Up until yesterday, I had never used a sex toy before. Don’t get me wrong, I’d relish the chance to spice things up in the bedroom. It’s just that the opportunity has never presented itself. I remember one time an ex was telling me about his sex life with his new boyfriend (BULLET TO THE BRAIN!) and he was like, “He bought me a cock ring for my birthday and it’s seriously amazing. You have to try it. We’re obsessed!”
I was annoyed. Not because he was sleeping with someone else and telling me about it (my feelings for him were so far gone that they might as well have been chilling on the moon) but because WE never used a cock ring. All this time we were hooking up, I thought his tastes were vanilla so I refrained from dipping anything in chocolate. So now to hear him talk about his new hideous kinky sex life with someone else, well, it really pissed me off. Why did I have to suffer through the sex life equivalent of The English Patient when this new guy gets to live la vida Secretary? It wasn’t fair.
Even though my curiosity had been piqued, I continued to live a sex toy-less life and didn’t really think twice about it. Weren’t sex toys mainly for women anyway? And the ones that were marketed toward men seemed to serve as a replacement for a vagina, which wasn’t really my scene. So how would they ever figure into my sex life, unless they were anal beads, cock rings or poppers?
Fast forward to a few weeks ago when my friend Chris emails me and asks if I’d like to do a promotional video for a Japanese “masturbation aid” that’s set to launch Stateside in the next couple weeks. He explained to me that I’d go into a room, play with the toy and have my reaction be filmed. I wrote back, “Uh, I don’t know, Chris. I have trouble taking my shirt off at the beach, let alone using a male sex toy on camera so…” But then he assured me that this wouldn’t be an amateur porn video, it would only be an unveiling of the product, so I thought, “Sure, why not? I’ve already tarnished the family name. Why not throw a little more gasoline on the family crest?”
After the filming was over, I was allowed to keep the toys that I had opened but I never actually ended up using them. They just sat on my desk, haunting me like a slutty friend you’re secretly envious of for being so adventurous. Eventually, I just threw them away because they were already covered in lube and I knew I would never work up the nerve to try them out myself. The other night, however, I got a second chance to live out my sex toy fantasies when I attended the launch party for Tenga, the Japanese company I had done the video for, and their line of sex toys that were done in collaboration with the Keith Haring foundation. (It should be noted that I mistakenly thought Keith Haring was still alive and it wasn’t until two days after I received the invite and had been telling people that Keith Haring was hosting that I realized he’s been dead for over 20 years.) I promised myself that if I received any of the sex toys at this party, I would go home and just screw the damn thing.
Sure enough, when I arrived, I discovered that the party was littered with sex toys. They were practically overflowing in buckets so I clearly had no excuse not to partake. I decided to pocket the Tenga Egg, which is a masturbation toy that’s shaped like a literal egg that you can have sex with, and the original vacuum cup. What I like about Tenga (and, to be clear, I am not getting paid to endorse them, so this is real) is that it’s not designed like your average sex toy. In fact, they actually look super chic. Andy Warhol would’ve have even approved of the pop art aesthetic… and then ran away screaming because sex stuff scared him. I think it’s smart of Tenga to remove the stigma and seediness that often accompanies sex toys by giving it an inconspicuous sleek design. I totally understand why a place like Opening Ceremony — a store that’s been pretty damn asexual, if you ask me — is carrying them. Hipsters have been screwing people for years and now it’s finally time for them to screw themselves without shame.
Yesterday morning, I woke up and decided that I would try the vacuum cup. I had no idea what to expect. Since it looks so un-sex toy like, I didn’t even know what it looked like. When I unwrapped it, I saw a suction cup that was filled with lube. The opening for your penis seemed tiny though and I questioned how an erect dick would even fit through here. (For once, I felt like I had a Dirk Diggler cock. Gee, I like this product already!) After doing some awkward thrusts, it slid in like butter and felt amazinggggg. Dare I say like warm apple pie? Ew, no. It just felt good. And you know what’s even more awesome? I did not get vagina vibes from this product AT ALL. It could’ve been either an asshole or a vagina, so it definitely doesn’t discriminate or make a gay guy feel weird for screwing a fake pussy. A HOLE IS A HOLE IS A SEX TOY.
I wasn’t sure what to do when I was inside of it, which sounds silly, but don’t judge until you’ve put YOUR dick in a suction cup. What gave me the most pleasure was when I would do a few thrusts (try to ignore the suction cup sound, although let’s be honest, real sex sounds just as gross) and then take my dick out and jack it off a little bit. Your schlong is covered in lube at this point so masturbating will be a cinch. Then when you feel you’re ready to climax, put that sucker in the vacuum and get ‘er done!
When all is said and done, you’ll be covered in lube and cum. You won’t know where one ends and the other begins so just get a towel ASAP and wipe yourself off. I’m not gonna lie, once the reality sinks in that you came inside a sex toy, you’ll feel pretty weird but just try your best to ignore it. Besides, if someone ever tells you to “Go f–k yourself”, you can finally say “I already have. And it feels spectacular!”