On what type of alcohol you’ll want to drink:
College You: I’ll drink whatever. I mean, what do you have? Rum and vodka? Sure, let’s mix that and see what happens. I want to get blackout tonight! #sorrynotsorry
Full-Time Job You: The last time I drank rum was on my 22nd birthday and I vomited rainbows so I can’t drink that. Vodka is also a no-go. I just hate the taste. Do you have any white wine? Or, screw it, I can be bad tonight. I’ll have a margarita. Just make sure it’s Skinny Girl because in the last nine months, I’ve gained 6.5 pounds so…
On the expectations of the night
College You: Tonight I’m going to make out with the hot guy from my English lit class. It says he’s attending on Facebook and I’m pretty much making that my goal for the night. I also just, like, really think this party could change my life, you know? Like I could meet a new best friend or the hot guy from English lit could end up wanting to be my boyfriend for a year or something. I know it sounds weird but I just have a really good feeling about this party. It’s going to be so much fun. I’m bringing my camera.
Full-Time Job You: Please don’t take a picture of me. I look gross. Oh, great, I’ve already had sex with every worthwhile person in this room. I know what’s going to happen tonight. My friends are going to wander off and leave me with some annoying person who will trap me in a conversation and after talking to them for an hour, I’ll escape somehow and go power drink in a corner somewhere. Then, I’ll wake up hungover at 5 a.m. and be unable to go back to sleep.
When someone brings coke to the party
College You: OMG, someone has coke? Where are they?! Wait, I really shouldn’t do it. It’s bad. Oh, you’re offering me some? Well, okay, new best friend. Can’t turn it down if it’s free.
Full-Time Job You: B-TCH, YOU’RE STILL DOING COKE?
Appropriate Conversation Topics
College You: Are you taking that class Fables and Tales with Professor Brooks? She’s so crazy, right? She wears the same outfit everyday: an oversized men’s shirt and slacks. I don’t get it! Anyway, are you dating Sam? I’m only asking because he dated my friend for like two weeks last semester and was a huge dick. No, I said he was a huge dick — not HAD a huge dick. His penis, from all accounts, is average.
Full-Time Job You: What do you do for a living? Oh, you’re a freelance writer? Oh, you do PR for a bowling alley? Oh, you’re in-between projects? Oh. How do you know the person who threw the party? You went to college together? Where’d you go to college? Oh, I know someone who went there! Do you know Tom Black? No? It’s a really big school, yeah.
How you feel the morning AFTER
College You: LOL, I’M SO HUNGOVER. Wanna get brunch and talk about the events of last night for four hours? And then watch a marathon of Keeping Up With The Kardashians? Cool. See you in 20. P.S. I totally hooked up with the hot guy from my English lit class! Can’t wait to tell you how it went down. SO MANY STORIES!
Full-Time Job You: I feel like I’m dying and I have so much to do today. Why did I get so wasted last night? Where are my effing friends? The silver lining to this nightmare is Egg’s Benedict. Text me back, you freaks! Oh, you’re at the flea market with your BF? Bye.