Thought Catalog

A Complete Guide To Doing Whatever The Hell You Want

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Just put it in your mouth, honey.

American culture gets off on guilt and shame, and we LOVE to deprive ourselves from anything that’s considered amazing. The line between good and evil needs to be clearly defined so we can know when we’re being a lil’ devil versus when we’re in “a really good place.” How else are we able to understand things?!

UGH.

Do you know how exhausting all of that is? Do you know how tired you’ll make yourself if you only see things in black and white? The world isn’t that way! It’s more of a “chocolate dipped” meets “rainbow sno cone” kind of color. What I’m really saying is… just eat that donut. Seriously. Just eat it. Because if you don’t, all you’ll be thinking about at work is that donut and then you’ll be distracted and do a bad job. At 6:30, you’ll go out for drinks and consume 4,000 calories in margaritas. Then, you’ll stumble home drunk and order a burrito with the rationale of, “I was good today! I abstained from eating that donut so I DESERVE a giant burrito.” See what happens when you don’t indulge? You just end up going apeshit and eating everything at 3 a.m. THE FORMULA CLEARLY ISN’T WORKING, OKAY?

Double the #YOLO: Be on a first-name basis with the people who work at the Thai restaurant near your house. They have your credit card info saved. Just dial!

Tell the person you want to have sex with that you would like to have sex with them.

Say it with me now: “I WANT YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH.” See, that wasn’t so hard, was it? People need to start being more honest with themselves about the things/people that they want. Babies don’t get made while waiting for a text message. This world has survived because of the people who were ballsy enough to be like, “Yo, let’s have sex.” If it weren’t for them, our population would crumble and WE WOULD ALL DIE. We’d all be skeletons just waiting by our phones.

Double the #YOLO: See your crush kissing someone else at a party and stomp up to them saying, “No, sorry, this [pointing at the two of them] isn’t going to work for me so I’m going to take over now.”

Feel no obligation to be social.

Whenever I flaked on my friends, I would feel terribly guilt-ridden and have to come up with some extravagant lie to cover my ass. It was exhausting and, most importantly, pointless. Instead of telling an elaborate lie, why didn’t I just tell them the truth? Eight times out of 10, the reason why I flake on someone is not because I hate them but because I’m just not in the mood to hang out. Maybe I’m feeling overwhelmed, maybe I’m tired, maybe I’m just in a rotten mood. It’s usually not personal! So now I just will tell someone “Yo, I am in a crappy mood and want to be by myself tonight!” and that’s that. You can’t argue with being in a bad mood. It feels liberating to be honest and now I have no guilt whenever I bail on plans. (Perhaps my heart has just turned cold and black though?)

Double the #YOLO: Tell someone that you didn’t text them back last night because you just didn’t want to. (LOL, I dare you. You have to be a brave lil’ toaster to commit this sin.)

Have a night out that will delete five years off of your life span.

I know drugs and drinking are POSITIVELY SINFUL and generally frowned upon in this new millennium (God, I wish we still lived in the ’60s and ’70s — a time when you were presumed to be high unless proven otherwise) but sometimes you gotta let your hair down and unleash your inner PARTY GIRL PSYCHO. I want you to be sobbing in some dirty alleyway in your party dress at 5 a.m.! I want you be to going to the bathroom with strange new men and coming out SO HAPPY AND FREE WITH A NEW STD! I want you to be making out with your cab driver at the end of the night and being like, “That’s your tip. Bye…”

Double the #YOLO: Just watch this video of Vanity Fair editor George Wayne and act accordingly.

Leave the house looking psychotic

The other day, I walked to work looking positively insane. In my fantasies, I looked like Mary-Kate Olsen after a bender but in reality I probably resembled Louis CK. To make matters more embarrassing, I was walking in boots that had holes in the sole so I was basically stumbling down the street barefoot. The whole time I was thinking, “God, if I ran into someone I know right now, I would be so mortified!” But then I had another thought. “Is a walk of shame really something to be ashamed of?” I actually think it’s the opposite. By looking disheveled and crazy, you’re basically telling the world, “I AM PERSON WHO DOES FUN, NUTTY THINGS. I AM A PERSON WHO STICKS THEIR TONGUE DOWN THE THROAT OF LIFE.” If people look at me and judge, I bet a small percentage of them is just pissed because they fell asleep to Netflix at 9:30 p.m. and wish they had a night as fun as mine!

Double the #YOLO: Have the guy at the deli ask if you’re okay. If your bodega guy is concerned, you know you’re looking rough.

Unfollow people on Twitter and write them each an email explaining why.

I’m unfollowing you because I don’t care about the places you’re DJing tonight. I’m unfollowing you because we went on a date once and you never texted me back so why should I be subjected to your daily thoughts? I’m unfollowing you because you say something dumb, by my estimate, once an hour. I’m unfollowing you because I can and it makes me feel powerful!

Double the #YOLO: If you actually did this, you wouldn’t have to do anything else. Truly. You’re done. You win the “Doing whatever the hell you want” game. Please collect your grand prize of complete and utter social alienation at the door. TC Mark

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    • http://twitter.com/AllanStruthers Allan.S (@AllanStruthers)

      You sound like a terrible person to be friends with.

      • anon

        no you do

    • http://menarcheintheuk.tumblr.com Liz (@cheezliz)

      I want to print this out and put it up on my wall or something.

      • http://twitter.com/KenaiMcFadden Kenai Iman McFadden (@KenaiMcFadden)

        yo, read the title of the post. i AM printing this out and putting it on my wall

    • http://krymeariver.com krymeariver

      ryan. Your articles 8 times out of time are full of yes. This was definitely a YES article lol

      • John

        My Name is John. I will love to share my testimony to all my friends because i never believe i will have my girlfriend back. When i called her she never picked my calls,She deleted me on her Facebook and she changed her Facebook status.when i went to her to her place of work she told her friends she never want to see me.I tried all i could do to have her back with me but all did not work out until i met a Man when i Travel to Africa to meet my aunt.I told him my problem and all have passed through in getting her back and how she embarrass me in her place of work,he told me he is going to help me but don’t believe that in the first place.but he swore he will help me out and he told me the reason why my girlfriend left me and also told me some hidden secrets.i was amazed when i heard that from him,he said he will cast a spell for me and i will see the results in the next couple of days..then i travel back home the following day and i called him when i got home,he said he is busy casting those spells and he has bought all the materials needed for the spells,he said am gonna see positive results in the next 3 days that is Thursday. My girlfriend called me at exactly 10:35am on Thursday and apologies for all she had done, she said she never knew what she’s doing she promised not to do that again.It was like am hallucinating when i heard that from her and when we ended the call,i called the man and told him my girlfriend called me on phone apologies. Am posting this to the forum for everybody that is interested in meeting the man for help this is his email address :Ancientijebudespelltemple@gmail.com All i have to say is THANK YOU DOCTOR

    • http://krymeariver.com krymeariver

      we need to party sometime. It really NEEDS to happen lol

    • http://www.itmakesmestronger.com/2012/08/a-complete-guide-to-doing-whatever-the-hell-you-want/ Only L<3Ve @ ItMakesMeStronger.com

      […] Thought Catalog » Life Add a comment […]

    • S

      he is right! we are always fighting with our ourselves about doing the ‘right’ thing! just do it, whatever it is!

    • http://www.insteadofanelephant.blogspot.com kaitlinsoconnor

      i really need to start telling people that i’m in a shitty mood. i’m running out of lame excuses and that one will work every time! doubling my YOLO begins now. my next walk of shame is going to be extraordinary.

    • http://gravatar.com/400ormore Arielle

      I think this is a sign that my pet project (borne out of boredom) is exactly what I should be doing! Follow @PetiteTips everyone, I’m so excited about it! (No I’m not a bot -,-) It follows #1 on this TCL at least.

    • Nick

      “There’s never a time not to be honest.” Just search for Patrice O’Neal’s “just be honest” video.

    • Arwen

      Complete and utter social alienation achieved!

    • http://chopsticklady.wordpress.com fringster

      This is downright hilarious. Can’t stop laughing! Nice entry!

    • Hry

      Keep on aiming for that comfortable, easily-achieved article mediocrity….. #YOLO

    • Marissa

      ryan, can you just please collect all of your essays and put them in a book and publish yourself because you are the funniest writer i’ve EVER read… love you!

      • lawrenceamack

        Double the YOLO: go to 7-Eleven and ask the cashier for a Big Gulp while wearing socks and only socks.

    • http://journeythroughdeception.wordpress.com/2012/08/10/ryan-3/ ryan <3 « Journey Through Deception

      […] more at https://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/a-complete-guide-to-doing-whatever-the-hell-you-want/#WFJUbm0Ebfk34SC… Share this:TwitterFacebookLike this:LikeBe the first to like […]

    • Briyanny

      Hahaha,my gift is complete n utter social alienation….lmao!!jst shows pple cant handle the truth.

    • Briyanny

      Hahaha,my gift card is complete n utter social alienation….lmao!!jst shows pple cant handle the truth.

    • http://itsyowyow.com/2012/08/12/thought-catalog-roundup-11/ Thought Catalog Roundup « Yow Yow!

      […] A Complete Guide to Doing Whatever the Hell You Want […]

    • alicia

      Ryan! Love you boo!

    • Kristy

      I loved alot of this. But COMPLETELY DISAGREE with a large portion. You’re basically encouraging women to acts like whores? “I want your cock in my mouth”? It’s that easy? Are we in a world where sex is no longer sacred or special?

      Let’s encourage young women to have more out of wedlock babies.. Yeah great idea. That’s just what we need.. More single parent raised children struggling to grow up bc their mom is double yoloing on 6 kind of drugs. Oh not to mention the new little one was born with the venereal disease she contracted with the strange new men in the bathroom. Come on.. Ryan

      What happened to self respect? What happened finding a connection and realness before we have sex? This sounds more like a sure way to unhappiness.

    • spliff queen

      this shall be printed and posted on my fridge tonight. i really appreciate the “double the #YOLO.”

    • http://mehspace.wordpress.com/2012/08/16/these-arent-even-my-thoughts-but-theyre-hilarious/ These Aren’t Even My Thoughts. But They’re Hilarious. « mehspace

      […] doing whatever the hell you want. this entire thing.  because i’m laughing so uncontrollably i’m practically choking. […]

    • http://lifeatttwentyfive.tumblr.com lifeattwentyfive

      The minute you stop sweating the small stuff is the minute things start going right…#doubletheyolo!

    • http://www.cupcakeando.com.br/receitas/cupcakes-de-mirtilo-assado/ Cupcakeando » Arquivos » Cupcakes de mirtilo assado

      […] habilidade de falar e agir sem medo do julgamento dos outros. Eu escuto muito falar sobre isso, mas esse texto foi meu despertador para uma vida com menos preocupações e ânsias desnecessárias. Desde então, […]

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