How To Be Romantic In 2012

Meet on OKCupid but tell everyone you met at a concert or a bar. “Can you believe it? A bar? I knowwwwwww.” You lie because you’re embarrassed and don’t want anyone to know that you were actively looking for love. It reveals a certain kind of desperation, even though it’s just human nature to do so. Fail to realize that OKCupid is romantic — two people who are willing to admit that they’re ready for companionship and fall for each other without playing any games. You knew they wanted to find somebody to love so now they have to answer all your texts in a timely fashion. They can’t hide behind the excuse of not being ready for a relationship! They were clear about wanting something real which, in this notoriously fickle age, is about as romantic as it gets.

Send them YouTube clips of songs you like in Gchat. Feel like these songs will make them understand you more, uncover some secret they had always wanted to know about you. You like shoegaze, the occasional Limp Bizkit song, and listen to classical music before bed. “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.” They reciprocate with a curated list of songs from YouTube. Cringe at the occasional bad choice — that song by Goyte needs to just stop — but still be smitten regardless. “what r u doing tonight? i get off work at 6. meet me IRL at that place on 7th.”

These online interactions create a build-up to the IRL encounters. It’s like you’ve been jacking off for hours and can finally just cum. Talk, laugh, grab knees. A dreamy song starts playing in the bar and you decide to kiss. Tongue, back and forth, grab the face, stroke the hair. You know what to do. Kiss all the way back to your apartment but don’t invite them up. You have a lot of excited texts to send when you go upstairs.

Start to limit your internet interactions because you feel like it mucks everything up. In the beginning, you just want to see them in the flesh and pretend you’re dating in 1986, or even 2003 — a simpler time for love. When you’re apart, call them right before bed to talk about each other’s day. It may wake them up but they won’t care, trust me. They want to get that phone call. These conversations can often feel like the most intimate thing ever. Your bodies aren’t in front of each other, so there’s no possibility of sex i.e. no clear incentive to keep talking. Talking on the phone can be awkward so if you can make these phone conversations move fast and effortlessly, you know you’ve landed someone special.

Respect them too much to update your Facebook profile as “In A Relationship with *insert link to their Facebook profile here.*” You want to keep it private. You don’t want your best friend from Kindergarten congratulating you on the good news. You don’t want your nemesis clicking on your significant other’s FB profile and thinking, “LOL, He’s not even that cute…” Keeping your relationship off Facebook feels like the ultimate romantic gesture. You’ll let the Internet have bits and pieces of you but it can’t have this. This is the one thing that reminds you of real life.

Maybe that’s the key to being romantic in 2012: Loving them in a timeless way. Not allowing yourself to be shackled to these modern inventions that can sometimes destroy the sanctity of a relationship. Smart phones, Facebook, and Twitter all breed mistrust. They turn you into an insecure detective who’s convinced that they’re always one keystroke away from being betrayed. It’s best to just will all of this out of your relationship and to protect its privacy. After all, you’re in a relationship with them — not G-chat, texting, or social networking. Stop forgetting that. TC mark

image – matturick

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

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  • Bark Muckerzerg

    Last paragraph hit home quite hard. Well done!

  • http://www.facebook.com/anniehighleysmith Annie Highley-Smith

    you left out sexting.

  • http://twitter.com/godwearsfendi Opik

    Met a guy on the most hopeless website in the internet, he lives three thousand miles away from me, never met him in real life, yet he already made my life like an emotional roller coaster. Ugh

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1072327612 Ketsia Leste

       same here…

  • Jessica

    i like the first paragraph

  • Guest


    These online interactions create a build-up to the IRL encounters. It’s like you’ve been jacking off for hours and can finally just cum. Talk, laugh, grab knees. A dreamy song starts playing in the bar and you decide to kiss. Tongue, back and forth, grab the face, stroke the hair. You know what to do. Kiss all the way back to your apartment but don’t invite them up.”

  • Heathem89

    very nice!

  • http://twitter.com/meganmvo Megan Vo

    Yeah, I feel like changing your relationship status on Facebook is equivalent to having a ribbon cutting ceremony for your um, new life?

  • alpal

    I really, really love this. 

  • Guest

    “Keeping your relationship off Facebook feels like the ultimate romantic gesture. You’ll let the Internet have bits and pieces of you but it can’t have this. This is the one thing that reminds you of real life.” YES! That’s exactly how I feel.

  • Bear Doubt

    “It’s like you’ve been jacking off for hours and can finally just cum.”

    Romanticism accomplished.

  • Guest

    Nice work O’Connell.

  • http://twitter.com/mitzyredmango Mitzy

    ” …Loving them in a timeless way. Not allowing yourself to be shackled to these modern inventions that can sometimes destroy the sanctity of a relationship.” 

    You phrased it so  wonderfully. 

  • Paidee

    Ryan, you are like the 21st century Shakespeare..you probs drink lots of wine and just write greatness all day..and of course have lots and lots of sex! Love this!

  • http://thoughtsontheatre.wordpress.com thoughtsontheatre

    Brilliant. Reads like a modern Cyrano.

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