I was supposed to interview Ryan Gosling and James Franco — the celebrated stars of the upcoming drama, Hey Girl, Hey Boi — at the Chateau Marmont but their publicist called me last minute and informed me that the two heartthrobs are on a raft somewhere in the Pacific Ocean and I have to meet them there if I want to do the interview. At first I was like, “Are you serious? I’m not going in the middle of the ocean!” But then I thought of Ryan Gosling naked and James Franco feeding him water out of a canister and I was suddenly like, “I love rafts! Off to Malibu!”
I’ve interviewed James Franco before. (Full disclosure: Shortly after that interview, we moved into a bungalow in Burbank, California, and started dating. He told me it was good for his art to date men and I responded with, “Awesome because it’s good for my dick to date you.” We broke up nine days later though after I found him in bed with his brother, Dave Franco. I mean, ew! But also kind of hot, let’s be real. Have you SEEN Dave? They told me it was for a performance art film called Brother2Brother premiering at Cannes but at that point, I was just like, “This is too James Franco, even for me,” and left my Burbank dreams behind in a trail of tears and incest.)
I’ve never met Ryan Gosling, although I’ve heard he’s exactly like James Franco — except for the fact that he’s a tad insecure about his looks. It’s been rumored that he feels 1.9% less cuter than Franco, which has caused a bit of tension. On set, Franco would make fun of Gosling for his physical shortcomings, like having a “pathetic” clavicle and “unattractive” earwax. Thankfully, these feuds would end once a shaman was brought to set and the three engaged in a healing tantric threesome. So that’s good to hear.
As I was doggy-paddling to their raft, which was about 90 miles from shore JESUS CHRIST, I wasn’t sure what to expect. Would James even remember me? I thought that what we had was special but who knows if he felt the same? And was Ryan Gosling going to be all RYAN GOSLING about everything? Ugh!
I approached their raft and was pleasantly surprised to see both of them naked, doing yoga with Goldie Hawn.
TC: Hi James Franco, Less Cuter Version Of James Franco, and… Goldie Hawn.
James Franco: Ryan, it’s been so long. I haven’t seen you since you left me at a Bob’s Big Boy in Tarzana.
TC: I’m sorry about leaving you at Bob’s Big Boy, James. If I regret anything in my life, it’s that.
Ryan Gosling: Who is this, James? Why did he just accuse me of being less attractive than you?
James Franco: Well, have you seen your right earlobe lately? It’s ugly, dude…
Ryan Gosling: Maybe you should take a look at your eyelids before you say sh-t like that. They’re depressing.
Goldie Hawn: Namaste.
TC: Why is Goldie Hawn here?
James Franco: We don’t know. Kate Hudson just dropped her off with us and said that she was “our problem now” — whatever that means. She’s pretty chill though. She likes to feed the dolphins.
Ryan Gosling: I loved her in First Wives Club. I mean, can you say “icon”?
Then, the weirdest thing happened. Goldie Hawn just voluntarily rolled herself off the raft screaming “NAMASTE!” and fell into the water. Within seconds, a swarm of sharks were circling her.
Ryan Gosling: Hey girl! A shark!
Ryan Gosling threw himself into the water and did some karate moves on like ten Great Whites. I think I actually heard the head shark whisper to his pack, “Crap, it’s Ryan Gosling!” before separating, which was totally impressive. (I may or may not have even gotten an erection.) Then he pulled Goldie and her now-detached leg out of the water to safety.
TC: Oh my god, Goldie lost her leg!
Ryan Gosling: Hey girl, no worries.
Okay, so this is when things got really weird. Ryan Gosling stood over Goldie’s detached leg and started chanting “I’m Ryan Gosling!” over and over again, until Goldie’s leg picked itself up and walked over to Goldie’s upper thigh to re-attach itself. I couldn’t believe it! Ryan Gosling had Ryan Gosling’d Goldie’s leg back to health in a matter of seconds.
Goldie Hawn: Namaste.
TC: Wow, Ryan! You just saved Goldie Hawn’s leg. How’d you do it?
Ryan Gosling: I’m Ryan Gosling.
James Franco: Whatever, dude. I once saved Oprah Winfrey from being eaten in a food compressor just by winking at her.
Ryan Gosling: Yes and we’ve had to hear about it every day since…
James Franco: Sounds like someone’s jealous. Maybe you should cry into your deformed shoulder about it.
Ryan Gosling and James Franco stood up like they were going to fight each other. Meanwhile, Goldie Hawn took out a bucket of popcorn from out of nowhere and started munching on some raw kernels.
TC: Is this the part where you guys have sex?
They looked at me with disgust.
James Franco: That only happens when our shaman, Obatunde, is around and he’s gone in the Amazon right now. So you can get your mind out of the gutter, okay?
TC: We can roleplay. I can be Obatunde. Look, I’m just trying to be here for you guys. Whatever it takes — just like that movie you starred in with Shane West, right James?
Ryan Gosling and James Franco started to get really freaked out by my behavior at this point. They sat back down and covered both their genitals with a banana leaf.
Ryan Gosling: So are you going to interview us about our movie or what?
TC: Oh yeah, sure. Tell me about it.
James Franco: Ryan and I wrote it together one night at a Chipotle.
Ryan Gosling: We wanted something raw.
James Franco: Primal.
Ryan Gosling: Edgy.
James Franco: So we decided to set it in an orphanage. And there’s this young girl there named Annie.
Ryan Gosling: And she likes to sing.
James Franco: Because she’s poor. And poor people like to sing cause–
Ryan Gosling: They’re depressed.
James Franco: Yeah, depressed.
TC: Wait, you guys. You know there was already a movie about an orphan girl named Annie, right?
Ryan Gosling: What? No, there’s not.
TC: It’s called Annie. They have that famous song that goes like, “It’s a hard knock life for us…”
James Franco: You’re an idiot. That song is by Jay-Z. Not some musical.
TC: It was sampled from the musical…
Ryan Gosling and James Franco looked at each other for about two minutes in silence before Ryan Gosling broke down sobbing in James Franco’s arms.
James Franco: Nice. Very nice. Got any other ways you can ruin Ryan Gosling’s day?
It was then that I realized I should probably get going. I had made Ryan Gosling cry and I think Goldie Hawn was catching pigeons and eating them at this point. The day was done. You can catch Hey Girl, Hey Boi in theaters next month. Or just rent the movie Annie instead since they appear to be the exact same thing. Namaste.