Oh my, Bravo’s Gallery Girls is moving along quite nicely, isn’t it? The show is about seven refugees from Long Island, Georgia, Orange County, and other respective “Ew!” places who have come to New York City to “make it.” In this case, “making it” means landing a job in the art world but for most of these girls, it’s really just about having the freedom to wear a cloak in public and not be judged for it. Let’s check on these girls of the gallery and see what they’ve been up to since we’ve last seen them, shall we?
Liz: So remember when I made a joke about Liz going to rehab for a coke addiction? Well, blessed be to god, I was right! Imagine that! Me predicting that a rich blonde girl once had a little problem with the sugar boogers! I am so perceptive. Anyway, this week Liz continued to scowl her way through the entire episode, only opening up her mouth on occasion to make fun of the Asians at her school. Liz, hon, is this you? It’s a bummer that Liz is such a racist because I actually kind of like her. She’s remarkably self-possessed and, unlike many other mean people who go on reality shows, she has a certain level of self-awareness about her bad attitude. At certain moments, I was even empathizing with the poor girl in regards to her strained relationship with her father who, according to Liz, has been icy toward her ever since she was sent off to rehab. Oh well! She ruined whatever sympathy I had for her when she started making derogatory comments towards Asians when they were right in front of her! Not chic, Liz. And you know what else isn’t chic? Your hideous arm tattoos. (I’m assuming coke was responsible for those but that still isn’t a valid excuse.)
Amy: I loooooveeee Amy. I can’t help it. I just can’t resist a rich girl with a messed up face. And that voice of hers! Oh my god, it sounds like it was coated in 10,000 dicks and a pack of Marlboro Reds! So what happened to Amy this week? Let’s see, well, she got her hair done. Oh, and she also got wasted at a bar in the Upper East Side and talked about how her love doesn’t cost a thing. (Besides her dignity.) What else? Oh right, she messed up at her internship! Her and the Long Island Lolita, Kerri, were instructed by their boss Sharon to pick a piece of art that they felt would be right for a client and Amy made the OBVIOUS and UNINSPIRED choice of picking a piece from contemporary popular artist, Damien Hirst. Sharon was like, “No.” and Kerri was like, “Ha ha,” and then Amy got so upset that her lazy eye fell off her face and into her turtle soup.
Maggie: Maggie is the human form of Xanax. That, or she’s just the biggest stoner above 14th Street. Homegirl legitimately doesn’t have the capacity to register any kind of emotion other than “What?” and “I’m bored” — which obviously means that I’m obsessed with her. This week, Maggie continued to be degraded by her boss/potential lover, Eli Klein, and made some pouty faces about it. She reminds me of that song “Barely Breathing” by Duncan Sheik but I like it. I like that she’s not interested in having feelings about anything ever.
Chantal: Chantal continued to be awful and terrible this week but what else is new? She shamed her best friend/business partner Claudia for not having sold any art yet but Claudia responded to the criticism appropriately, explaining that it’s a lot easier to sell a $100 necklace than a $2,000 painting. Ugh Chantal, you are just a total sociopath, aren’t you? Oh, and by the way, your boyfriend Spencer is gay. I slept with him last week so bye.
Angela: Oh Angela. You’re smart. I can tell. I can see that the wheels sometime turn up there in that head of yours so why are you so content on being an insufferable narcissistic mess? Why do you settle for galavanting around with your basic gays in a terrycloth robe down Bedford Avenue? You’re embarrassing yourself, can’t you see? This week, Angela did some event photography for Paper magazine, which just involved her taking pictures of Chantal doing coke off of Vincent Gallo’s dick! (JK, babe.) She also went on a date with a boring 45-year-old dad who, let’s be honest, I would still sleep with despite having the personality of a house plant. What else? Oh, she’s putting together her first photo show which will be called Me And My Pussy.
Claudia: Claudia “I, like, trusted the wrong people” continued to worry that she accidentally went into business with horrible people. That’s about it.
Kerri: Kerri is so boring. Seriously. I almost forgot to include her because watching her story is about as engaging as a Jerry Lewis telethon. There was this hilarious moment in the episode though when she showed up to a trunk show at End Of Century with her “outlandish” gay hairstylist. With all the sass of a soggy rice cake, Kerri explained that being around her gay friend makes her feel even more wild and chic! LOL, okay honey. Boring pretty girls have been gravitating towards larger-than-life gay personalities since the dawn of time. There’s nothing to see here. Just move it along.