1. Your super rich friend.
Rich people are fun to lurk on Facebook because they are insane. They like to document their lavish lifestyle via hilarious photo albums titled “oui oui, paris.” “ibiza & me.” and “ballroom dancing & firecrackers.” You will want to kill yourself when you look through these photos because they depict a life you will never be able to lead, at least not in your twenties. While most of your pictures involve you making an “FML” facial expression as you drink out of a red cup in a dimly lit room, their photos show them lounging by the ocean, looking expensive at Coachella in a fairy headband, and out to dinner with their very expensive-looking parents. (Family photos are the biggest giveaway that you’re wealthy, FYI. If you ever want to see what kind of money someone is coming from, just scroll on over to the family vacay photos and prepare to weep.) Their photos always look professional in that faded cheap way. Most are taken with a Yashica T4, a polaroid camera, or, if the rich person is feeling playful, a disposable camera. It’s fun to look at someone who’s your own age posing in some grandiose hotel room, looking bored. And by fun, I mean completely devastating.
2. Your friend who became an overnight hipster.
Their current default photo is of them with their long brown hair covering their eyes and looking dead on a fire escape. But if you just click the “forward button,” you’ll be redirected to their first ever Facebook default pic, which is of them smiling happily on a beach holding a margarita! Gee, how did we get from “Hey girl hey on a beach” to “I am so vague and interesting because my bangs told me so?” I BLAME TV ON THE RADIO AND NYLON MAGAZINE, which are the gateway drugs for any hipster. They get one hit of Chloe Sevigny and a synthesizer and they’re a goner. Oh well. Now their Facebook is a field of identity crisis-inspired gems for any lurker!
3. The insane oversharer.
I have this one friend on Facebook who I lurk almost daily because her status updates are so TMI. Seriously, she will just post anything on there with no shame, including but not limited to: discussing her bipolar disorder, the guy she had sex with the night before, and desperately asking if someone would like to go to a bar with her that night. It’s crazy! I feel like everyone has that one person you keep around for the LOLZ. Even if you don’t know them that well IRL, cherish the fact that they are your Facebook friend and have brought you much hilarity albeit unintentionally.
Your crush is your go-to for lurking. You want to know what they’re doing at all times if they’re not busy being inside of you. OMG, they just checked into Chik-Fil-A? You wish you could be there too. Maybe you should just show up. Would that be weird? Oh my god, who is this person writing cute things on their wall?! They better not be sleeping together! Oh shoot, their latest photos are of them canoodling. THEY ARE DEFINITELY SLEEPING TOGETHER. I think I’m going to puke. Facebook is going to make me vomit literally.
5. The person you want to be.
The person you want to be is someone you hate-lurk. You’re irrationally jealous of them for a variety of reasons. Maybe they have a great relationship, an impressive job, or just really great hair. Whatever it is, you want it. You want to be them. Lurking their Facebook sends you into a shame spiral about your own life and reminds you that you’re nowhere near who you want to be. In many ways, The Person You Want To Be upsets you more than lurking, say, your ex. You try not to fall down that k-hole of self-harming but it’s often too tempting to resist.