Things I Wish I Could Write On Your Facebook Wall

Hey babe! Remember when we lost our virginities to each other? And I licked your balls and ass and whatever else I could lick on your body? I think you even peed on me once in the shower. Anyway, just wanted to say that I love the new profile pic! Let’s do lunch sometime soon! xx

WHAT’S UP?! I was just thinking about the time we were best friends for eight years until we had a terrible falling out. We saw each other through everything: break ups, sickness, and loss, and now I just get to know when you’re checking in to places on FourSquare. Ain’t life a cruel bitch? I would say “Let’s do lunch!” but let’s be real: that’d be one depressing lunch.

Who are you? Did we do coke together once in college?

You have a small penis.

You have a big penis.

I would LOVE to see your penis someday.

“OMG, I love when you post pictures of the food you made for dinner!” — Things No One Thinks When They Look At Your Facebook Photos

We don’t know each other. I just added you because I heard you were a trainwreck and your status updates were AMAZING. Please don’t disappoint.

You’re my best friend’s uncle. Why the hell did you friend request me? More importantly, why did I accept?

I am envious of your career and overall life. Your status updates make me want to die a little bit.

OH HAI, BEST FRIEND FROM 2ND GRADE. You got fat.

You’ve been ignoring my texts for three weeks which means you probably don’t like me. That’s fine, I totally get it. I just think your Facebook friends deserve to know that you’re a person who doesn’t return texts. Did you get that, Facebook friends? Is this thing on?

I don’t really know you but I really appreciate that one night you took care of me when I was vomiting. You seem like a really good person.

You were a terrible roommate. You always clogged the toilet and left strands of your hair everywhere. YOU OWE ME $350, BITCH!

I thought I deleted you. HOW DID YOU GET BACK IN HERE? Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

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