Things You’ve Always Wanted To Say To Your Stupid Ex

You treated me like crap. You really, really did. For a while there, I actually thought you hated me and maybe a small part of me still does. None of that matters now though. (Lie.) It’s in the past and I’m not letting it bleed over in to the present. (Total lie, Jesus Christ.)

Loving you felt awful because I was reminded every second of how much it wasn’t reciprocated. The more affection I showed you, the bigger the divide in our bed would be. People tell me that there always has to be someone who’s loved less in a relationship and, if that’s true, I’m starting to wonder if that person will always be me. Am I just more comfortable tackling someone who’s perceived as a challenge? Am I just more comfortable working hard for some small token of affection? It scares me that this might be who I am  but I also feel powerless to change it. I’ve been taught now to expect inequity in the love department. I don’t know if I would be able to even accept an equal amount of love.

After the break up, I told you I was over it and ready to be friends but, surprise, I wasn’t! Why does anyone still fall for that? Of course I’m not ready to be friends with you! To be honest, I don’t think I ever will be but I wasn’t strong enough to reject you, even after you had so clearly rejected me. You accepted my friendship perhaps to alleviate some of the guilt you had from breaking up with me. You could sleep easier at night if you knew that I was doing okay and ready to be in your life again. Can I just say something though? Screw you. You knew I wasn’t ready for a friendship. I was just feeding you lies to keep you around in some capacity. It was your job to turn me down and give me some space and time to grieve, to really get over it. Instead, you were just like, “Cool! Lez be friends. I feel so much better about everything now!”

There comes a point when you have to realize that you’re the stronger person. You need to understand that I’m weak and cannot cut you out on my own, so you have to do it for me. When I’m sitting with you and saying that everything is okay and I have no resentments and I’m glad we can still be friends, what I’m really saying is, “HELP! I WANT TO STRIP YOU NAKED AND HAVE SEX WITH YOU ALL NIGHT! BEING FRIENDS WITH YOU IS A FORM OF EMOTIONAL TORTURE! PLEASE CUT ME OFF FROM THE DRUG THAT IS YOU.” Why can’t you tell that’s what I’m saying? Do I need to get a translator for you?

My grief is totally unoriginal, which makes it even harder. I know that there were people before me that acted this way and there will be people after — addicted to being loved less, unable to set boundaries, losing self-respect constantly. And there will always be people like you too. There will always be people who are selfish and want to have their cake and toy around with it too. I guess I just want to say that I think you’re a bad person. I admit my role in all of this — it takes two to tango, of course — but you’re rotten because you knew how hard all of this was for me. It’s not your fault for not loving me but it is your fault for keeping me around and giving me false hope. Your gift to me is erasing me from your life. Not letting me need you. Just give it to me already. Let me go. TC mark

image – Helga Weber

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

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  • Anna Walsh

    Wow. This is so relevant to my life right now. I really needed to read this. Thank you.

  • TCR

    Ryan, did we share a boyfriend? Because this is scary accurate.

    Chin up, bro! Anddddddd I hope you had a great rebound? haha

  • Releasethestarss

    Perfect. This is just perfect. 

  • Jas

    I hear you brother. Everyday I have to tell myself that I’m right in choosing to follow my head instead of my heart because it will never work out with the disrespectful bitch, even if she does, at some point, gain some appreciation of what constitutes acceptable behaviour for a girl in a relationship. I will be headfucked no more.

  • http://www.facebook.com/richa.magick Richa Singh

    Remember this: It gets better. It gets better. It gets better.
    It gets better. :)

    • http://nwairah.tumblr.com/ Nwairah

      LIES!

      • http://www.facebook.com/richa.magick Richa Singh

        It will get better! I don’t know how long it’ll take, but it will. It did for me, and that’s not why I say it will. It’s human nature, our brains are hardwired to protect themselves. Memories dull away. People move on. And that’s how it gets better.

    • HellNo

      It’s been a year and a half. It doesn’t get better.

      • Gmo Saza

        For me it’s been about two years and a half.  It gets a little better.

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

        Then you meet the love of your life. True story.

      • http://www.facebook.com/anniehighleysmith Annie Highley-Smith

         WHADDUP

      • observer

        For one guy, it was nearly two years before it got better. For another, it got better within the space of a few weeks. It will get better. You need to give yourself time.

      • http://www.facebook.com/richa.magick Richa Singh

        Then give it another year. :)

        And in the meantime, allow yourself to love again. Love the little things in life. I remember how I wasted half a year on someone, crying myself to sleep every night. I’m not getting that time back. I wouldn’t want you to look back with the same regrets.

    • JadedRomantic

      It may get better, but I certainly don’t feel it now. What I do feel though, is that I am getting better at pretending things are better.

      • http://www.facebook.com/richa.magick Richa Singh

        Maybe it’s a start?

  • Katy

    My ex-boyfriend did exactly what you wanted your ex to do. He cut me off. And I hate him for it. I feel like no matter what, I’ll hate him.

  • Anonymous

    I love you. This is too perfect. I went through this before it seems all so ridiculous now, but once I got over it… I just felt so stupid. Realized I had to “grow some balls” and stop being the victim.

  • Guest

    this is the most accurate thing I have ever read. it’s beautiful.

  • http://twitter.com/PatrishCee patrish

    “There comes a point when you have to realize that you’re the stronger person. You need to understand that I’m weak and cannot cut you out on my own, so you have to do it for me.”

    regrettably undeniably true.

  • Librarygirl

    SO true….And I am at the point where I know I can’t keep up the friends thing, cos even that is unequal – I email, chat, send cards for occasions, but get precious little back as he is ‘SO BUSY’.  And yet I’ve accepted this for way too long. This is so relevant right now!  Great article!

  • Guest

    yes. 

  • Anonymous

    When did TC become the Private Journal of Ryan?

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=667441091 Archita Trisal

      Ryan has mentioned before that whatever he writes may or may not be about him. He is inspired by other people’s lives all the time. What he means to write is what a lot of us go through, and in first person, so when we read it, it becomes a reflection of what exactly we would like to say.

      • Anonymous

        I didn’t know know that about Ryan. I guess now I have a better perspective of his writing. In regards to your comment, I can sympathize with people because I too have been in that self-pity phase. But I can’t stand writing that dwells on this type of stuff. I guess it’s nice to hear that other people have gone through the same shit, but when it’s written in an open forum like this, it’s like accepting an invitation to a pity party. I know that it’s all part of the grieving process, but in the past it’s never really made me feel better. You want to write something truly inspirational? Make someone feel something they aren’t already feeling.

    • guest

       Ryan’s gay tho… Who is this she you are referring you. (I BET IT’S YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS BECAUSE YOU WERE THINKING ABOUT A GIRL WHO DUMPED YOU AND HOW SHITTY YOU FELT, ASSWIPE.)

      • Anonymous

        I didn’t know that he was gay. But honestly, what does that have to do with anything? And no, it wasn’t my subconscious because I’m well aware that I was indeed writing based off my own experiences. I even said, “I’ve been there myself.” All I was pointing out is that at some point, WE have to stop playing the victim and get the hell over it :)

  • Lora_mathis

    This is so accurate. Screw exes everywhere.

  • Mouse in the house

    I’d hate, absolutely hate him if he cut me off, no matter how much I needed it at the time. Much better to realize how much of a lie the “let’s be friends!” line is on my own, and then back off upon realizing it.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=167200198 Kristy Meyer

    My god. This is what I’m going through right now except I had the guts to tell him to never talk to me again last night, but I don’t doubt that one of us will cave….

  • observer

    Ryan, I’ve been through exactly that and these are the thoughts that I experienced every day, for months. But there comes a time when you have to take ownership of your weakness. You let people in your life, you relate to them and you care about them enough to let them walk all over you. It can be a virtue, but this is not an investment you’ll get any returns on. Walk away, pick up your dignity and self respect. Someone who knows of your emotional attachment to them and continues to exploit it is not someone you want in your life. I speak as someone on the other side when I say that the feelings of liberation and empowerment you eventually gain are worth the interim pain of severing all ties. Do it. Become strong because of it.

  • Daz

    Perfect. Words from my heart and soul. Fuck him.

  • Good

    v good

  • DCDenise

    Is this site for teenagers?  I have been reading it for awhile and I am starting to think that I am WAY too old to be here? Especially after this story.

    • guest

       then fucking leave.

      • DCDenise

        No need to be so rude. I wasn’t trying to be sarcastic. I was asking a legitimate question. There are plenty of sites designed for younger people and I was just wondering if this was one of them.

      • Kirsten

        And you don’t think what you said was rude?

      • Goosey

         It’s for teenagers, young adults, adults and the elderly. To quote Yoko Ono– “Some people are old at 18 and some are young at 90. Time is a concept that humans created.’

    • june

       hmm I dont know, I’m 24, I’m in no way a teenager anymore, I’ve been through a whole lot in my life already, and still I wanst imune to feeling exactly what ryan expressed just last year. so I dont know, if you feel you are so over human feelings like sorrow and rejection then yeh, this is probably not the right site for you. Maybe you should go and read economics and politics websites, those are much much more adult!

  • appl3

    ryan, you always read my mind.

  • Jasmine K

    I am half considering linking my ex to this page.

  • Anon

    fuck the haters love you ryan

  • Maghennicole

    You always take exactly what I’m feeling and craft them into something that translates perfectly. 

  • Ariel31

    You write what everyone feels at some point and few people have the courage to say. I did forward this to a recent ex and am okay with that.

    • margiesque

      Let us know how I went. I will forward this to mine if we ever talk again.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Colleen-DellaPorta/26113559 Colleen DellaPorta

    I completely feel this and am thinking of dropping the link on a certain someone’s page. 

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