1. Top Chef
You fancy yourself to be a real foodie and/or harbor a bizarre attraction to Tom Colicchio. Daddy issues be damned, he is one sexy bald bitch. Watching him critique the food of neurotic chefs turns you on in inexplicable ways, which makes the show act as food porn and actual porn. You spend your weekend days hungover on a couch watching Top Chef marathons and salivate at the sight of all that gourmet food. You think the model chick with scars on her face is a crappy host but you love it when celebrities like Zooey “allergic to everything” Deschanel and Lorraine “I’m so wasted” Bracco guest judge.
2. The Rachel Zoe Project
You’re either a super annoying sorority girl named Aimee or a gay guy who goes by the Internet identity of Devin Delicious. Inspirational quotes keep you going in the day-to-day and you probably work 80 hours a week in fashion PR. You imitate Rachel Zoe’s dead voice with your friends and say “I die” and “BANANAS” because it’s really funny? Or you could just be like me and watch the show to see Rachel’s concave chest and her gay husband, Rodger. (That’s not a typo. He spells it with a “d.” Gay, right?)
3. Watch What Happens
You have a bit fat crush on Andy Cohen and need to see more of him than just at the amazing reunion shows. You also like watching gay icons get wasted in a tiny room with a shirtless bartender. Even though Cohen’s enthusiasm for everything can be a bit much at times, you watch the show for the authentic awkwardness. Anything can truly happen! It’s true!
4. Hey Paula/Being Bobby Brown
You are an old-school Bravo fan who loves watching fallen stars get high on camera. Hey Paula — a short-lived reality show that followed around a completely stoned Paula Abdul — is the real life version of The Comeback. She has a tragic gay hairstylist who’s kissing her ass and long-suffering assistants who have to do constant damage control whenever Abdul decides to get high and bark like a dog or nearly passes out in an interview. Being Bobby Brown is similar to Hey Paula except you can switch the morphine for crack. When you get into a fight with someone, make sure to channel Whitney Houston and scream/sing, “I’M NOT DOING THIS TOOOOODAAAY!”
5. NYC Prep
You have good taste, my friend. NYC Prep — a show that was touted as the real life Gossip Girl — provided nonstop hilarity in the form of five spoiled prep school kids living in New York City. My favorites were Jessie, a senior at Dalton who — no shade, y’all — looked like she was inbred, and Sebastian, a 16-year-old “player” with copious amounts of baby fat. PC, the gay cokehead who was trying his hardest to be like Ryan Phillippe in Cruel Intentions, was also pretty amazing. The summer the show came out, I ran into him walking in Beverly Hills and freaked out a little bit. I wanted to ask him what happened with his # 1 fag hag, Jessie, but I chickened out. Bravo reality stars can be intimidating!
6. My Life On The D-List
You have a disdain for Hollywood starlets and like to champion the underdog. Except now Kathy Griffin’s no longer on the d-list. She’s a famous comedian who sells out multiple nights at Madison Square Garden. Her schtick is getting pretty old — no one likes to pay $200 to sit in a massive stadium and hear someone complain about how not famous they are — but you’ll forever have a soft spot for Kathy. (You won’t watch her talk show though.)