1. Because your ex best friend from high school got fat and you can’t resist watching their downfall!
Yes, Facebook totally sucks now. The timeline is the rudest thing to happen to our civilization since “having emotions.” Everything looks cluttered and you have trouble navigating a proper lurk experience, so you should just delete your FB and save yourself the technological headache! But wait, what’s that I hear? You can’t? You don’t know why but you just can’t bring yourself to do it? I feel you, sister. Facebook still has a tense grip on my balls too. One of the reasons why we can’t just say “good-bye to all that” is because we’d miss the smug satisfaction and joy we get from lurking people from our high school. Reading that one goth girl’s bad poetry (posted in the “Notes” section which no one EVER uses) brings you so much pleasure. Also hilariously sinful: watching your ex best friend slowly get fat on their photo timeline! Oh, what sinister fun it can all be! If you deleted your Facebook, how else are you going to feel superior? How about this? You’ll delete your FB when you want to become a better person but that won’t happen for, like, a really long time so…
2. Because there’s a one percent chance you’ll get invited to something that’s actually cool
Throughout the years, event invitations have become bastardized by the constant spamming of nightlife promoters (For the millionth time, I don’t want to go to Dr. Kazuki’s Reggae Monster Mash!) But you’ll still occasionally get an invite to a house party or a birthday celebration that sounds legitimately fun. And you know there’s no other way you’ll find out about the party if you don’t have Facebook. People are lazy these days. There’ll be no personalized text inviting you to their party. You’ll only find out about it the day after when you get a text from your friend being like “Why didn’t you go to Amanda’s birthday party last night? She’s sort of pissed…’
3. Because you might become super successful one day and need to brag about it
You might have a crappy job and no romantic prospects right now but one day you might actually become super successful and need a space to brag about it to all of your acquaintances and exes. Enter Facebook — a place where the humblebrag was practically invented. The second anyone has ANY good news, what do they do? Call their parents? Best friend? No! They make a status update that says “OMG, I CAN’T BELIEVE IT! I GOT THE JOB/THE BOYFRIEND/THE BODY I’VE ALWAYS WANTED! I’M SO BLESSED!” and then they watch those “Likes” pile up like dead bodies! Instant jealousy, instant satisfaction.
4. You’re a masochist who needs to know what their ex is doing/who they’re doing
Facebook is like living on Temptation Island. You’re always one click away from entering a forbidden place — a place that will bring you equal parts shame and pleasure. Checking an ex’s Facebook page, in particular, feels like the technological version of cutting. Make no mistake about it. You ARE self-harming when you look at these profiles. It’s terrible and you really shouldn’t do it but you’re just not ready to be evolved and “above it.” You’re actually quite content being “below it.”
5. You don’t have a hobby
If you delete your Facebook, how else will you spend your daze? You’re not really a person who “does” things. Does this mean you’ll actually have to go outside and be productive? Because you don’t know if you can emotionally do that just yet…