Things I Wonder Now That You’re Gone

I wonder who will be the next person to see you naked. Who will be the person that gets to put their mouth all over you and see you cum and fall asleep next to you? Will they know that I’ve been there? Are you even able to sense such a thing? I wish I could create a chastity belt for you, so that whenever someone attempts sex, it’ll zap them. I know it sounds like a drastic measure but, hello, your body was mine, dammit! I had ownership over it and I have the receipts to prove it. I could do whatever I wanted to it and now you’re saying it’s no longer mine to have. It’s going to belong to someone else soon and before long, my fingerprints will be erased from it forever.

I wonder if passing the corner of Sunset and Curson — where I lived during the duration of our relationship and still continue to reside — will flood you with memories. I wonder if you’ll start to take Fountain just to avoid the trigger. It’s embarrassing to admit but I have this image of you occasionally driving past my house like a psycho and checking to see if my light is on. (Spoiler: It will ALWAYS be on. I won’t be ready to leave my apartment for another two months.) I wonder this because just yesterday I was walking past Amoeba Records and thought I was going to puke all over the sidewalk. Because I was just inundated with these memories of us going there and then stopping by Jack in the Box across the street for a shake. Realistically, this only happened like eight times but it felt like a big part of our relationship. If I’m getting sidetracked by freaking Amoeba Records, I swear to god, I hope something is stopping you in your tracks. I don’t want to be the only one who’s getting stunned by nostalgia.

I wonder if you’ve changed. I wonder if you still listen to My Bloody Valentine’s Loveless all the time, scaring away your roommates, or if your tastes have changed. I saw you post a video of some weird band I’ve never heard of on Facebook the other day and it felt like a betrayal. Isn’t that pathetic? It hurt me to know that you’re experiencing things without me, even if it’s something as a minor as discovering a new band. Why didn’t you call me first and tell me about it?! Your life is supposed to end the second I’m gone. All of your tastes will remain the same.

I wonder who you’re going to be without me. If you’re ever going to really change, or if you’re going to find someone who is going to fit into your life perfectly. I wonder if you’re going to stop drinking so much, or make up with your father, or if you’re going to grad school, or if you’re going to have a falling out with your best friend, or move far away to start over. I wonder if you’ll have a period of sadness and wish to talk to me about it. I want to be able to say that you can call me anytime, that I will always be here for you no matter what, but that wouldn’t be good for either of us, now would it?

I want to stop wondering now. When can I stop? TC mark

image – Vinoth Chandar

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

Read Here

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  • Ahmad Radheyyan

    I bet myself 500 dollars this was gonna be a Ryan O’ Connell before clicking it, and, lo and behold, I am now none the richer.

    • Elyse

      I bet myself $500 that your comment wasn’t going to have a point, and, lo and behold, I just won $500 dollars. From myself. So we all lose.

      • Guest-1337

        Don’t worry, I get defensive when people make fun of my favorite e-author too. We’re not that different!

  • http://summerslowrunner.wordpress.com/ Summer

    We’re two people wondering the same thing, bro. Sucks. 

  • Charlie

    I know that feel bro. 

  • Sad

    Ugh…god. Another entry that pertains to my current situation.

  • Kpezick

    i love this <3

  • SAM

    wow, i truly truly hate to be that asshole (i know, then why am i being that asshole?) but, there’s a you’re in there that’s supposed to be a your. besides that, though, ryan, you’ve managed to once again write such a relatable piece that i LOVE. keep ’em coming, always :)

  • Hannah

    “I wonder if you still listen to My Bloody Valentine’s Loveless all the time, scaring away your roommates, or if you’re tastes have changed” HOLY FUCK SOMEONE PROOFREAD BEFORE POSTING. PLEASE.

  • RIPP

    Dear Lord, just tell me how to stop wondering. It never stops. 

  • http://twitter.com/dietblonde Elizabeth

    I wish I knew the secret to being unforgettable.

    • Newton 31

      I am sure you are unforgettable to someone! :-)

  • NYCwriter

    You remind me of Augusten Burroughs, except better.

  • Cherrie Kim

    time heals everything :)

    • Mamajamerson

      IMHO – That is total bullshit we tell ourselves to make it through the night. In reality, time throws scar tissue over the wound until we reach a point where we can function reasonably well again. But heal? That just doesn’t happen.

  • Jessica

    Your articles are always so relatable. Also Sunset & Curson!!!!

  • livmusic

    So yeah, editing. It’s good. We really don’t need the alarming misuse of ‘you’re’/’your’ to pervade sites and publications like this one that claim to be smart as well as culturally relevant. Otherwise, nice article!

  • http://www.facebook.com/summer.gillen Summer Gillen


    I want to stop wondering now. When can I stop?”

    Yes, please. Can someone please let us all know? Obviously this is a problem…

  • Anonymous

    whoa when did you move to LA

  • guest

    sounds like a cup of joe.

  • http://www.facebook.com/amberrrjade Amberjade Pappas

    Sigh.

  • ANG

    Damn, this is foreshadowing my thoughts. The way things are going, I know that the break-up is inevitable.

    What’s stopping me from ending it is this: “I want to be able to say that you can call me anytime, that I will
    always be here for you no matter what, but that wouldn’t be good for
    either of us, now would it?”

    I’m not ready to stop talking to him. :/

  • Celine

    Answer: about a year. Until you’ve swept your brain and body for the stubborn remaining vestiges of your feelings, packed it into a mason jar and place it in the back of your brain. Do this with a smile, with the readiness to move on, and you’ll stop caring so much it feels like your some part of your consciousness may forever be tied to this person. Time and compartmentalization are your friends in this. 

    This too shall pass. 

  • Hannah Levin

    I’ve been to the jack in the box across from amoeba with someone i love as well. you’re not alone 

  • http://xtheredangelx.blogspot.com/ Wendy Lu

    I’ve heard that it takes you half the amount of time you were together for you to get over a breakup. I think I believe that.

    • Mary

      I heard it can take double the time.

      • Annie

        It took me (is taking me) the same amount of time.

  • alexa

    The whole body part was the more hard hitting one in my opinion. It doesn’t help that I found out I was cheated on. And I always wondered I gave him anything that he needs, what else did he want!

  • didntseeitcoming

     “Cum” came a bit quick for me.

  • http://twitter.com/edushke Edite A

    I didn’t realize this was written by a guy until i scrolled back up to look at the author… amazing! Love your style :)

  • Sophia

    This made my heart ache.

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