1. Drive Me Crazy
The bummer thing about being closeted in middle school—well there were a lot of bummer things about it—was having to pretend to be interested in macho movies. In 6th grade, I remember dragging all my straight guy friends to see Great Expectations under the guise of getting to see Gwyneth Paltrow naked and it turned out to be an utter disaster. When the credits rolled, I was stealthily wiping away my tears as my guy friends were muttering “What the hell was that gay s**t?! You only saw some sideboob. Let’s get out of here and pump our chests and lick some 13-year-old vagina!” I learned my lesson quickly that if I wanted to see an adaptation of a Charles Dickens novel with stunning ’90s fashion or any other movie that would be deemed “too female”, I would have to go solo star. Enter: Drive Me Crazy—an insipid teen movie starring aspiring Oscar nominee Melissa Joan Hart and professional sexy person Adrien Grenier as two star-crossed lovers/neighbors who dared to cross the social lines of preppy and punk…or something. It looked terrible—like a bad version of She’s All That (which was bad to begin with)—but I had to see it because it took place in high school and I had strong aspirations to be a 16 year old with major boy drama. So I went by myself. I saw Drive Me Crazy alone at 12 years old, lying to my mom and telling her that I was meeting some friends. It was super depressing but nothing stood in the way of me and Melissa Joan Hart’s lazy eye.
2. The House Of The Devil
I love horror films but finding someone who’s willing to pay 15 dollars to be scared and anxious with me for 90 minutes is remarkably difficult so I often have to go it alone. I’m not gonna lie. It sucks. Movies that are fun to see alone usually fall into the “Introspective Indie/Slice Of Life Documentary” categories whereas big blockbusters, comedies, and horror films are best when seen in a group. When Ti West’s latest horror movie, The House of the Devil, premiered at The Angelika a few years ago however, I knew I would have to go by myself. I made the foolish mistake though of going to a 9:30 showing on opening night. Look, I’m not usually one to be ashamed of going to the movies by myself but sitting in that crowded theatre alone on a Friday night certainly tested the limits of my bravery. You better believe I spent the 20 minutes before the lights dimmed texting phantom friends and was the first person to run out of the theatre when it was over.
3. The Vow
I recently went to go see The Vow alone because I hate myself and also because all of my friends decided that they were above watching some syrupy sentimental shlock. But I’m not! No sirrie. I will never be above watching some dramatic romance movie involving comas, memory loss, and Channing Tatum’s body. When did everyone become so highbrow with their movie tastes anyway? I mean, I’m all for an intellectual thought-provoking movie starring a tortured girl who has lots of feelings but sometimes you gotta just spend two hours watching a terrible actor attempt to make facial expressions.
Warning: if you’re gay and single, you should not see the lo-fi indie gay love affair movie, Weekend, alone. I made that mistake recently and it left me pratically sobbing in the fetal position. Or at least I think it did. I don’t actually remember because I got super high beforehand and ended up falling asleep intermittently throughout the entire movie. From the glimpses I saw when I would regain consciousness, it seemed like a really honest portrayal of gay love. Which is terrifying. It’s like a gay horror movie. RUN AWAY FROM THE KILLER! THE KILLER BEING A GAY MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP THAT YOU CURRENTLY DON’T HAVE AND MAY NEVER GET! AGGGHH!
5. The Antichrist
You better wear a condom when you see Lars Von Trier’s The Antichrist because your mind is going to get f**ked. You also can’t see it alone because it will put you in such a weird fugue afterward that you will need someone there to give you a scalp massage and whisper positive affirmations in your ear.