1. They retweet compliments
I believe it was Tracie Egan Morrissey of Jezebel who once said that retweeting people who give you compliments is like smelling your own farts. She’s right. Why would you do something like this? When I see someone retweet things along the lines of, “OMG, your writing inspires me. Never stop!” and “U R so beautiful… haters gon’ hate!”, I immediately assume that this person wasn’t hugged enough as a child. Because let’s get real, you would never talk about these compliments IRL, so why would you think it’s appropriate to air them on Twitter? Like, you wouldn’t just go up to someone and say, “OMG, you guys. Here’s a list of the wonderful things people said about me today!” Would you? I’d hope not! It’s best to just look at these compliments, smile smugly and then forget about them until you need a self-esteem boost. If you decide to actually RT them, you’re basically jacking yourself off and you’re going to cum all over my face. “CAN SOMEONE GET ME A NAPKIN? Someone just RTed a compliment up in here!”
2. They use Twitter as a dumping ground for their Instagram/Tumblr
Don’t get me wrong, I love an Instagram moment. I love looking at photos of you all washed out and at the park with your BEST FRIENDS. Really, I do. Wish I could be there with ya too, hon! But please, don’t just drop Instagram bombs and links to your Tumblr all day on your Twitter with no context/caption. It uglies up your feed. INSTAGRAM LINK, TUMBLR LINK, “I love sunny days!”, INSTAGRAM LINK.” Your Twitter deserves better and so do I for following your ass in the first place. I want fresh, new content! I want funny quips and thinly-veiled references to getting laid and/or doing drugs! Is that too much to ask? GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT.
3. YOU DON’T LIKE THIS PERSON IRL
Sometimes we follow people on Twitter out of obligation. It could be because we work with them, they’re our cousin, or they’re a “powerful” person and they could potentially RT us one day and get a ton of new people to follow us. But honestly, if you know this person IRL and they’re not cool, just unfollow. Like if the thought of having to get drinks with them sends chills down your spine, you should just rip off the band-aid already and delete them from your feed. People freak out about unfollowing certain people. It’s like when we decide to follow them, we’re entering some unspoken contract that makes it impossible for us to ever unfollow them. We’re trapped! But screw that. If someone sucks, they suck. End of story. Sowwy.
4. They give incentives to reach more followers
Nothing’s grosser than someone begging people on Twitter to follow them. “Wow! 973 followers! 27 more to go till I hit 1k! Special prize for my 1000th follower! :)” Then, when they finally do reach a thousand followers, they act as if they just won an Oscar. “A thousand followers? Crazy! Thank you guys for sticking by me. I’m so touched!” You forgot to thank Jesus. Jesus got you to a thousand followers. Never 4get that…
5. They take oversharing to a new level
I’m all for a confessional Twitter moment. In fact, I think I do my best unedited tweeting when I’m drunk or on Ambien. But there’s a thin line between sharing humorous albeit revealing anecdotes about yourself and just being plain disgusting. For example, I don’t want to know that you took a dump this morning that smelled like beets, or that your butthole needs to gets bleached. For god’s sake, is nothing sacred? I think people honestly believe they’re being cute when they’re sharing gross out tales but, more often than not, they’re just being gross. I don’t give a sh-t about your sh-t so cut it out, will you? Stop tweeting things like “Is it weird to poop while eating a hamburger?” or “My period is late and I’m spotting everywhere. WHAT’S GOING ON WITH MY BODY?” Or “I farted. Can any of my followers smell it?” Ew. Sick. Unfollow.
6. They RT depressing news about brain cancer
One time, Lindsay Lohan RTed the most bizarre tweet from a fan. It read, “HELP. MY BEST FRIEND HANAH DIED FROM CARBON MONOXIDE POISONING. PLEASE RT!” So she did. She RTed this news about a girl who died from carbon monoxide poisoning. Sure, it’s a tragedy but why retweet it? To bring awareness to the people who suffer from carbon monoxide poisoning? I’ve never understood people who retweet things like, “MY FRIEND IS DYING FROM BRAIN CANCER. RT RT RT!” Will Twitter cure the brain cancer? I seriously don’t mean to sound insensitive. I’m just #NotClearOn what the retweets actually do to help. It seems to me like a lot of these things are hoaxes, like the Twitter version of chain letters in your email box that read, “FORWARD THIS EMAIL IF YOU DON’T WANT BAD LUCK FOR THE NEXT TEN YEARS!” And even if it is true, if someone is dying from brain cancer, how does Twitter fit into it? I’m not saying it’s not a powerful tool. Twitter can get you a job, a book deal, a new best friend. But let’s be clear about one thing: It’s not Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.