Types Of Food I Always Regret Eating

Most things served at a chain restaurant

I was born in California which means I was raised on a steady diet of sunshine, sandy beaches, and massive portions of food served in a chain restaurant that was most likely located inside of a mall. Californians didn’t view places like P.F. Changs and The Olive Garden as being kitschy and ironic. They were actually just good places to eat. I carried this belief over with me to the East Coast and as a result, I can’t go a month without dining in some airy, expansive chain restaurant in Midtown that offers Kirstie Alley quantities of food. Screw this trend of bougie comfort food. I’ll take cheddar biscuits over $8 gourmet ice cream sandwiches any day!  That being said, I’m not particularly proud of my fondness for trashy food. Going to a chain restaurant initially fills my heart with joy but when the experience ends, I’m hurting bad. It feels like someone just took a steaming dump inside of my stomach and threw in some knives while they were at it. “I wish I could quit you,” I often whisper to myself as I enter the doors of a place like California Pizza Kitchen. But I can’t. I’m an abused lover just looking for their next hit of ranch dressing.

Chips and guacamole

My love for chips and guacamole knows no bounds but gosh darn it if it hasn’t burned me in the past! The thing with chips and dip is that your body doesn’t send the “I’m full!”  memo to your brain until it’s too late. You go from fiesta avocado euphoria to debilitating stomach pain and shame in one single bite. I seriously wish there was an app that could tell you when to stop eating so as to avoid all of this darkness. But would we stop even then? If we had something that told us, “No, seriously. Stop eating chips and guac or else you’re going to regret it…” we’d probably throw our phone against the wall and watch it smash into a million pieces as we gleefully shoved some more food into our mouths.

My roommate’s

I never quite understood how roommates could just steal each other’s food like it was NBD. Hello, they’re going to notice and you’re going to become the recipient of a passive aggressive handwritten note! Besides, who steals food?! Who does that?! Then I discovered, after moving in with my BFF last year, that I do that. I’m a roommate food stealer. In my defense, it usually happens when I’m drunk or on Ambien but I realize that it’s still not an excuse. My roommate will wake up the next day, excited to eat her leftovers at work that day, only to discover that they’re gone. Perished! I usually feel so guilty afterward that I take her out to a nice dinner but I still don’t think that makes us even. God, I’m a terrible person!

Second helpings

Unless you’re having a tangerine for dinner, your body rarely needs second helpings of anything. You’re full after the first round. You just gotta wait for the food to settle. I know all of this intellectually but I still can’t resist rolling up to the pot of leftover warm pasta and eating it out with a spoon. I sincerely believe that by refusing to put the food on my plate, I’ll eat less of it but it’s not true. I’m that freak standing over the pot alone in my kitchen, shoveling the remnants in my mouth until what was going to be lunch the next day is now just my second dinner.

That extra cup of coffee

No one needs that extra cup of coffee. It will give you cracked out energy for 30 minutes and smelly poop and coffee breath for the next 8 hours.

Drunk food

I know you’re wasted and hallucinating slices of pizza but just eat some bread when you get home and pass out. Because if you eat something at 4 AM, you’ll wake up hungover five hours later and feel like you have a bowling ball in your stomach. Being uncomfortably full at 9am while also tackling a hangover is the antithesis of fun. It feels disgusting. So just close your eyes and resist opening the fridge. You’ll pass out instantly and wake up feeling famished. It’ll be great. TC mark

image – Ari Helminen

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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More From Thought Catalog

  • http://twitter.com/emilcDC Emil Caillaux

    #1, #2 and #6 are basically the definition of Chipotle.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=506498512 Leah Cox

    Second helpings. Standing over a saucepan eating left over warm pasta with a spoon is my life. 

  • Guestropod

    I like eating leftovers with my hands while leaning over inside the fridge

  • danielle

    when I’m drunk I eat a shit load of stuff and wake up hungry. It’s like there’s a hole in my stomach. 
    there must be something wrong with me for not feeling full like you

    and about the roommate one… same. and eat & drink all my housemates stuff (and I’m girl, what makes it worse)

  • http://iwanttheseshoes.blogspot.com Olivia Moore

    lmfao. I’m ashamed of my love for bad food, too. I just can’t help it. I come from Florida where the only thing that can be considered homemade is the BBQ, and that can’t be healthy. Come to NY and if I ever had a THOUGHT about Olive Garden I’d be shot.

  • FL Girl

    Ahhhh too funny. I can relate to every single one of these. Brilliant 

  • Olaolia

    thought catalog is going down the drain. yesterday i read about shitting out your tampon, today i read about  smelly poop caused by too much coffee. by no means do i expect this website to be a shrine of high-end literature, but i remember times when the articles were a bit more than some pointless rambles, more and more often having to do with feces, sperm, puke or anal sex.

    • Mila Jaroniec

      Maybe if you had bothered to read any OTHER articles on this site you wouldn’t have felt the need to post this ignorant comment.

      • Olaolia

         just as you are entitled to your opinion about my comment being ignorant, i’m entitled to mine about this article.

      • Gmo Saza

        And I opine that you guys both indulge in anal sex on occasion.  That’s life for ya.

    • Dls

      Your comment gave me the giggles.

    • Justsayin'

      Take a chill pill, bro, it’s just for fun.

  • Rebecca Chan

    your eating habit is a result of youth and how you were brought up, not the fact that you are from california.  and when you moved to nyc, you were in your young adulthood, a time when most people become hyperconscious of their consumption of goods.

    • rae

      #deep 

  • Kristin

    Clearly you weren’t a Californian with a refined palate.  Your generalizations and taste buds are boring.

    • Alyssa

      Was that a serious comment? What?

      • mieke

        lulz. kristen is delusional. even the richest bitches with experienced palates i know love chain restaurant food.

    • Justsayin'

       SNOB ALERT lolz

  • E

    shm at this article. #sodeep

  • Brononymous

    I still luv u ryry

  • Christopher

    I laughed really hard at all of this.  It is all too true.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000127422406 Kat Lawson

    If it’s any consolation, avocado is a good fat, and generally guacamole is great for you. And tortilla chips aren’t half bad either. When it comes to munchies you could do way worse.

  • KC

    Drunk food makes you feel better in the morning. One slice of pizza never hurt anyone. And this is NYC! We have the best pizza on the planet!

  • Kirsten

    Ryan, you are my favorite blogger ever. Seriously I start acting like a crack fiend if I go too long without reading something by you.

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    Types Of Food I Always Regret Eating | Thought Catalog

  • http://www.theskinnybreezy.com/2015/03/27/regrets-the-food-i-always-regret-eating/ Regrets: The Food I Always Regret Eating | The Skinny Breezy

    […] Inspired by an article from Thought Catalog. […]

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