1. The “I’m so bored” Sex
“I’m so bored” sex usually occurs in the afternoon around 3 o’clock on a weekend. It’s employed to spice up an otherwise mundane day but the results can often be mixed. The sex can either take an unexpected turn for the kinky (boredom can implore you to do strange things, remember?). Think dirty talk, roleplay, and entering positions, as Parker Posey in Best In Show once said, that aren’t comfortable for you emotionally. Or the sex could just end up being really, really boring. The day matches your uninspired mood and you end up spending so much time just trying to get the sex off the ground but it won’t budge. “I’m so bored” sex can usually only happen between couples. If it’s happening between you and a random, you should consider picking up a hobby.
2. The “I love you so much, beb” Sex
“I love you so much, beb” sex is a great way to convey the strong feelings you have for your partner and/or earn major blowjob points. Better than any gift of chocolate or flowers, the goal of this sex is to have your BF/GF walk away thinking, “GODDAMN, I AM LOVED!” This means taking your time and treating their body like it’s the Hope Diamond. You want to shake them to their core, and have them feel so connected to you that they just might pop like a cherry tomato. A post-coital cigarette coupled with a life-affirming solitary tear is highly recommended.
3. The “I hate myself” sex
“I hate myself” sex happens more often than anyone would like to admit and is most prevalent during someone’s college years and mid to late-twenties. The following people are perfect candidates for this type of sex: your ex, an unattractive stranger you met at a bar, your cab driver, your best friend’s significant other, a musician in an indie rock buzz band, a misogynist, and somebody’s husband/wife. The goal of this sex is to feel like absolute scum afterward. You can expect to retreat into a gnarly shame spiral, only to reemerge when you feel like you’ve sufficiently punished yourself. “I hate myself” sex is all about taking an act that you associate with warm and fuzzies and making into the most ugly, soulless thing imaginable. The only way to stop this kind of sex is to, you know, love yourself but that’s really hard to do when you’re 24 and paying off student loans.
4. The “I don’t care about you so byeeeee” sex
“I don’t care about you so byeeeeee” sex can actually be really fun. It usually happens with someone who’s a decent person but you’re just not that emotionally invested. There’s a basic level of respect but you could never fall in love with them, so it’s kind of liberating. You can have mindless, great sex and not feel the need to kick them out the second your orgasm fades. Getting to have this type of sex with someone is rare so if you have the good fortune to stumble upon it, I would advise you to hold on for dear life. It’s a pretty good gig. You can be with someone without feeling self-conscious. You can really let yourself go because if they judge you, who cares?! Then they can leave. No skin off your nose! I guess it’s sort of like “friends with benefits except light on “friends” and heavy on “benefits.”
5. The “This is more funny than sexy” sex
“This is more funny than sexy” sex usually comes from two very playful partners who probably shouldn’t be sleeping together in the first place. Something about it just…isn’t working, which probably stems from both parties not really having a strong desire to see the other one naked. But there’s something still nice about it. Sex with a sense of humor can be totally refreshing so just go with it until the seasons change.
6. The “This is nice…” sex
“This is nice” sex happens when one or both parties is a mild-mannered, sweet person. The sex becomes a manifestation of their personality, which is to say that it’s inoffensive, sweet, and mellow. It never really becomes good or bad. It just is. When you stop sleeping together, you will not be able to remember the sex for the life of you.