1. Bethenny Ever After
You wake up everyday in your studio apartment and play “Suddenly I See” by KT Turnstall on your bejeweled iPad. Before you leave for work at your PR firm, you make sure to DVR the new episode of Bethenny Ever After and grab your autographed copy of A Place Of A Yes to put in your bag. You’ve read it four times already but you decided that you need an extra pick-me-up this week. At Starbucks, you yell at your barista for using low fat instead of skim milk and wonder if everyone is trying to sabotage your diet. During lunch, a co-worker tells you that they’re going on a vacation with their boyfriend to Bora Bora and it leaves you feeling enraged. Ask them if they were really coming from a place of yes when they agreed to go on the vacation. Your co-worker responds with “What?” and then spends the rest of her lunch eating by the fax machine because she’s scared of you. At night, you run a warm bath but instead of filling it with water, you pour 40 bottles of Skinny Girl margaritas into the tub. You soak in the alcohol, occasionally taking a sip, and end up passing out in bed with a post-it note dangling from your fingertips that has a quote from The Secret scribbled on it.
2. The Real Housewives franchise
You’re a homosexual and obsessed with Real Housewives. You live for a Sonja Morgan or Kim Richards moment and try to live your life according to their strict moral code. At bars, you and your friends will get into fake fights and channel Camille Grammer, screaming “You’ve got to start being honest because that’s not cool!” You find yourself having trouble conversing with people who don’t watch the show which freaks you out but also makes you feel strangely proud. To be a fan of Real Housewives is like belonging to a cult. But instead of having to wear white robes and drink Kool-Aid, you can wear $25,000 sunglasses and drink pinot grigio.
3. Tabatha Takes Over
You’re a diehard Bravo fan who loves watching lesbians get sh-t done! You aren’t doing much with your life right now, so seeing people who are actually attempting to be successful but still failing miserably brings you perverse joy. “I could open a frozen yogurt shop,” you hiss to yourself on the couch. “but then it would probably crash and burn, and become the subject of a reality show! So I guess you win this round, couch. You win….”
4. Flipping Out
You are one of Jeff Lewis’ lovers who’s locked away in his chic, contemporary modern dungeon. Or you’re my mom.
5. Million Dollar Listing
You’re broke as a joke and watching rich people fight over mansions is your TV equivalent of engaging in hate sex. It hurts you to watch people so privileged, especially when you’re eating ramen and considering acting in foot fetish porn, but you can’t help it! The houses are so massive and pretty…
6. Millionaire Matchmaker
You’re unlucky in love and can’t resist watching fellow singles who are crazier than you fall flat on their faces. You know you’re not perfect but at least you would never show someone a video of you posing in your bra and underwear on a first date… or ever.
6. Pregnant In Heels
You are no one. You don’t exist.