How To Be A Jealous Person

Be paranoid. Have an irrational fear that everyone you’ve ever loved and cared for will get up and leave you one day. Just one big mass exodus from your life. As a result, start to become possessive with your relationships. Mark your territory, let it be known that you were here first, and try to keep your circles separate. In a sense, feel like you own stock in a person. You have royalties. Worry that your friends will start having relationships with each other that don’t include you. Feel like this is an attack on your character and must mean that you’re losing them. Always feel like your friends don’t like you as much as they say they do. Be frantic. Exert control. Always feel a slight sense of panic.

Be fundamentally unhappy with who you are. Convince yourself that if you were thinner, smarter, had your dream job already, and a perfect relationship, things would be so much better. You’d be happy. What you’re dealing with now is just circumstantial unhappiness! When you get X, Y, and Z together, everything will be okay. You’ll be okay. Fail to realize that it won’t change a thing. Once the pieces of your puzzle come together, another corner immediately breaks off and you’re back at square one. It has nothing to do with X, Y, and Z. It’s all about Y-O-U.

Compare yourself to others. Use their development as a marker for your own. If So-And-So is in a great relationship, you should too! Look at everyone around you and be consumed with envy. Sit still. Never understand that jealousy is a useless emotion. It rarely motivates you to change anything about your life. If anything, it pushes you further down the rabbit hole. Instead of focusing on your own life, you use the lives of your peers as a reflection. This is a foolish game because when you’re constantly looking at others and not yourself, you’re leaving your own growth and potential to be successful unattended. And then the cycle continues…

Find it hard to be happy for other people. When your friend tells you, “I got a promotion at work!”, all you hear is “YOU didn’t get a promotion at work but I did. I’m figuring this life thing out faster than you are.” It all goes back to you, your wants and needs not being fulfilled. Jealous people are an interesting combination of crippling insecurity and utter self-absorption.

Find yourself getting into the same “High school rollercoaster” types of relationships over and over again. The kind of relationship where you measure love and caring with how territorial your significant other is. You’re jealous of your BF/GF talking to a cute person because you love them, right? Because wanting someone all to yourself is like the truest sign of love. It has nothing to do with your own fear of abandonment.

Want to be someone else. Because that’d fix everything, because that would make you feel more secure. That’d quiet the noise. TC mark

image – Wikipedia

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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  • Alexander Cohen

    Someone has been reading my diary!

  • Veronica

    I’ve only read the first paragraph and it’s ME. This terrifies me. 

  • Anonymous

    I’ve got this down.

  • Anonymous

    I know this so well.  Heck, even though I realized it long ago I’m still fighting against that jealousy and hate that wants to bubble up inside me.  I constantly have to tell myself to be happy for people and to be happy in my own achievements that I’ve made myself because no two people are the same.  I may look at those people and say “Wow, they’ve come so far”, but what I’ve realized is “So have I”.  Jealousy really does suck, but if it’s acknowledged and something is done about it then things get better.  At least, in my situation anyway.

  • http://www.facebook.com/RebelInDisguise Tanya Turner Rao

    Its horrifyingly true! Help!

  • Domino

    I kinda hate myself after reading this. 

  • Celia Noel

    I loved this article. And subsequently hated myself. Ryan, you slay me. (In a good way!)

  • Guest

    The best part is when the acting out of jealousy actually affirms your fears, because you’re so crazy that you’ve pushed everyone away. But, you can always rationalize it by telling yourself that they were never really a ‘good’ friend and they were only using you and never cared about you anyway. Their loss, right? 

    • http://twitter.com/holydances lээ †

      too true, too true.

  • btst

    f**k! how horrible I am..
    I… I… am gonna go log on facebook and wallow in my own self-loathing a little more…

    • Jake

      I wanna deck every guy who interacts with my girlfriend on facebook.

  • PWK

    I think I need a therapist…

  • Guest

    GET OUT OF MY BRAIN RIGHT MEOW!

  • Gary

    Back to writing these turd articles again eh Ryan? You were doing alright for a little bit…

    • Bealtaine6

      *dislike*

    • _____

      looks like someone’s jealous…

  • Goosey

    I relate. SO much.

  • http://yoursinelectrons.tumblr.com/ Anne Kowalski

    It was interesting to see how this was so me and then about halfway through was where I stopped relating and realized that it was partially because that was where I stopped being so jealous.

  • hrfe

    Regarding the first paragraph: I have, in fact, experienced a mass-Exodus of friends. Therefore if I worry about it happening again am I a jealous person?

    • Guest

      either they’re bitches, or you are. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

    Greg Costa be jealous of another human being?  Hah.  Why, that would be less of a human and more of a…god!

  • http://www.facebook.com/summer.gillen Summer Gillen

    This is where I am right now. I am open and honest about how much of a jealous freak I am and when I see people interacting I didn’t know had formed I relationship outside of their mutual love of ME, I consequently freak out and ask them what the hell they think they are doing. Moving thousands of miles away really helped my controlling nature. And by “helped” I mean “magnified.” Great piece. 

  • Bealtaine6

    That last line was really powerful(?)(not quite the word I want but basically what I mean). Nice job :)

  • guest

    Can someone please write “How To NOT Be A Jealous Person?”

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1271070228 Megan Nicole

    The last line…. If only…

  • _____

    Hmm. I’ve realized all of this stuff about myself and totally related. I’ve recognized that i have that “interesting combination of crippling insecurity and utter self-absorption” but never thought that that mindset was jealously. i’m not saying it’s not, but ‘jealous’ was a word that had just never crossed my mind.

    • Cass

      I completely agree. I feel like this article was written for me. It makes me so sad and upset with myself but definitely makes me want to change. Thank you Ryan, amazing article

  • Guest

    Reading this article  made me jealous of people who aren’t jealous. And so the cycle continues…

  • Alejandraa

    Mhm this made me cry a bit at seeing this from an outside point of view.

  • Charlotte

    I needed to read this. And instead of feeling depressed and full of self-loathing, I feel uplifted. Thanks.

  • Lak

    This is me in a nutshell, specifically over the last two months but generally as far back as I can remember, this is me. It makes me sad to realize it, but at least I have now. And thank God I’m not the only one. Woo.

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