5 Reasons Why You’re Unable To Delete Your Facebook

1. Because your ex best friend from high school got fat and you can’t resist watching their downfall!

Yes, Facebook totally sucks now. The timeline is the rudest thing to happen to our civilization since “having emotions.” Everything looks cluttered and you have trouble navigating a proper lurk experience, so you should just delete your FB and save yourself the technological headache! But wait, what’s that I hear? You can’t? You don’t know why but you just can’t bring yourself to do it? I feel you, sister. Facebook still has a tense grip on my balls too. One of the reasons why we can’t just say “good-bye to all that” is because we’d miss the smug satisfaction and joy we get from lurking people from our high school. Reading that one goth girl’s bad poetry (posted in the “Notes” section which no one EVER uses) brings you so much pleasure. Also hilariously sinful: watching your ex best friend slowly get fat on their photo timeline! Oh, what sinister fun it can all be! If you deleted your Facebook, how else are you going to feel superior? How about this? You’ll delete your FB when you want to become a better person but that won’t happen for, like, a really long time so…

2. Because there’s a one percent chance you’ll get invited to something that’s actually cool

Throughout the years, event invitations have become bastardized by the constant spamming of nightlife promoters (For the millionth time,  I don’t want to go to Dr. Kazuki’s Reggae Monster Mash!) But you’ll still occasionally get an invite to a house party or a birthday celebration that sounds legitimately fun. And you know there’s no other way you’ll find out about the party if you don’t have Facebook. People are lazy these days. There’ll be no personalized text inviting you to their party. You’ll only find out about it the day after when you get a text from your friend being like “Why didn’t you go to Amanda’s birthday party last night? She’s sort of pissed…’

3. Because you might become super successful one day and need to brag about it

You might have a crappy job and no romantic prospects right now but one day you might actually become super successful and need a space to brag about it to all of your acquaintances and exes. Enter Facebook — a place where the humblebrag was practically invented. The second anyone has ANY good news, what do they do? Call their parents? Best friend? No! They make a status update that says “OMG, I CAN’T BELIEVE IT! I GOT THE JOB/THE BOYFRIEND/THE BODY I’VE ALWAYS WANTED! I’M SO BLESSED!” and then they watch those “Likes” pile up like dead bodies! Instant jealousy, instant satisfaction.

4. You’re a masochist who needs to know what their ex is doing/who they’re doing

Facebook is like living on Temptation Island. You’re always one click away from entering a forbidden place — a place that will bring you equal parts shame and pleasure. Checking an ex’s Facebook page, in particular, feels like the technological version of cutting. Make no mistake about it. You ARE self-harming when you look at these profiles. It’s terrible and you really shouldn’t do it but you’re just not ready to be evolved and “above it.” You’re actually quite content being “below it.”

5. You don’t have a hobby

If you delete your Facebook, how else will you spend your daze? You’re not really a person who “does” things. Does this mean you’ll actually have to go outside and be productive? Because you don’t know if you can emotionally do that just yet… TC mark

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

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  • Kate

    I love this more than words.

    Ironically, I requested to permanently delete my Facebook just three hours ago after having it deactivated for a month and a half. I am much happier without it.

    • http://www.oneyearintexas.com Perfect Circles

      I didn’t know you could permanently delete it!  What will happen to the consumer profile Facebook is building of you?

      • Anonymous

         Facebook will die without you.

      • http://www.oneyearintexas.com Perfect Circles

        Better than it killing both of us!

      • Anonymous

         True, true.

    • Lilmonkay4

      Yes! this happened to me too! i didn’t permanently delete mine, but I was off of it for 2 montsh from a bad break up and i just sort of missed it and came bak within 24 hours like the addiction got worse i kept feeling like I wanted to check it, i felt like a slave to it! 
      life without it is much better! more freeing!
      I deactivated again, I was hesitant thinking ” what would they think of me now I am getting off of it again?” AND THAT IS ALL THE MORE REASON THAT FB SUCKS who cares what they think! the need for approval and ‘likes’ and ‘comments’ geez!

  • Adamcrittenden

    Haiku #?

    I’ll give you reasons,
    how about five (?) why you can’t
    delete your face. No, I won’t.

  • Aa

    One of the better TC lists I’ve read in a while–great job Ryan. Made me actually laugh at every turn.

  • Anna

    people are too lazy to TEXT these days? holy shit just kill me now 

    • Interneter

      lmao

    • Yumi

      it’s true… people would rather send you facebook invites than texting you about it..

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_VYDVROKY4PUBOKUHB3QF42FH2Y Paul S

    Don’t know about you guys, but I’m finding less and less people using FB these days. They’re not deleting themselves, they’re just not really posting or using it much, if at all, and neither am I.  Seems like these might be the beginnings of it’s last days as it goes the way of MySpace…

  • Brian

    “The new facebook sucks!” Remember when facebook was awful, then they improved it, everyone bitched, then everyone got used to it, then they improved it again, and everyone bitched?

  • Koba Chan

    “5 Reasons Why Pre-Teens are Unable to Delete Their Facebook”

    FIXED!

  • Anonymous

    If I get invited to one more kegger I swear…

  • NICOLE

    I don’t post often but I keep mine because a) my pictures are on it and b) it’s connected to everything. it’s so much easier to click “sign in with facebook” 

  • Guest

    am I the only human being in the entire universe that actually likes timeline?

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1046820072 Dalia Asfoor

      yes.

  • amy meow meow

    I can’t delete my facebook because I don’t know how to detach my pinterest account from it.. Whomp.

  • Lilmonkay4

    GREAT POST!!!

  • http://www.pcmech.com/article/delete-your-facebook-account/ 5 Very Good Reasons to Delete your Facebook Account | PCMech

    […] because many of us have gotten so wrapped up in that narcissism that we’ve fallen in love with it.  We need to share. We need to consume content. Voyeurism is satisfying;  having a huge network […]

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