A Review Of Every Britney Spears Music Video Ever

11. “Boys”

There’s a lot going on in this video. First of all, Pharell Williams is all up in Britney’s Kool-Aid without even knowing the flavor, and Britney’s just like “BRB. I gotta go whisper some vocals.” Meanwhile, Austin Powers shows up to promote his movie Goldmember and everyone’s just like “Can you not, Mike Myers?” I will say that Britney looks gorgeous and “Boys” is a really fun song to make out to in the club. That’s all I got for this one.

12. “Me Against The Music” (featuring Madonna)

I’m OBSESSED with this video. It’s perhaps the most lesbian thing Britney has ever done, including the time she shaved her head in a strip mall in Tarzana.  The plot of the video goes like this: Britney’s dancing in the club as her dyke den mother Madonna (wearing a power suit and carrying a CANE) watches her from a private room. Then Britney’s like “I need to find Madonna, my lover!” and Madonna’s like “Um, no. We’re in a fight.” and runs into this room with leaves on the ground and a swing. Britney frantically searches for her, dancing out her aggression on the way, and Madonna is just swinging on the swing being like “Catch me if you can, lesbian!” The video ends with Britney finally tracking her down and pinning her against a wall. As Britney closes in for a kiss, however,  Madonna disappears into thin air—which I find to be incredibly homophobic! Just have them make out, for god’s sake!

13. “Toxic”

Both the song and the accompanying music video for “Toxic” are defining moments in Britney’s career. Not only is it the edgiest and most interesting single she’s released thus far, the video is beyond major with its fast-paced blend of action/adventure and sex. I mean, hello. The wigs! The make outs! The untimely deaths! My heart is racing just thinking about it! The video looks expensive as hell but I’d wager to say it’s worth it. Plus, it marks Britney’s true transformation into adulthood. She’s not making bubblegum pop anymore, kids! She’s a woman/femme fatale/secret agent!

14. “Everytime”

This has got to be my favorite music video Britney has ever done. Even though there’s no sex or elaborate dance routines, it packs the most emotional punch. Directed by shock celebrity photographer David La Chapelle, Britney and her bad boy boyfriend Stephen Dorff portray a celebrity couple at war with each other. After escaping the glare of the paparazzi, the two return to their hotel room and Stephen Dorff throws a vase of flowers and Britney’s like, “Stephen Dorff, those were really expensive!” and Stephen Dorff responds with, “I don’t care, Britney Spears!” And then Britney’s like, “Fine, Stephen Dorff. I’m going to go drown myself in the bath tub. BRB!”  Then she does. Britney dies. Or lives. I don’t know. The last shot is of her waking up in the bath tub and being like “Sike, I’m alive!” but I think you can just choose your own adventure with this one. Personally, I like to think that she died and Stephen Dorff killed himself shortly afterward. Not because of Britney’s death but because he’s Stephen Dorff.

15. “My Prerogative”

This cover of the classic Bobby Brown song was the lead single in Britney’s Greatest Hits: My Prerogative compilation. Released not too long after In The Zone, cracks in Britney’s perfect image had begun to appear after she had a shotgun wedding to her childhood best friend in Las Vegas, which was later annulled, and shortly thereafter decided to marry a backup dancer from Fresno, California named Kevin Federline who was expecting a second child with his ex, Shar Jackson. Despite all of the drama, “My Prerogative” shows Britney at her sexiest. She starts the video by crashing her car into a pool and then moves on to rolling around in a bed wearing nothing but a bra and underwear. There’s a lot of gyrating and solo thrusting in this video and it’s hot because Britney’s hot. Really, really hot.

16. “Do Somethin'”

Jesus Christ, this is an insane video. It opens up with Britney driving a pink hummer IN THE SKY with her girlfriends and then cuts to them in some nightclub. There’s also some clips interspersed of Britney looking like she’s having a seizure while clad in a cropped fur vest, bra and underwear. Even more puzzling is the ending which has Britney performing with an all-girl rock band. What? You could just tell she was starting to lose it. This video really set the scene for what was to come.

17. “Someday (I Will Understand)”

You’ve probably never heard of this song or seen the video and for good reason. It appeared as a bonus track on an EP for her reality show, Britney & Kevin: Chaotic—which no one saw and if you did, you should strongly consider repressing the memory because it was so #dark. The song actually isn’t so terrible though. It’s syrupy sweet without giving you diabetes and the video is tastefully done in black and white. For once, Britney doesn’t expose her bellybutton but that’s only because she’s very pregnant and wearing a muumuu.

18. “Gimme More”

Okay, a lot of stuff has gone down since the last video. Here’s a recap: Britney popped out two babies, came to her senses and divorced K-Fed, went to a few rehabs and completed a month at Promises, shaved her head in a Tarzana strip mall, and lost physical custody of her children. She also may or may not have started her Look At My Vagina Tour with Paris Hilton. Now before I critique the worst Britney video of all time, I have to say that Blackout is my favorite Britney record. We’re blissfully spared any ballads and every song is an amazing club banger. It’s seriously too bad she was nuts and couldn’t promote it properly because I think it would’ve sold a bajillion copies. Unfortunately, this pathetic video for “Gimme More” was legit the best she could do. For four painful minutes, she just straddles a stripper pole. I’m not kidding. There are no other location changes. It’s just her behaving like a zombie on a double dose of Xanax, pretending to make love to a pole. It also looks like it was made on a ten dollar budget.

19. “Piece Of Me”

This video is an improvement from “Gimme More” but not by much. There’s some semblance of a plot—imitation Britneys dupe the vicious paparazzi while the real Britney attempts to fight for her independence—but any spark is killed when she’s expected to actually perform. The best she can offer is some light swaying back and forth in a room by herself while she gives the camera dead eyes. You can tell she’s just over everything. She can’t even be bothered to learn a simple dance routine, for god’s sake.

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

Read Here

More From Thought Catalog

  • http://twitter.com/jemmehlee ~ JAMIE (//∇//)

    jeez loading this almost killed my laptop.. 

  • http://twitter.com/iamthe0nly Jordana Bevan

    “everytime” is the only music video i’ve ever purchased. i would loop it and watch and cry and cry and cry. thanks for getting me through age 12 britney xoxox

  • AJ

    8. “Don’t Let Me Be The Last To Know” guy has mantits. It’s amusing to watch him run on a beach with his giant mantits. 

  • Bernard

    WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.

    Where’s ‘Born To Make You Happy’ and ‘Outrageous’ ?!

    • Anonymous

      omg

    • http://twitter.com/PatrishCee patreeeesh

      i love you

    • OMG

      dude outrageous never happened…

    • Michael

      And Overprotected (Darkchild Remix), the much better Overprotected video. The unremixed version was only for Europe or something.

    • http://chrissysprinkles.tumblr.com Christine

      My thoughts exactly.

  • http://twitter.com/emilcDC Emil Caillaux

    That’s it. This is where the rest of my day is going.

    • http://twitter.com/PatrishCee patreeeesh

      so much britney goodness

  • http://twitter.com/tmfoy Theresa M. Foy

    My friends and I once watched every Britney vid in order and concluded with all of her Pepsi commercials.  This really brought me back.

  • http://twitter.com/PatrishCee patreeeesh

    DO NOT LIE you used to think these videos were the shit way back then. 
    … or was that just me?

    • Kasey

      just you.

      • http://twitter.com/PatrishCee patreeeesh

        dammit.

  • http://www.about.me/tanyasalyers Tanya Salyers

    Adrein Grenier was in Crazy?! How did I miss that?!

    • http://www.about.me/tanyasalyers Tanya Salyers

      Adrien*

  • YAY

     I’m so glad I’m not the only one who hates the “Gimme More” video!!! What a letdown :P

    • Carli

      ….I didn’t know there were people who liked it. How could people like that? It is like home video quality….if you know..you had a stripper pole at home. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jesse-Ivers/1341346628 Jesse Ivers

    i liked this a lot but guillermo diaz is definitely not ugly. gosh.

    • http://www.facebook.com/josephlamour Joseph Lamour

      Yeah, seriously.

  • Jess

    Ugh, I just want Ryan O’Connell’s job to review Britney Spears videos. I’m in love with this article/Britney/you

  • http://twitter.com/Amphx AnnamariaPhilippeaux

    I actually can’t believe I watched every video, but I did. It was interesting to watch how her career evolved from the very beginning. Thanks for this, it was fun!

  • KS

    This was ridiculously good. I’m hungover at work and this is the only thing I can read without throwing up at mydesk

  • http://twitter.com/emilcDC Emil Caillaux

    I don’t watch Glee, but the “You Drive Me (Crazy)” vid is giving me a very Glee-ish vibe.  

    Britney was always ahead of the curve, it seems. Likely with one of her kids in the front seat.

  • Sara

    You are missing SEVERAL videos…

  • http://twitter.com/amanda_silvas Amanda Silvas

    Loved Someday. LOVED Chaotic. Anyone else?

  • Guestropod

    as soon as my coffee’s ready I’m sitting down to watch allllllllll of these

    • http://nwairah.tumblr.com/ Nwairah

      It took me over 2 hours to finish them all. (I hate my life)

      Now thanks to Ryan, I’m a Britney fan.

      • Guestropod

        ARGH I’M STILL WORKING ON IT

  • http://www.facebook.com/WildKard13 Anima Del'Eclissi

    is it just me, or did Britney grow into her looks with the last 2 (or 3) videos? she looks sharper, and more human. 

  • Zggrady

    EXCUSE ME!
    YOU FORGOT “BORN TO MAKE YOU HAPPY”

  • http://www.twitter.com/mexifrida Frida

    This is bringing back memories of the Britney: Live in Hawaii DVD i made my parents buy me when I was like 8 years old.
    It had music videos, tour clips, live performances, her SNL appearance..
    Brb, gonna go watch it now.

  • cheeseplatter

    Ryan, you were born to write this.

  • Allegra

    Not to be a stickler but you forgot “Outrageous,” but I loved this nonetheless! Thanks! 

  • http://www.facebook.com/zwwilson Zachary Wilson

    Delicious post Ryan. More attention should be paid to Britney’s pop-world altering video masterpieces.

    A few interesting tidbits, which I (sadly?) didn’t even have to google because I’ve been so obsessed with B since the first time I heard ‘Baby One More Time’ on a Boy Scout bus in the late 90s.

    Britney directed (or maybe officially “co-directed”) the ‘Do Something’ video, so that’s why it’s so bonkers.

    She also won all three VMAs she was nominated for for ‘Piece of Me’ (Best Female Video, Best Pop Video, and Best Video of the Year) even though, as you noted, the video isn’t anything special (though the song is amazing). Just goes to show how much the fans wanted a Britney comeback. Those were also her first VMAs EVER, somehow — she won Best Pop Video again the next year for ‘Womanizer,’ but how this amazing video artist has only two VMA-winning videos is beyond.

    And you left out the video gem that is Born to Make You Happy, which includes more weird ballad choreography a la ‘Sometimes,’ more all-white ensembles, AND a prelude to the red ‘Oops’ catsuit with a shiny red crop top, as well as the UK single “I Love Rock’n’Roll” video that has a black-and-white Britney humping a motorcycle! These truly cannot be missed.

  • http://www.facebook.com/josephbrillantes Joseph Brillantes

     You forgot the Overprotected (Darkchild remix) video! :p Brit was great in that.

  • Carli

    Does Thought Catalog give out awards? Because this article DEFINITELY, without-a-doubt deserves one. I love many articles on this site, but this one, had me laughing out loud, very loudly, at work. Thanks Ryan for this piece of amazingness. Too funny. Too awesome. Ahh. My life is complete now that this article is in it.

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