5 Things No One Wants To Be Caught Doing

1. Stuffing your face alone in a restaurant on a Saturday night.

Last weekend, I hit Single Girl rock bottom when I found myself eating at a very #dark fast food chain by myself on a Saturday night. The whole time I was sitting there, I was thinking, “Life is so cruel that I bet I would run into someone I know right now. The odds are so slim, but it would happen to me.” Lo and behold, as I was leaving the “restaurant,” I ran into a whole GROUP of my friends.

“OMG, hey Ryan,” my friend greeted me, looking equal parts confused and horrified.”What are you doing here?”

I didn’t even bother covering up my shame. I immediately was like, “Yep. I’m here by myself on a Saturday night. It’s come to this!”

Out of pity, they invited me to go to a wine bar with them but at that point, I just needed to go home and put the covers over my head. The fact that someone saw me engaging in such shameful DL behavior was too much for me to recover from.

My friend once told me a similar story about eating alone. It was Friday night after a long day at work and all she wanted to do was feast on a giant burger by herself. She went to a nearby restaurant, got her burger and sat down at a table facing a window, which turned out to be a big mistake because her ex-boyfriend soon walked by as she was mid-bite. So you know what she did? SHE DOVE UNDERNEATH THE TABLE TO AVOID BEING SEEN. Because at the end of the day, it’s more embarrassing for your ex to see you devour a burger by yourself on a Friday night than have restaurant patrons judge you for leaping to the ground for no apparent reason.

2. Googling weird stuff.

Is it just me, or do you find it sort of invasive when someone comes over to your house and uses your computer? It’s not like I have Google searches on there like “How to kill someone” or “Naked five-year-old boys riding horses and laughing” but there are some things that I’d like to keep private. My computer is my safe space. It’s there for me when I need to indulge my every creepy whim like Googling pictures of Mary-Kate Olsen and Heath Ledger or figuring how to get rid of bacne during the summer. (YOU KNOW I’M ON THAT BREAKOUT TIP DURING THE NEW YORK CITY SUMMERS, Y’ALL!) Obviously there are more embarrassing Google searches than bacne and Mary-Kate but I can’t divulge them. That’s the point. Google and I have a confidential relationship. There’s no room for another person so please B.Y.O.C. the next time you come to my apartment.

3. Lurking your ex on Facebook.

When I lurk exes on Facebook, I like to imagine that I’m alone with my MacBook Pro in a desert somewhere. Real life doesn’t exist. The second I click on that profile and settle in to do some serious lurking, there’s nothing else around me. This, of course, isn’t actually true because I live with a roommate who sometimes will plop down on the couch next to me when I’m mid-lurk. She’ll see what I’m doing and look at me with disapproving eyes. “Really, Ryan? Really? It’s like that tonight?” Yes, honey. I’m afraid that it’s ALWAYS like that.

4. Doing the walk of shame.

Two summers ago, I found myself waking up in Greenpoint at a boy’s house during an insane heatwave. Even though he wasn’t a random — we were actually dating — I was hungover, hot, and possibly needing to throw up, so I decided to hightail it out of there and walk to the L train at like 8 a.m. When the subway came, I breathed a giant sight of relief and plopped down on a seat, ready to close my eyes and pretend I was invisible, when I heard someone call my name.

“Oh my god,” a familiar voice screamed. “RYAN, HEY!”

I woke up startled and confused. DEAR GOD, NO. IT’S 8 A.M. WHO IS THIS CREATURE WHO’S EXPECTING WORDS TO COME OUT OF MY MOUTH? MUST LIFE BE SO CRUEL?

Oh, wait, it was just one of my good friends, Caitlin.

“Oh hey, babe…”

“What are you doing on the train right now? This isn’t your hood!”

I begrudgingly explained to her why I was riding the Shame Train at such an early hour and she thankfully understood. I guess everyone has smelled like tequila and penis at 8 a.m. before, so it was NBD. That train ride to Manhattan felt as long as Titanic though. Like I was wondering when we were going to hit that iceberg and be put out of our misery because I just couldn’t hang.  Why do I always run into people when I have my “DON’T SCREW WITH ME” face on? Is this the universe way’s of punishing me for engaging in homosexual acts and drinking too much? If so, it will never work. I don’t care if I have to run into five friends from high school and an ex when I’m doing my next walk of shame. I WILL NEVER STOP WAKING UP HUNGOVER IN CUTE BOY’S APARTMENTS!

5. Masturbating.

Saving the most obvious for last. I’ve never been caught masturbating before. Have you? It seems pretty hard to get caught, no? Like can’t you just lock your door or do it in the shower? Unless you have a roommate and like to jack off in the middle of the day on the couch, I don’t see this as being much of a risk. Just learn your roommate’s schedule and spank accordingly.TC Mark

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

Read Here

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  • E.S.G.

    ryan you are like the only redeeming writer on here anymore

  • Carrie

    6. Reading “Fifty Shades of Grey”.

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  • seikel

    I ALWAYS get caught polishing my bishop! Like 5 times a year at least. My gentleman’s relish just needs to get out!

    • k4bes.

      you sound like a real treat.

      • Guest

        AHAHAHA LAUGHED OUT LOUD AT K4BES

  • http://www.facebook.com/tekniklr Teri Solow

    I never really saw why there should be any shame in eating alone. It’s often easier to be antisocial and just eat what I want instead of co-ordinating with others about it.

    And, fuck “walk of shame”. It’s a walk of pride because getting laid is nothing to be ashamed of.

    • http://www.facebook.com/AmandaArcis Dee Dee Ramone

      ^THIS, lol :P

    • Veronica

      I agree getting laid is nothing to be ashamed of, but feeling/looking/being hungover and unwashed is not a great time to try to be good company.

    • neutra

      I believe it’s actually called a “stride of pride”.

      • neutra

        Elena beat me to it. Fudge.

    • http://www.facebook.com/sarasuebeedoo Sara Suzanne

      ^^ if it’s a ‘hate-eat’ scenario, you don’t want to get caught there. best done at home. otherwise, afrigginmen!

  • http://verbalbanter.wordpress.com verbalbanter

    #2 and #5 Most definately LOL

  • elena

    I prefer to call it stride of pride

  • http://goodbyestory.wordpress.com Skeleton Key

    Eating by yourself isn’t embarrassing. Also if you’re a boy it’d be “Single Boy” behavior. However good a writer you are, its just insulting to insist that being by yourself is an embarrassing trait of desperate lonely girls instead of people who just can’t be by themselves for any length of time…

    • Ryan O'Connell

      I eat alone all the time. I LOVE a solo lunch/dinner moment. I just don’t want to be seen alone at Subway at 11 o’clock on a Saturday night!

      • Maiasaura

        I think the main point of the above comment was that it’s offensive to say eating by yourself or not wanting to eat by yourself was somehow a womanly trait. Like women are so shallow and clingy that, OMG, it’s so sad when we have to eat alone.

  • http://scrawleddownpaperedges.blogspot.co.uk/ Henry

    Ryan, I am LOLing alone and loudly at my laptop. Perhaps this could be included in the list?

  • anonymouse

    I only jack off in the middle of the day.

  • Emily

    That cover picture!! Of the guy in the green vest jacket, which movie is it from? I saw it on Tumblr and I’ve been trying to figure out which movie that is! Someone tell me? :)

    • Gerry

      It’s Michael Fassbender in Shame.

      • Emily

        Thank you! :)

  • Tony

    Along with the Facebook lurking, I must add my own moment of shame. I was serving an incredibly beautiful man one slow afternoon. I cashed him out and took the liberty of using his credit card slip to see his name. I then started lurking his Facebook thinking that he had left when he snuck up behind me to get signed off on a promotion we do. He was quiet enough to sneak up and see that I was balls deep in his profile on my laptop. I couldn’t make make eye contact and still dread seeing him when he comes in.

    • Guest

      ahahaha “balls deep in his profile in my laptop” what a winner

  • SJR

    FB Ex-Lurking is when I go into absolute stealth mode. Bring back my Goldeneye skills. Brightness on lowest setting. Screen tilted down. Full perimeter scan. Never too safe.

  • Allnighter86

    I was once caught watching The Human Centipede with one of my best friends. His female roommate walked in on us during the last five minutes of the movie. I felt more embarrassed than if she had walked in on us watching porn.

  • Anonymous

    I’ve been googling pictures of baby animals for the past few hours. Baby leopards, baby elephants, baby meerkats…too freakin’ cute!

  • http://shizzlefrick.blogspot.com Nicholas aka Loser Virgin

    I will RELISH the day when I finally smell like tequila and penis at 8 a.m.

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  • Alex

    oh my god ryan, you’re so CUTE :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

  • http://archiblog22.wordpress.com tnsquared

    Ryan you just hit every note correctly. Can we just be besties?

  • Thought Catalog

    Reblogged this on The World Without Us.

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