5 Types Of People That Are Fun To Lurk On Facebook

1. Your super rich friend.

Rich people are fun to lurk on Facebook because they are insane. They like to document their lavish lifestyle via hilarious photo albums titled “oui oui, paris.” “ibiza & me.” and “ballroom dancing & firecrackers.” You will want to kill yourself when you look through these photos because they depict a life you will never be able to lead, at least not in your twenties. While most of your pictures involve you making an “FML” facial expression as you drink out of a red cup in a dimly lit room, their photos show them lounging by the ocean, looking expensive at Coachella in a fairy headband, and out to dinner with their very expensive-looking parents. (Family photos are the biggest giveaway that you’re wealthy, FYI. If you ever want to see what kind of money someone is coming from, just scroll on over to the family vacay photos and prepare to weep.) Their photos always look professional in that faded cheap way. Most are taken with a Yashica T4, a polaroid camera, or, if the rich person is feeling playful, a disposable camera. It’s fun to look at someone who’s your own age posing in some grandiose hotel room, looking bored. And by fun, I mean completely devastating.

2. Your friend who became an overnight hipster.

Their current default photo is of them with their long brown hair covering their eyes and looking dead on a fire escape. But if you just click the “forward button,” you’ll be redirected to their first ever Facebook default pic, which is of them smiling happily on a beach holding a margarita! Gee, how did we get from “Hey girl hey on a beach” to “I am so vague and interesting because my bangs told me so?” I BLAME TV ON THE RADIO AND NYLON MAGAZINE, which are the gateway drugs for any hipster. They get one hit of Chloe Sevigny and a synthesizer and they’re a goner. Oh well. Now their Facebook is a field of identity crisis-inspired gems for any lurker!

3. The insane oversharer.

I have this one friend on Facebook who I lurk almost daily because her status updates are so TMI. Seriously, she will just post anything on there with no shame, including but not limited to: discussing her bipolar disorder, the guy she had sex with the night before, and desperately asking if someone would like to go to a bar with her that night. It’s crazy! I feel like everyone has that one person you keep around for the LOLZ.  Even if you don’t know them that well IRL, cherish the fact that they are your Facebook friend and have brought you much hilarity albeit unintentionally.

4.Your crush.

Your crush is your go-to for lurking. You want to know what they’re doing at all times if they’re not busy being  inside of you. OMG, they just checked into Chik-Fil-A? You wish you could be there too. Maybe you should just show up. Would that be weird? Oh my god, who is this person writing cute things on their wall?! They better not be sleeping together! Oh shoot, their latest photos are of them canoodling. THEY ARE DEFINITELY SLEEPING TOGETHER. I think I’m going to puke. Facebook is going to make me vomit literally.

5. The person you want to be.

The person you want to be is someone you hate-lurk. You’re irrationally jealous of them for a variety of reasons. Maybe they have a great relationship, an impressive job, or just really great hair. Whatever it is, you want it. You want to be them. Lurking their Facebook sends you into a shame spiral about your own life and reminds you that you’re nowhere near who you want to be. In many ways, The Person You Want To Be upsets you more than lurking, say, your ex. You try not to fall down that k-hole of self-harming but it’s often too tempting to resist. TC Mark

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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  • Michaelwg

    I created a #1 photo album for the singular purpose of being a vindictive prick, knowing who’d be looking at it. “ibiza & me”

  • http://twitter.com/rachelanyaa rachL (@rachelanyaa)

    ilu ryan.

  • meep

    dear ryan, can we add you on facebook.com/ryanoconn? i mean i would.. but like how awkward would it be if you denied the request or worst yet let it sit and rot. mark my words, upon awaiting your (facebook) friend acceptance I WILL BE LURKING

  • Jessie

    What does the k in k-hole stand for?

    • Ria

      ketamine

  • CL

    So true about the family photos. At first I thought it was weird, like they had no friends and that’s why they hung out with their family. But no, their family is just wealthy and that’s why they have front row Knicks tickets/they went for flying lessons/they had a nice family meal made by the live in cook.

  • Adam

    There’s also an argument for #6: your archnemesis. Related to #5, but actually the exact opposite. Stalking your antithetical hate-epiphany makes you feel like less of a shitty human being because it reminds you that they are fundamentally a worse person with a shittier soul than you could ever be. Especially fun on days where you feel fat, worthless, or your hair just won’t sit right.

  • hehe

    Totally just creeped your facebook. Your photo captions are hilarious.

  • Gabby tIME

    This is unhealthy. So true, but unhealthy.

  • http://mangopeels.wordpress.com quantumtheory

    #4 must be the most popular with guys !!

  • Elijah Taylor

    Ryan, what happened, you used to write stuff of substance, now you write shit that a 23 year old blonde bitch from The Valley would write. You’re giving gay men a bad name.

    • Shay

      My god, why can’t he write whatever he wants? If he wants to write a piece about Heidegger one day and write a piece about the woes of hair gel over-use at gay bars, then so be it.
      You don’t have to take yourself seriously all the time just because you are intelligent and clever. How boring would that be? Also, please do not make him responsible for their reputation of all gay men. That’s rude.
      P.S. – assuming that one person does determine the reputation for an ENTIRE group of people, you would make gay men seem like self-righteous, pretentious, uptight pricks. And that’s not right either, is it?

  • kins

    so true.damn it.

  • jussayin

    i wish i were a man, for many reasons, but most importantly because i am tired of repressing my desire of making love to you. and your gorgeous face.

    to further extrapolate: i am fully aware that thought catalog is self indulgent on the whole, but i cannot ever stop myself from reading it. specifically i look for your articles, along with your pooh bear Gaby Dunn’s.

    I sincerely enjoy and almost have an itching dependence on you two to deliver your perspective on this crazy lil thang we call ~*~LYFE~*~

    From topics such as facebook, to your more existential articles lay a spectrum of things that must be said. We are unlike any other generation that has preceded us. We have the capacity to make a forum for discussions just like these that we should be taking advantage of and are because of you and people like you.

    Thank you for putting yourselves out there.

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