What Your Favorite Bravo Show Says About You: Part II

1. Top Chef

You fancy yourself to be a real foodie and/or harbor a bizarre attraction to Tom Colicchio. Daddy issues be damned, he is one sexy bald bitch. Watching him critique the food of neurotic chefs turns you on in inexplicable ways, which makes the show act as food porn and actual porn.  You spend your weekend days hungover on a couch watching Top Chef marathons and salivate at the sight of all that gourmet food. You think the model chick with scars on her face is a crappy host but you love it when celebrities like Zooey “allergic to everything” Deschanel and Lorraine “I’m so wasted” Bracco guest judge.

2. The Rachel Zoe Project

You’re either a super annoying sorority girl named Aimee or a gay guy who goes by the Internet identity of Devin Delicious. Inspirational quotes keep you going in the day-to-day and you probably work 80 hours a week in fashion PR. You imitate Rachel Zoe’s dead voice with your friends and say “I die” and “BANANAS” because it’s really funny?  Or you could just be like me and watch the show to see Rachel’s concave chest and her gay husband, Rodger. (That’s not a typo. He spells it with a “d.” Gay, right?)

3. Watch What Happens

You have a bit fat crush on Andy Cohen and need to see more of him than just at the amazing reunion shows. You also like watching gay icons get wasted in a tiny room with a shirtless bartender. Even though Cohen’s enthusiasm for everything can be a bit much at times, you watch the show for the authentic awkwardness. Anything can truly happen! It’s true!

4. Hey Paula/Being Bobby Brown

You are an old-school Bravo fan who loves watching fallen stars get high on camera. Hey Paula — a short-lived reality show that followed around a completely stoned Paula Abdul — is the real life version of The Comeback. She has a tragic gay hairstylist who’s kissing her ass and long-suffering assistants who have to do constant damage control whenever Abdul decides to get high and bark like a dog or nearly passes out in an interview. Being Bobby Brown is similar to Hey Paula except you can switch the morphine for crack. When you get into a fight with someone, make sure to channel Whitney Houston and scream/sing, “I’M NOT DOING THIS TOOOOODAAAY!”

5. NYC Prep

You have good taste, my friend. NYC Prep — a show that was touted as the real life Gossip Girl — provided nonstop hilarity in the form of five spoiled prep school kids living in New York City. My favorites were Jessie, a senior at Dalton who — no shade, y’all — looked like she was inbred, and Sebastian, a 16-year-old “player” with copious amounts of baby fat. PC, the gay cokehead who was trying his hardest to be like Ryan Phillippe in Cruel Intentions, was also pretty amazing. The summer the show came out, I ran into him walking in Beverly Hills and freaked out a little bit. I wanted to ask him what happened with his # 1 fag hag, Jessie, but I chickened out. Bravo reality stars can be intimidating!

6. My Life On The D-List

You have a disdain for Hollywood starlets and like to champion the underdog. Except now Kathy Griffin’s no longer on the d-list. She’s a famous comedian who sells out multiple nights at Madison Square Garden. Her schtick is getting pretty old — no one likes to pay $200 to sit in a massive stadium and hear someone complain about how not famous they are — but you’ll forever have a soft spot for Kathy. (You won’t watch her talk show though.) TC mark

Image via Kristin Dos Santos

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

Read Here

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  • PMB101

    I <3 NYC PREP! But Jessie went to Dwight, no Dalton, I believe. Still watch that show on Netflix Instant.

    • Labs

       Yup, Jessie went to Dwight aka (from urban dictionary)
      D-umb

      W-hite

      I-diots

      G-etting

      H-igh

      T-ogether

  • Cococat

    I know a girl who said “bananas” after every sentence….. BANANAS!

  • http://twitter.com/jemmehlee ~ JAMIE (//∇//)

    “You fancy yourself to be a real foodie and/or harbor a bizarre attraction to Tom Colicchio.” … so true T_T 

  • https://twitter.com/#!/ZachAmes macgyver51

     I thought this was going to be one of those tests that tells you to read all the directions and at the end tells you to simply write your name at the top for a passing grade. Except this time at the end it was going to explain that if you didn’t like any of those shows then you have passed at life.

  • Anonymous

    “— no shade, y’all —”  So why did I laugh my ass off? AND you read PC by. the. book.
    Oh god it’s on Netflix.
    Oh my gasasdfghvbnwsmgrssfdkjlg;asf’;kljh

  • http://www.twitter.com/mexifrida Frida

    Why did they stop NYC Prep??!! 
    It was so horribly, embarrassingly good.

  • Brandon h

    I don’t like any of the reality shows that are just about rich people being rich, so NYC Prep is out for me. I get frustrated watching absolutely awful people be awful.  

    I’d rather watch professionals doing professional stuff, so Top Chef is great. I’d fuck Anthony Bourdain before Tom though, just so long as he doesn’t say my cock tastes like “a head shop” mid-coitus.I loved My Life on the D List, but your right, the Griffin train has sailed. If I have to hear that bitch talk about Cher or Real Housewives one more time…

  • cheeseplatter

    omg please do TLC shows 
    i will cry
    i know they’re tasteless
    but i feel like you would be perfect for a toddler&tiaras/my strange addiction exposé

    (also it doesn’t take much to make me cry as i’m quite emotionally unstable when it comes to trashy reality television)

  • http://www.facebook.com/josephbrillantes Joseph Brillantes

     Tom Colicchio!!! :)

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