Instructions On How To Live A Happier Life

Walk with purpose down a busy street listening to Robyn’s “Dancing On My Own.” Imagine your life to be a movie starring Emily Blunt about someone who’s just trying to make it work, damn it! With every step you take, you are gaining strength and power over your crazy life. I’m in the corner watching you kiss her. SCREW YOU, EX BOYFRIEND! I’M GETTING A DOG SOON! I’m just gonna dance all night. YEP, I AM. JUST WATCH ME. I’M ACTUALLY DOING A HALF-DANCE RIGHT NOW ON THE WAY TO WORK AND THE FALAFEL VENDOR GUY IS GIVING ME WEIRD LOOKS BUT HE’S JUST JEALOUS. I’m not the girl you’re taking home. I’M THE GIRL YOU MARRY AND BUY AN APARTMENT WITH, DUH! (Look, I know this sounds crazy but just try it. Pop music saves lives, y’all!)

Invite a friend over on a rainy Sunday night and order an amount of food that would give Mary-Kate Olsen diabetes. Light candles, play your iPod, watch TV, let the couch swallow the both of you up, and GOSSIP. Tell stories about friends, relationships, jobs, and parents. It will feel like a cleanse of all the awful things you’ve been carrying around with you and you’ll leave the conversation feeling ten pounds lighter. (Emotionally, that is. Physically, you’ll definitely be fatter.)

Do a social networking cleanse. Delete your ex, delete anyone you don’t know IRL, even delete your mom. Every time you click “Unfollow” or “Remove from friends,”  let out an audible moan and start twitching. It’s preferable if you do this in a public place like a coffee shop so people know just how happy you are.

Prank call your boss and say that you’re from the Labor Commission, investigating the plights of underpaid twentysomethings. “Buy your employees a pony, or else you’ll be arrested for being a d-bag!” Then order your boss to send all of you to a wellness center called Puling The Trigger that offers massages, horseback riding, and prostitutes for the average overworked, undersexed and underpaid American.

Call your parents and be like “OMG, I’m making six figures now! My boss is sending me to Portugal to experience life for free!” Watch them respond excitedly, “Really?!” and shout back, “No! Can I have ten dollars?” It’ll be funny and make you laugh which, in turn, will make you happier.

Read an issue of The New Yorker from start to finish and be like “Yep. I’m done for the year. Back to looking at pictures of Miley Cyrus’ sideboob.” Doing smart things will inflate your confidence and flood you with temporary feelings of contentment. Just do it.

Get to know your genitalia very intimately. Don’t ignore it.  Imagine your penis or vagina to be a demanding diva who likes to scream, “AM I BEING HEARD?!” at you.  Spend time with it. Get to know its wants and desires. Take it horseback riding. Make sure it’s satisfied. Otherwise, it will make your life a living hell.

If all of this fails, take whatever the doctor prescribes you. And then double it. TC mark

Image – kirinqueen

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

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  • Nishant

    Hey, I don’t know if it matters what I say on this topic here but here goes. I really like your writing and your videos are great. But please, stop writing articles about what you think people need to do to be happy and how they can fast-track their way to a blessed life and find their true love and approach nirvana all in one mighty explosion of orgasm! It’s getting to the point where I see the title and know if it’s a Ryan O’Connell article. And not in the good way. Once again, just a sincere request. I’m sure you have a lot more to say about OTHER things.

    • Nishant

      As I read this, I realize that beautiful as it sounds, “explosion of orgasm” doesn’t really mean much. :/

      • http://twitter.com/philosolaktor Lakshitha

        Why does it matter if he writes articles like this? It gives us a laugh and it makes people happy. You didn’t even state a reason.. I’m confused. Just don’t read em if you don’t want to. 

      • http://twitter.com/philosolaktor Lakshitha

        Oops I replied to the wrong comment. Damnit.

      • Nishant

        Fair point. My reason is that while I see one or two or three articles from one person about the same subject (finding happiness, in this case), I like it. I read them because they will be fresh and because they will be honest (not saying this isn’t, just that those definitely will be). But, in my opinion, Ryan’s consistent writings on the same thing make the originality and honesty of his other posts contentious. This smells of pandering. I would love to hear what he has to say about OTHER THINGS. I don’t see why all his thoughts are on the same subject, day after day. No offense is meant in my original comment. I hope it does not sound that way.

      • http://twitter.com/philosolaktor Lakshitha

        Right, but maybe it’s because a lot of people (including himself, maybe?) need some positive reinforcement generally in life, because of life being shitty? I know I feel a lot better knowing there are people out there who are writing stuff like this and spreading things that make me smile after a horrible day. I get your point and all, but I mean, he’s not writing some negative b.s. right, so why complain? 

      • Nishant

        Again, I like reading what he writes. What I ask is for him to write on another topic, so I would have something fresh to read from him. And it wouldn’t sound like all the same stuff about all the same things. I understand your point too, but if there is such a thing as a “good complaint”, THAT’S all I’m making here. 

      • http://twitter.com/philosolaktor Lakshitha

        Haha. You worry too much. I get what you mean. Just don’t tell him to stop writing happy things cause I need them too much. Heh.

      • Nishant

        Ryan. Are you watching this? This should be very, very flattering. Please talk about something else. ALSO. :)

      • http://twitter.com/philosolaktor Lakshitha

        I’m gonna go listen to Dancing On My Own. 

    • A 20something year old

      ^^^ This person needs a large print of this article to read every day 

      • Nishant

        Hahaha! :P

    • Mata Hari

      Not sure if you’ve noticed but Ryan has almost 170 pages of articles, and I’m sure that the vast majority are not on this topic. Maybe you just find yourself always reading the how to be happier articles because you’re so sad from not fully exploring the world of Ryan O’Connell. HATERS GONNA HATE.

      xoxo
      angsty teenage girl with a point and an internet crush on ryan

      • Nishant

        You didn’t have to say angsty teenage girl. That point was sufficiently well put across by the fact that you took me for a hater. Clearly you only read what you want to read and say whatever you want to say.

  • Jackie20Smith

    Happier and 10 pounds lighter? “Emotionally, that is. Physically, you’ll definitely be fatter”? Story of my liiiffffe.

  • CW

    I can’t even tell you how many times Dancing on my Own has single-handedly saved my life.

  • Guest

    Love love love you Ryan O’Connell. I don’t care if people don’t fancy your articles. I relate to 95% of them and they cheer me up, so keep ’em coming!

  • Sara


    OMG, I’m making six figures now! My boss is sending me to Portugal to experience life for free!” As a Portuguese person this is really made me laugh :)

    • future gopher

      you’re grammer/speling makes me laff too ;p

      • zlady6

        rude. also, **your

      • clee

        Really? *grammar *spelling *laugh

    • yeah

      As a Portuguese person… I had no idea you could be mistaken as Portuguese something else.. cat perhaps?

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=13003781 Jacqueline Rae Shuman

    God this is amazing.

  • angela a

    i love you, ryan! 

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