5 Terrible Things That Can Happen When You’re Drunk On The Internet

1. Online shopping

When I’m drunk, an Internet connection can be more dangerous than a cell phone because there are just so many opportunities to shame spiral. Online shopping is a particularly shameful drunk activity because it a) hurts my wallet. and b) ends with me buying the weirdest, most useless crap. And it’s not just limited to clothes and accessories either. One time, when I came home wasted, I felt so much guilt about my  unhealthy lifestyle that I decided to spend $250 on a BS juice cleanse. The next morning I woke up with not only a terrible hangover but a paltry balance in my bank account, although I’m not quite sure what was worse: Being $250 poorer or realizing that I had just committed to starving myself for three days.

2. Seamless Web

After 11 PM, Seamless Web just needs to become blocked on my Internet browser. If I try to access it, Wayne Knight’s character in Jurassic Park should appear with his finger wagging, going, “Nuh-uh-uh, nuh-uh-uh.” If you looked at my order history and paid attention to the times, you would notice a steep drop in healthiness during after-hours. “2 PM:  Garden salad. 1 AM: Chicken parm sandwich!”  If the latter Seamless Web order could talk, it would probably say something like, “Are you sure about this, honey? You can back away and  I’ll never mention this again.”

3. Facebook Chat

Facebook is the root of most of my shame, whether I’m sober or not. But when I’m drunk, things can get cringeworthy fast. I’ll go on Facebook chat — an invasive feature that’s seemingly only meant to annoy people — and talk to the most random people. “OMG, hey best friend from Kindergarten. HOW IS LIFE? I CARE SO MUCH ALL OF A SUDDEN. TELL ME EVERYTHING!” Keep in mind that when I’m sober, I look at my best friend from Kindergarten on FB chat and think to myself, “LOL, no.” But alcohol mixed with boredom erases that logical “No.” and replaces it with a “OMG, I wonder how they’re doing. We had such good times playing in the sandbox!” Waking up the next day and looking at the embarrassing chat history from the night before is one of my least favorite things on planet Earth. It’s almost enough to make me delete my Facebook. Almost…

4. Tweeting

Twitter can be a dangerous weapon if you’re wasted and should only be used if you’re of sober mind and body. Otherwise, you risk tweeting things to your ex like, “Hey, remember when you told me you would love me forever? LOL. You’re such a comedian. I’m NEVER going to #FollowFriday your lying, cheating a” Oops, you’ve ran out of room to finish your thought but you send it anyway. Then you write a follow up tweet, “Ass! Lying, cheating ass is what I meant to tweet.  Screw these 140 character limits. My rage cannot be held down!” I’ve never done something that crazy but I have sent some #dark DM’s and harassed Lindsay Lohan.

5. Gmail

STEP AWAY FROM THE GMAIL. I REPEAT, STEP AWAY FROM THE GMAIL! Nothing good ever comes from sending a late night wasted email. If you’re writing someone at 2 AM, chances are it’s either to confess your undying love or hate — both of which are fine but should be attempted at a more sober hour. The worst part is when you press “Send” and you have those three seconds to undo your mistake. You realize immediately that what you did was wrong but you can’t press “Undo” fast enough so you’re just stuck with it. If I ever get an email sent late at night, I just want to write them back, without even reading it, “Oh girl, are you sure want me to read this? I can delete it now but it’d have to be your Christmas present. Let me know!” Yeah right, though. Like I could ever not read an email sent to me during the wee hours of the morning. That stuff is pure gold. TC mark

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

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  • http://twitter.com/emilcDC Emil Caillaux

    Set up Mail Goggles on Gmail Labs – it’s a blessing.

  • Pickapeppajones

    none of this is all that terrible

  • http://raymondthimmes.com/ Raymond Thimmes

    I am currently in the pre-development stages of an app that blocks, or queue’s, all social networking and email interactions on all your devices between the hours of 10 pm and 8 am. I have decided to include the Wayne Knight’s character in Jurassic Park should appear with his finger wagging, going, “Nuh-uh-uh, nuh-uh-uh” as the graphic associated with a successful “idiot post” block.

    You are a genius.

    • Comic Insult

      This has been done – Gmail’s “Goggles” setting is meant to prevent drunken emails by “locking” one’s account during hours (ie, late-night) when people are most likely to be drunk – the feature is unlockable by the completion of a simple math equation that is easy to solve soberly but would stump/deter a sauced individual.

      • guest

        yeah ok it solves the gmail aspect but what about my twitter and facebook!?

  • http://www.trans-parents-y.com/ Zipporah Bird

    My worst drunk online experience (it was mostly from 10G of Ambien) was purchasing 23 world music CD’s on Amazon for my four year old’s multicultural birthday party.  

  • Anonymous

    i’m a bit disappointed at this article, that had a huge lot of potential.
    i think whatsapp or sms’s in general are nowadays  something someone absolutely has to stay away from.
    usually -even me when i’m drunk- people start sending all sorts of texts to all the female contacts on the phone or, happens often as well, sending them nude or penis pictures ..

    • nikki

      what kind of people have you in their phone book…

      • Anonymous

         the same kind of people that you have. just random~
        it’s not something that depends on your contacts, but on how much you’re dangerous after you drink!

  • Sakshisail

    Text messages, bbm, whatsapp? They are the most easily accessible communication modes. Chances are that an out-of-the-head drunk person wont even be able to reach his laptop. Talking of phone internet, it can never be up and beyond bbm and whatsapp.  Even calling someone with a drunk head is an averagely characteristic thing to do.  Mobile Phone’s deserves  a number 1 !!

  • Sakshisail

    *phones

  • Charley

     Seems ‘hangover’ is now the status quo. And I thot it was innapropriate to allow yourself get drunk in the first place.

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