This is what you get for falling out of love. You get to share a bed with them still, even after you’ve come to the cold, hard realization that there’s nothing left between you two. You get to show them in myriad devastating ways that the love is no longer there. If you think they don’t know, if you think you’ve done a good job of keeping it a secret, think again. They know.
One minute they’re there and the next, they’re gone, baby gone. What was it exactly that took them away from you? What took all of the love you had for this person and sucked it dry? You’d really like to know! Perhaps it would alleviate you of your guilt, make you feel like you didn’t have such a fickle heart. (Spoiler: Your heart is fickle. We screw over the ones we love all the time but let’s just try to pretend otherwise, shall we? Let’s try to pretend that we wouldn’t ever ruin the ones closest to us.)
When someone gives you their heart, they’re also giving you permission to destroy them. It’s never articulated but it’s understood that the possibility is always there. The second you feel yourself starting to fall out of love with someone, you’re jump-starting the destruction and betrayal. You’ve begun picking at the scab but you’re too much of a coward to ever pull it off yourself. Instead, you implicate your lover and make them pull at it. You push them away until they have no choice but to make it bleed. You couldn’t do it yourself, were too afraid to, so you ended up getting your blood on their hands.
Do you hate yourself yet? You should. Hate is what you get for no longer being able to feel love.
This is what you DON’T get for falling out of love: Peace, understanding, an apology, a thank you, a kiss, an embrace, chicken noodle soup for when you have the sniffles, respect, placid conversations, acceptance, friendship, break up sex, returned items of clothing, custody of the pet, choices.
This is more of what you DO get: Grief, teary voicemails. getting unfriended on all social networks, numerous questions that you don’t want to give the answer to, below the belt accusations, and complete and utter powerlessness over how you are perceived. You’re a monster now. Your ex is drawing a caricature of you with devil horns and sending it to everyone in their contact list.
Is this fair? I don’t know. Maybe it’s not. After all, we don’t choose to fall in love with someone as much as we choose to fall out of love with them. It’s all random, which is perhaps why love and relationships are so terrifying to begin with. In essence, it’s just our brains saying “yes” to someone until one of them decides to say “no.”
Yes. Yes. Yes.
Maybe. Maybe! Maybe?
No. No. No……
Everything you do, every heart you let in and spit out, has consequences. Don’t think for a second otherwise.
Fall out of love anyway. It’s not like you have much of a choice and chances are it’s not your fault. It’s chemical. Just make sure you understand what you’re getting in return. Make sure you understand and respect the hearts that don’t belong to you.