Although it’s terribly sad that Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise divorced, let’s get one thing straight: Katie Holmes didn’t have to marry him. She could’ve easily just continued to take small roles in solid films and collected enough money to live in a chic bachelorette pad in West Hollywood and have a summer home in Carmel, California or something. She would have enough funds left over to live comfortably for the rest of her years, even after she stopped making movies and was forced into an early retirement by aegist Hollywood. As an actress, she’s unremarkable. She’s not good, she’s not bad, she’s just… Joey Potter. She could’ve putted along admirably though and whenever she’d appear on the screen, audiences would give her face a vague recognition and think to themselves, “I know her from somewhere. She seems familiar… but how?”
Unfortunately, that’s not the #dark TV actress path Katie Holmes wanted to take. She wanted to be an A-list star and if she couldn’t get there on her own, she would marry a famous gay guy so she could be A-list by association! Ah, Hollywood! Where dreams come true, thanks to the very large walk-in closet most male stars are hiding in! So, five years ago, she did it! Katie Holmes moved out of her luxury apartment building (“Bye bye Jenna Elfman!” she laughed maniacally as she passed her neighbor in the hallway) and moved into Tom Cruise’s Beverly Hills mansion. You see, people don’t quite understand how money could’ve been a motivating factor in her marrying Tom Cruise. But there’s a big difference between the money you accrue from starring on a TV show for six years and the money you accrue by being Tom Cruise. (That difference is having your own pet dolphin and being friends with Angelina Jolie.)
Before I get ahead of myself with this, let me make sure we’re all on the same bedazzled page: Tom Cruise is gay. Tom Cruise sleeps with men. This isn’t weird malicious hearsay. It’s just the truth. It’s about as well-known as John Travolta at this point. If you’re having trouble grasping this concept, let me provide you with a shortcut. If a guy is a Scientologist, there is a 99% chance that he’s down with dick. Along with being a bogus cult, Scientology is also a borderline gay circuit party. When closeted celebs go in to zap the gay away in their exclusive saunas, they’re meeting up after to “discuss” how well their treatments went. You best believe when John Travolta found out that Tom Cruise was back on the market again, he feverishly dialed his cell phone number.
John Travolta: Tommy, is it true? Is what I’m hearing true?!
Tom Cruise: Who is this?
John Travolta: It’s Danny from Grease. It’s the guy from Battlefield Earth! IT’S YOUR LOVER!
Tom Cruise: I told you to stop calling here, John! It’s not safe!
When this whole whirlwind romance between Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise was first happening, I wanted to find out what was really going on. Because, honestly, is there anything gayer than jumping up and down on Oprah’s couch, declaring your love for a female? No.
Allegedly, Tom Cruise was meeting with actresses to discuss taking on the new role of his wife. Jessica Alba was called. Scarlett Johannson was beckoned. There might have even been a Jessica Biel moment too. Katie Holmes was further down the list, maybe next to Amanda Peet, but she was the only one who said yes to entering a sham marriage. I understand why she did it. She grew up in Toledo, Ohio and probably had posters of Cruise up on her bedroom walls. By marrying him, she would be fulfilling a life long fantasy, although in her fantasy I’m sure there was sex involved, but, you know, who needs sex when you can have a Birkin and faint praise from Vogue?! I originally thought that she was doing this to give her career a boost and land meatier roles but that never happened. In fact, her career suffered after marrying Tom. I mean, Mad Money? That horrible Adam Sandler movie, Jack & Jill, in which she played the thankless role of a doting wife? Horrible! All dreadful! Poor Katie! You can’t win an Oscar by marrying a gay man, although better women have certainly tried!
While her career took a hit, an interest in her personal life soared. All of a sudden, the tomboy from Ohio was transforming herself into The Wife of an A-list star! She had 5,000 Birkins and a wardrobe full of Isabel Marant and Chanel. She had fashion publications showering her with praise. She was the toast of the couture town! If she couldn’t land any solid roles in movies then, by golly, she was going to thrive in her role as Tom Cruise’s wife. The glitz! The glamour! The obligatory baby she had so she could turn it into this year’s newest accessory! Oh, yes, Suri. We can never forget Suri. She’s probably the gayest thing to come out of that marriage! She’s just BEGGING to be raised by two daddies. She doesn’t need Katie Holmes or her vagina!
Over the next few years, Katie Holmes drank the star Kool-Aid. She changed the way she walked, talked, and dressed. It’s ironic, isn’t it? She becomes a star only when her career gets to be at a standstill. It’s as if this is the role she was destined to play.
Sadly, not all the Birkins in the world can keep you married to a gay man. Last Friday, Katie Holmes filed for divorce and, in an interesting twist, she’s asking for sole custody of Suri. Apparently, it’s because she doesn’t want Suri to be indoctrinated into Scientology. Can you blame her? Who wants to be raised by Thetans?! It’ll be interesting to see if the courts grant her wish. Tom Cruise is obviously going to hire the best lawyers money can buy, two of whom he will probably be having sex with in the conference room, so Holmes has her work cut out for her. No matter what the outcome is, at least she’ll get to have sex again. After spending five years of freeze framing Tom Cruise’s dick in All The Right Moves since she can’t experience the real thing, she’ll finally be able to knock boots with a straight guy. Dawson, Pacey: Are you game?