6 Things You Should Stop Posting On Your Facebook

1. Pictures of you wasted holding a red cup

You know things are sorority girl #dark when you look at someone’s profile pictures and every single one shows them drunk, holding a generic red plastic cup or a gigantic cocktail. The captions for these photos always make jokes about their taste for alcohol. “Me n’ my one true love… LOL!” reads the caption for a photo of you cradling a bottle of Jim Beam while  passed out on a couch. “My fave holiday… CINCO DE DRUNKO!” reads another on a photo of you sipping a Texas-style margarita in a festive sombrero. I mean, on a certain level, I’m obsessed with you because you’re openly admitting that you’re a total lush but overall, I just visualize you as being that guy who doesn’t know when the party is over. If Facebook pages could have theme songs, yours would be “Closing Time” by Semisonic. I’m not saying that there should never be drunk photos of you on the Internet. I just think you should consider diversifying your online identity by including photos of you sober… in the daytime… with your niece or something.

2. Admitting that you like to smoke cigarettes while pregnant

The other day, a girl from my hometown, who I was barely acquaintances with back in high school, popped up on my newsfeed with a status update that read, “Why do people give smokers an evil look? If I wish to slowly kill myself… let me be.” Okay, that’s fine. I don’t smoke but you’re right — if you want to slowly kill yourself, that’s your prerogative. I won’t judge. But things took a turn for the hilarious when her friend commented on her status update, saying, “Im right there with ya. I get even worse looks because Im pregers, so I try not to smoke when Im out and about.”

Oh. My God. Did this person just admit that she smokes while pregnant and then have the audacity to bemoan being judged for it?! Someone call Child Protective Services and take away this woman’s WiFi connection. She’s clearly not a fit mother or Internet user.

Seeing things like this get written on Facebook blows my mind. Do people forget that you’re not writing in a private diary? This is a public forum where people like me are judging people like you. It must be a combination of a lack of self-awareness and a complete lack of shame. If I were a woman who smoked while pregnant, I’d be huddling in my bathrobe in the backyard, puffing away — not writing about it on Facebook!

3. Your horoscope

Unless we share the same astrological sign, I don’t care that Venus is synching up with the sun this month, which means you’ll get a promotion at work. Your horoscope needs to go with “Talking About Your Dreams” to some deserted island where no one can see/hear them.

4. Status updates about being depressed

When I get sad, I do a few things to cope with it. 1. I go blackout shopping and come to carrying a $40 spatula. 2. I talk to my roommate about it until she opens my mouth and pours wine down my throat to stop me from speaking. And 3. I write a vague post about it on Thought Catalog. What I don’t do, however, WHAT I WILL NEVER DO, is write an emo status update and watch the sympathy roll in from near-strangers.

Example: “This has been one of the hardest weeks of my life and it’s only Monday. I know it’s a good thing we broke up but I just wanna know when it will stop hurting so bad…”

Comment from your best friend in 5th grade, who you no longer see and is pregnant with her third child: OMG, what happened girlie? Let me know if you need anything, okay? I’m here 4 u.

Comment from your aunt: Your mom just called me and told me the bad news. So sorry to hear about this break up. He seemed like a good guy when we all met him at Christmas…

Comment from your ex boyfriend: It’s hard for me too. Don’t you see that? I LOVED YOU. I WAS GOING TO MARRY YOU BUT IT HAD TO END. My heart is breaking. I’m in bed now looking at where you used to lay next to me and I want to cry. I will always love you…

Comment from you, in response to your ex: Then why did you dump me? I trusted you! I even took you to my parents’ time share in Hawaii and this is the thanks that I get? Goodbye forever…

Comment from your aunt: LEAVE HER ALONE, YOU MONSTER!

Ugh, you see? Why would you emotionally prostitute yourself like that? Take your grief offline and into your therapist’s office.

5. Pictures of you and your significant other on vacation

When I look at your vacay photos to Bora Bora, this is what I think:

This trip must’ve cost so much money. How does anyone afford anything? Do you get paid to be in love these days? Is there a secret love donor that sends young and in love couples on tropical vacations, so people like me can feel bad about themselves?

Oh great, here they are snorkeling. I hate snorkeling. Who snorkels? I feel like that’s a taste you only acquire when you’re in love, like winter sports and optimism. Single people don’t snorkel.

Look at them at dinner smiling. A million bucks says that the next photo is of their food with the caption: “YUMMMYYY!” …Would you look at that, I’m a millionaire! That sea bass looks gross.

God, they probably had so much sex on this trip. They were probably just screwing the entire time. All of these gorgeous backdrops are actually from Photobooth. They never even left the hotel room.

Now I’m hungry and horny. Guess I’ll get the single person special: Porn and Thai delivery.

6. Tagging yourself in “professional party photos”

Because nothing says “DESPERADO” quite like getting photographed by The Cobrasnake past the age of 19/the year 2005. TC Mark

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.


More From Thought Catalog

  • N Looman

    Well done.

    “Single people don’t snorkel.” Love it.

  • Raychel

    “If Facebook pages could have theme songs, yours would be “Closing Time” by Semisonic.” Remember when MySpaces pages HAD theme songs?

    • Ryan O'Connell


      • lawwrain

        PLEASE DO!

  • caitlin


  • Kira

    oh this…this was good. well done!

  • Mushion

    I agree with you on every point except #5. That’s just bitterness speaking.

  • Pam

    I agree completely except for the vacation pics. If you’re not thrilled they get to do things you don’t, it’s your problem. :-)

  • http://brittanyraeann.wordpress.com brittanyraeann

    I also refrain from any emotional prostitution. Definitely one of the most annoying things about facebook.

  • http://www.facebook.com/marishimo Jenna Humphrey

    Do pple actually go to Bora Bra? It is like the PCP of vacation spots.

  • http://twitter.com/stylegoo1 stylegoo (@stylegoo1)

    #5 was the most Hilarious

  • L

    Dear god…the cobrasnake. How does he still exist and how come every girl I went to high school with now models for his horrible online overpriced thrift store?

  • Sam

    I agree with all points except for 5. You’re just being a bitter butt that they can afford a vaca filled with snorkelling and you can’t.

  • bob bobertson

    “Status updates about being depressed”

    ya save this for tc articles instead. thx.

  • guest

    You sure do love to hate facebook.

  • J

    So you won’t update about your sad life on Facebook for near-strangers to view but you will on ThoughtCatalog for actual strangers (and friends and everyone in between)? I don’t really see the distinction. And no, writing about your problems in a second-person, list format doesn’t make them that vague.

    • http://gravatar.com/tnsquared 22


  • http://littleboot-s.tumblr.com Britt

    Haha, didn’t Facebook pages have music for a time? At the verrrrry end of Myspace being a relevant “thing”?

    Also, people who post lyrics as statuses. EVERY status.

    • http://www.facebook.com/spanishforeagle Roman P. Aguila

      kinda follows up under #4 except people have to use song lyrics instead of their own thoughts due to being grammatically inept. I’ll take copy&pasting lyrics over the raping of the commonly misconstrued you’re=/= your concept. I know, third grade english was tough and it was a long long time ago.

      *mind you this isn’t aimed directly at you, I just needed a space to mini-rant

  • Stephanie

    I think #5 is a bit ridiculous.

  • http://priyasobsession.com Priya

    Haha, I couldn’t stop laughing! now I’m second-guessing the status I wrong my dental phobia.

  • http://priyasobsession.com Priya

    I WROTE ON *my dental phobia.:)

  • btst

    hahaha number 5 all the way. But you left out the mandatory picture of the hotel room… Ok, so you and boy/girlfriend went on a romantic trip, who the hell do you think cares what the room you slept in looked like??
    When I see it the only thing that goes through my mind is “oh look, it’s A BED!! who would’ve guessed they have those over there… So that’s where you f***ed every night? ok cool, I don’t need to see it, neither does anyone else on your Facebook”

  • Honey

    I totally do not agree on number 5. I think it’s pure bitterness about you being single and them being happily taken :))

    • Ryan O'Connell

      of course it is. i thought that was implied? i was clearly being hyperbolic and making myself seem like a loser

    • H

      Dear me that went right over your head didn’t it?

    • Megan

      Oh, honey.

  • Lauren

    bible quotes as statuses

    • Domino

      OMG YES

  • http://gravatar.com/steinlette steinlette

    “Now I’m hungry and horny. Guess I’ll get the single person special: Porn and Thai delivery.”
    Yesssss I fucking hate those posts so goddamn much. “I’m rich and in love!”

    bitter much?

  • Michelle

    It’s a shame I read this while at work and had to hold back the tears and the laughter so my boss wouldn’t ask me what exactly I was freaking out about. Nicely written. My favorite part are the first two things you do when you’re depressed. $40 spatulas… been there.

  • http://frenchgarden.wordpress.com frenchgarden

    U r a genius

  • Marc

    I think the pregers one might have been a joke?

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