A Letter To My Boner

Hey Boner,

Where U at? JK, don’t come out. I’m at work and I really can’t deal with your presence in front of my co-workers. Sometimes you like to stop by at 2:30 in the afternoon when I’m in the middle of writing and it’s so freaking rude. Do you see me showing up to YOUR work at The Boner Factory and being like, “Peek-a-boo! I’m here!”? No, you don’t. Because I’m a good owner!

Oops, sorry to get all aggro at you. I love you, boner! You make it possible for me to have sex and receive blowjays and stuff. And sometimes, when you’re really excelling at your job, you make my penis look GREAT. Seriously, A+ work, boner beb. I get so sad when you leave me sometimes.

I’ll be honest with you though. There are some things I’ve had to get off my chest and my therapist suggests I deal with the issues I have with you in a letter. So here it goes. Remember that I love you always and forever. DON’T EVER LEAVE ME, YA HEAR? I don’t want to have to take Viagra.

Sometimes I feel like you show up at the most inopportune moments (when I’m working or trying to get my pee on) and it’s really frustrating. Like this one time I was wearing tight black shorts at my grandmother’s house and my hand kept rubbing up against your little brother, Flaccid, on accident. Then, all of a sudden, you just kick Flaccid out and move on in! Yeah, that’s right. I started to get a boner while talking to my GRANDMA. Were you just trying to punk me? I don’t get it. Your behavior was super hurtful. You knew I was with my grandma and you were just like, “whatevs, playas gon’ play.” WHAT ABOUT MY FEELINGS?

Then, when I’m hooking up with a boy and really need you to be the best boner you can be, you don’t show up! Okay, fine, you’ve only not shown up twice, and it was sort of my fault because I was drunk. But imagine the shame I felt trying to explain to my partner why you weren’t coming when his boner showed up for him and he was just as drunk, if not more, so what’s the deal? Were you slacking? Were you playing the XBox when I was hooking up? I swear, in that moment, I really just wanted to fire your lazy ass and get a new boner. I understand that’s not physically possible to receive a new erection but if it was, I would’ve done it. You show up for my grandma but not for some hot French dude with a huge dick? Your priorities are screwed!

Okay, deep breaths. I’m trying to get to a place of Yes with you, dear boner, and not dwell on the negatives. You ARE good to me, baby. I know that. You just make loving you hard sometimes.

I feel like we need to re-connect and do some healing together. I’m at work right now but with the proper finagling, I think I can meet you on my lunch break. See you in five? TC mark

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

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