1. Don’t you get it? WE ARE THE WORST GENERATION EVER. We slaughter babies. We run over people in wheelchairs. On top of being homicidal maniacs, we’re really privileged because we shop at Whole Foods and spring for organic produce. So, you know what, we’re not allowed to be upset about anything ever. We’re a bunch of churlish Millennials! Everything we say should be muted. Only on our 30th birthday should we be allowed to open our mouths. Until then, it’s a wrap on our opinions.
2. People hate us because we’re young and remind others of how old they are. I’m 25 and find myself sometimes feeling ageist toward 21-year-olds so I get it. One day I might be the asshole 29-year-old making fun of 24-year-olds for having so many feelings. I hope not though. Not just because I would feel like a hypocritical jerk in doing so but because being ageist ages YOU ten years.
3. We bitch about our lackluster love lives but then are too lazy/awkward to change it ourselves. I know. We hate ourselves for that too so just chill out on chugging that haterade, babe. We beat you to it.
4. Apparently we lack self-awareness but I think that’s a big steaming pile of crap. Every 20-something I know hates themselves and is it really possible to be full of self-loathing and also be utterly clueless? We’re reminded of how awful we are every day by crochety journalists and misanthropic bloggers. How can we NOT be self-aware? We get it! We’re terrible! We can’t stop taking pictures of our food and chatting about our feelings. Dear God, we truly are revolting! Someone make us stop!
5. We think we can do anything we want and don’t have to settle in any aspect of our lives. Some of us actually end up being right and succeeding at whatever it is that we sought out to do, which REALLY pisses some people off. “I GOT TO WHERE I WAS TODAY BECAUSE I HAD AN INTERNET CONNECTION AND DIDN’T HAVE TO PAY RENT AT MY PARENTS HOUSE. I WISH I COULD SAY OTHERWISE BUT THIS IS 2012, BITCH. FREE RENT AND WIFI CAN TAKE YOU ALMOST ANYWHERE YOU WANT TO GO.”
6. We gaze at our navels all day long. We stick our finger in our bellybutton and then smell it. Sometimes we eat the lint. I don’t know. We’re a disgusting bunch of disgustos.
7. Sometimes we do this thing where we DARE to write about our feelings and then publish it somewhere. I know, THE AUDACITY of those Millennials, right? We clearly missed the memo that all writers didn’t start publishing personal work till they hit 30 and that we should spend our 20s just writing pieces about eskimos and World War 1. I sincerely apologize for thinking that I could even write this post. I sincerely apologize for saying the letter “I.” I didn’t mean it. I suppose I’ll return to writing Moby Dick 2 now. I love whales.
8. We never seem to go away, do we? Everywhere you look, there we are! Turn on the TV! Oh, look, there we are waitressing and complaining about having no money. Oh, and there we are on that show, G***s. Sorry, I had to bleep it out because that show is a dirty word on the blogs. I totally understand why. This 20-something girl Lena Dunham didn’t grow up in an alleyway, she totally grew up with like a sturdy pair of shoes and nice socks, so she wasn’t allowed to say ANYTHING when she grew up because, you know, she was rich. But then she had the gall to do it anyway! She made a funny, insightful show about young people and it’s so sick. If you’re going to create a TV show, you have to make it about misogynistic ad execs, Zooey Deschanel or zombies. How dare you make a show that’s reflective of a certain group of people at a certain point in time. HOW EMBARRASSING FOR YOU!
9. We think we know everything but we don’t. That’s never happened with a group of young people before until our awful, sordid mistake of a generation came along! It’s so strange! AND TERRIFYING. We must be told how dumb we are, how hopeless we are, what a bunch of idiots we all are. If only someone was brave enough to speak out against this generation. Then everything would be so much better! For everyone!
10. We can only write down our thoughts in listicle form. It’s truly disturbing. Like, can that stop?