Nothing Good Ever Happens After 4 A.M.

We’ve all been here before. We’ve all had a great night out that we didn’t want to end so we ignored our instincts and stayed put. We wanted to see if things could get any better, if things could get any more epic. We didn’t want to miss out on anything and weren’t ready to deal with the crash so we kept the night going past 4 a.m.

Big mistake. The biggest.


BECAUSE NOTHING GOOD EVER HAPPENS AFTER 4 A.M. I mean maybe it does when you’re in high school and things don’t have the ability to stick to you quite yet. You can just wash away a long night with a warm shower and feel good as new afterward. And maybe there was even the occasional all-nighter in college that didn’t quite kill you, that left you feeling like bursts of electricity had been running through your body and oh my god you’re so young and THIS is what life is all about: watching the sun rise and coming off all these foreign chemicals with people you love.

But there comes a point when the good becomes bad, when watching the sun rise makes you feel like death and full of anxiety, when the altered state you’re in gives you the kind of hangover that leaves you feeling not quite right for days, when you wish you had listened to your instincts and gone home when things were still going well. Knowing when to go home is an art you perfect over the years. You learn that in almost all situations, it’s better to leave wanting more. Because with every Great Epic Night, there comes a crash. And you can almost guarantee that crash will occur after 4 a.m.

Let me a paint a picture of life after 4 a.m. So you’re having a night that’s going amazingly well. Everyone’s on the same “Let’s go crazy and have fun!” page. The stars have aligned for you to have a truly special night. Then the bar closes at 4 a.m. and you have to make that crucial decision about whether or not to keep it going or to retire and leave things on a good note.

You decide to keep the party going.

So you go back to your friend’s house and the second you enter, you kind of regret it. You know that by entering, you’re committing to watching a sunrise and that could just be too much for your little heart and body to handle. But it’s too late to turn back now so you enter with high hopes and pray your instincts were wrong. Who knows, this could get even more fun… at 5 a.m. You never know! Because it’s just so fun when you just keep drinking! Oh yeah, it’s so fun! That drink at 5 a.m. has the same shine and sparkle as the one you had at midnight! Sure! Why not?

All of a sudden you look around the room and feel the crash start to take place. Everyone’s faces begin to look like puffy marshmallows and the conversations that are happening aren’t exactly stimulating or coherent. Everyone is fading fast. The moment when you’re having THE BEST TIME EVER is often two seconds away from the moment when everyone wants to curl up and die. Blink and it’s switched. Go to the bathroom and come out to find a party full of dead people!

The night quickly takes on a heavy depressing feel and the energy seems to have been completely sucked out of the room. People’s bodies are beginning to deflate on the floor. It’s time for you to go. It was time for you to go at 4 a.m. but now it’s REALLY time for you to get out of dodge.

The pretty becomes ugly. The youthful becomes tired. 4 a.m. became the sun in your wincing eyes.

Next time, just go home. Go home to your warm bed and feel lucky you didn’t go to the after party and feel stuck and anxious. Feel lucky to have missed out on life after 4 a.m. TC mark

image – George M. Groutas

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.


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    Wait, this isn’t that episode of HIMYM.

    • JEReich

      I believe that episode is titled “Nothing Good Ever Happens After 2AM”.  In any case, good article.

    • Ryan O'Connell

      I’ve never seen HIMYM. Obsessed.

      • Elliott

         …just how Suzanne Collins never heard of Battle Royale

      • Ryan O'Connell

        Yes. You’re absolutely correct! I’m not able to admit if I took an idea I saw on a network TV show and commented on it in a pithy blog post.  YOU’VE FOUND ME OUT.

      • Elliott

         lol, ouch

      • h-may


  • Kelsey_Kixx

    This is too fucking true

  • Gmo Saza

    Inspired by true events… and by How I Met Your Mother.

  • Alexander Cohen

    I think you’re partying wrong…

  • Tomi van Cafferata

    no way, i have great stories after 4am. no one ever looks back on their life and remembers the nights they had plenty of sleep.

  • Ravynevermore

    I used to be a major party girl who lived for the nightlife. I became convinced that the hours between 3am and 5am were suspended in a time portal to an alternate universe – one where everyone was beautiful and fascinating; intentions were pure and there was no such thing as “too much”. No matter where I was or how many people were with me, I could always recall the conversations, interactions and locations we visited in the hours leading up to that “back hole” and I would be (often painfully) aware of what occurred afterwards, however, any recollections from the intervening hours seemed so surreal, I would dismiss them. I could never find evidence of any activities that might have taken place and could not locate reliable witnesses to recount  the events.  Now matter how vigilant I was, my determination to remain conscious and in control of what was happening, as 3am approached somehow the time would evaporate and next thing I knew the sun would be rising. I  had plenty of cohorts and partners-in-crime who shared my conviction that whatever took place in the twilight zone that engulfed us as last call approached would never be discussed and required no apologies. I wish I had heard this truism back then. It took a long time to realize that there was nothing supernatural about the missing hours. You make such good argument that nothing good ever happens after 4am (or in my case 3) I am grateful for the amnesia – and the friends who never filled in the blanks.    

  • Anonymous

    Not true. Once I got a blowjob after 4 AM. He even stayed to cuddle.

  • maybelater

    oh and you didnt even go into the bad, awful decisions that our brain enjoys taking after the bar closes. from sleeping with an ex or 2 to fighting with your bff for no apparent reason to really just hating yourself for everything youve ever done.

  • Ashleigh

    Let’s be honest, 4am should be 2am. HIMYM got it right. 2am is the magic number, and you can still wake up early enough for brunch!

  • Gregory Costa

    You’re all lazy, disgusting people.  The day ends at 11 PM and toil begins at 5:30 am.  No exceptions!

  • hATER

    YOUR A FUCKIN FAGGOT, end of story, NO FUCKIN SHIT NOTHING HAPPENS AFTER 4 AM fuck you, you faggot!

    • Carly

      Well, aren’t you a disgusting pig! Next time you feel like writing, speaking — anything that involves voicing your opinions, basically — do us all a favor and just don’t. It’s sad that you feel the need to try to bring someone down (and unsuccessfully I’m sure, because from his writing I get the feeling that Ryan is too much of a badass to let you affect him whatsoever) just because you’re so pathetic. Only simple-minded, sad little people use the words you just used. Poor you.


    “But there comes a point when the good becomes bad, when watching the sun rise makes you feel like death and full of anxiety, when the altered state you’re in gives you the kind of hangover that leaves you feeling not quite right for days, when you wish you had listened to your instincts and gone home when things were still going well.”
    whoa. i’ve been keeping nights going past 4 am waaaay too much lately and yeah, feel terrible and weird for days. thanks for this.

  • Frida

    Ugh it’s 5:11am 

  • Rett Marie

    You, sir/maam, are just jealous of our youth. #4ampartyrocking 

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