Getting Drunk In College Vs. Getting Drunk When You Have A Full-Time Job

On what type of alcohol you’ll want to drink:

College You: I’ll drink whatever. I mean, what do you have? Rum and vodka? Sure, let’s mix that and see what happens. I want to get blackout tonight! #sorrynotsorry

Full-Time Job You: The last time I drank rum was on my 22nd birthday and I vomited rainbows so I can’t drink that. Vodka is also a no-go. I just hate the taste. Do you have any white wine? Or, screw it, I can be bad tonight. I’ll have a margarita. Just make sure it’s Skinny Girl because in the last nine months, I’ve gained 6.5 pounds so…

On the expectations of the night

College You: Tonight I’m going to make out with the hot guy from my English lit class. It says he’s attending on Facebook and I’m pretty much making that my goal for the night. I also just, like, really think this party could change my life, you know? Like I could meet a new best friend or the hot guy from English lit could end up wanting to be my boyfriend for a year or something. I know it sounds weird but I just have a really good feeling about this party. It’s going to be so much fun. I’m bringing my camera.

Full-Time Job You: Please don’t take a picture of me. I look gross. Oh, great, I’ve already had sex with every worthwhile person in this room. I know what’s going to happen tonight. My friends are going to wander off and leave me with some annoying person who will trap me in a conversation and after talking to them for an hour, I’ll escape somehow and go power drink in a corner somewhere. Then, I’ll wake up hungover at 5 a.m. and be unable to go back to sleep.

When someone brings coke to the party

College You: OMG, someone has coke? Where are they?! Wait, I really shouldn’t do it. It’s bad. Oh, you’re offering me some? Well, okay, new best friend. Can’t turn it down if it’s free.


Appropriate Conversation Topics

College You: Are you taking that class Fables and Tales with Professor Brooks? She’s so crazy, right? She wears the same outfit everyday: an oversized men’s shirt and slacks. I don’t get it! Anyway, are you dating Sam? I’m only asking because he dated my friend for like two weeks last semester and was a huge dick. No, I said he was a huge dick — not HAD a huge dick. His penis, from all accounts, is average.

Full-Time Job You: What do you do for a living? Oh, you’re a freelance writer? Oh, you do PR for a bowling alley? Oh, you’re in-between projects? Oh. How do you know the person who threw the party? You went to college together? Where’d you go to college? Oh, I know someone who went there! Do you know Tom Black? No? It’s a really big school, yeah.

How you feel the morning AFTER

College You: LOL, I’M SO HUNGOVER. Wanna get brunch and talk about the events of last night for four hours? And then watch a marathon of Keeping Up With The Kardashians? Cool. See you in 20. P.S. I totally hooked up with the  hot guy from my English lit class! Can’t wait to tell you how it went down. SO MANY STORIES!

Full-Time Job You: I feel like I’m dying and I have so much to do today. Why did I get so wasted last night? Where are my effing friends? The silver lining to this nightmare is Egg’s Benedict. Text me back, you freaks! Oh, you’re at the flea market with your BF? Bye. TC Mark

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.


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  • Allison

    Welp, that was depressing.

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  • Bailey Powell

    And true.

    • ccpruett

      Is there a guy version to this? Pretty sure that would be hilarious also… haha.

      • Jarrod Cohen (@jarrodcohen)

        This is the guy version.

  • Renee S

    Totally true :(

  • Frequent Reader

    is that what it’s going to be like after college? graduate school it is….

    • alexa

      grad school is worse, my friend. you drink out of stress and sheer depression.

      • Brenda

        and you’re broke.

  • Danielle Nathan

    Agreed, minus the morning after now is pretty much on par (for me in my mid 20s) with college experience unless its like this, “OMG, so hungover, why is my AC not on? Thank god I got that bottle of water and put it next to my nightstand like a GENIUS before bed last night. Do I smell coffee? Who’s pants are those? Oh, you’re here. I’d try and hook up with you again except I feel like there is a keg of beer that exploded into morning breath in my mouth, sorry about that.”

  • Andrés Nikolas Ordorica

    Ryan, I thought you were never coming back! I missed you XXXX

    • Ryan O'Connell

      honey i’ve been right here???

  • HOH

    Your life seems pretty bleak. :(

  • Boo Umaly

    i could write the sequel to this: getting drunk when you’re a semester away from graduating college and juggling 2 part-time jobs.

  • boorf

    Nah, fuck this. I reject your reality and substitute my own.

  • Jeannie

    I’d love to say this isn’t true but you hit just about every nail on the head. I used to do shot after vodka shot. Now it’s wine, wine, wine, whiskey when I’m feeling good, wine, more wine.

  • Brandon Humphries

    What does it say about me that i’ve never been that drunk? Guess I just need to own my boringness.

  • ameveryday

    Reblogged this on The.Morning.Edition and commented:
    Totally and completely 100% true.

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  • Hadley

    Puhllleze.. I’m a 30 something and partied like I was still in college throughout my 20’s and held down a job as an IT consultant! Life/partying does now go down the drain after college – in fact, it gets much better!! You can actually afford something other than keg beer and bottom shelf liquor!

  • Amanda

    You know my life.

  • guest

    cool, glad im still in college!

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    what happened to thought catalog TV?

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  • Cynthia

    this is SO TRUE! and so sad :(

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