3 Things I Just Can’t Bring Myself To Do

1. Floss

Look, I take pretty decent care of my teeth. I go to the dentist every six months for a cleaning and rarely have a cavity. But one thing I can’t bring myself to do is floss. Every time I see the dentist he sends me home with some easy-to-use newfangled version of flossing and promises me that it’s not hard and I just have to get the hang of it. No matter how hard I try though, I just can’t. I’ll do it the first night and it will feel weird and awkward. Sometimes blood will come out which is so #dark and perhaps the most intimate thing I’ve ever admitted online, even more intimate than my documented proclivity towards colonics and dick waxing. But, yeah, I blogged it. My teeth sometimes bleed when I attempt to floss which I know is more of a reason to start doing it ASAP but it just ends up scaring me off of it altogether. My sister, who’s a few years older than me, never flossed or went to the dentist and she just spent $5,000 fixing her decaying teeth! Now she says she’s a floss convert and does it religiously. Is that what it’s going to take me to floss? $5,000? Because I really don’t have $5,000 and even if I did, I would rather spend it on a nice leather jacket and maybe a vacation to the Everglades than on someone drilling me. Wait, that sounded wrong. Whatever. I can’t floss.

2. Throw out the month old bottle of green juice in the back of my fridge

Sometimes I go on these “health kicks” which just involve me starting each day by drinking a $10 juice from a place called Liquiteria. I’ll even buy them in bulk (AKA three of them because that’s all I can afford) so I don’t have to walk the four blocks to get it myself in the morning. (Don’t you love my health kicks? I won’t walk places but I’ll spend money and drink juice.) Anyway, sometimes I’m such a colossal failure that I can’t even drink it before it spoils and then I’m just left with rotting non-pasteurized bougie juice in my fridge that’s taunting me saying, “Haha, dumbass. This is what you get when you buy expensive juice instead of like actually exercising.” What’s even more unfortunate is that this happened to me a month ago and I, for whatever reason, can’t bring myself to throw out the bottle of spoiled juice. Every time I open my fridge, I look at it sitting there with its swampy #NotClearOn coloring and want to scream and close the door. WHAT IS WRONG ME? WHY CAN’T I THROW OUT THIS DISGUSTING JUICE? Am I a masochist? Am I essentially cutting myself each time I see the juice? I guess I should ask these questions to my therapist but I think she would just be like “What?” and it would get really silent for a second.

3. Read Jonathan Franzen’s Freedom

I have a nasty habit of buying books that I never end up reading. Especially now considering I have no time for anything, let alone a 600 page book, but I still can’t help myself because there might be that one day off where I feel like feeding my brain good stuff instead of garbage and there the book will be. It’s super embarrassing though when people come over to my apartment and see my wonderful book collection and are like “OMG, I love The Complete Works Of Frank O’Hara! What poem was your fave?” and I’m just like “Um, the one where he drinks a Coke with somebody?” I know I’ll never read his complete works — I’m lucky if I end up reading ten of them!– but here it is, staring back at me. JUST DARING ME TO READ IT. Last week I bought Jonathan Franzen’s Freedom because I felt like I had to read it in order to be a well-formed person but the second I got home I looked at it, assessed its length and was like “Yeah. Never going to happen, bb.” TC mark

Image – Walter Seigemund

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.


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  • Deney Stygstra

    1.) Your oral hygiene habits: gross — exactly how bad is your breath & I’m just guessing,, but are u single?
    2.) Exactly what else is lurking in your fridge — again — gross
    3.) Been there,,, lots of enlightening stuff hanging in my place as well,, the operational term being “hanging”

    • zlady6

      number 1…rude

      • Deney Stygstra

        true,,, I apologize &  take the crack about being single back,,, but still,, never flossing???? the bad breath & gross part stands,,, really gross,,,,

      • cozie

        please,,,,,stop typing,,,like,,,this,,,,u,, sound dumb,,????

      • enthusiast


      • anonymouse

         comma comma, chameleon….

    • Marleigh

      flossing is pretty unnecessary if you brush your teeth and use mouthwash regularly. at least, so says the fact that I haven’t had a cavity since I was seven

  • http://twitter.com/marisasaystweet MarisaSays

    Freedom is actually a pretty fast read. Moves much more quickly than the corrections. Worth it, too. But I totally do this with books too (see Infinite Jest, which has been on my bookshelf for at least 5 years, although my husband finally hunkered down & read it). 

    • http://twitter.com/JonTargaryen Carly Fowler

      Oh god, Infinite Jest. My friend keeps trying to get me to read it in its entirety. It’ll never happen. 

  • http://underwaterbreedingapparatus.blogspot.com/ Max K

    I have an old bottle of wheat grass juice in my fridge. I bought it, took a sip, spit out the sip, placed it in the farthest upper corner of my fridge, and havent taken it out since. I think I bought it in 2010.

  • http://iwanttheseshoes.blogspot.com Olivia Moore

    wondering why aren’t we friends. every article I read by you I find myself thinking “this is me. oh, yeah, this is definitely me!” but then I just realized you probably don’t want another raving lunatic in your life.

  • Josh Gondelman

    I could not be on board more with all three of these things!

  • Rishtopher

    Honestly, I never cared to floss before until I started seeing my dentist more often. I have to do what he tells me… he’s a very beautiful person. 

  • narc


  • uptown1train

    Floss now. Please. Seeing plaque build-up on someone’s teeth makes my skin crawl. Especially someone I would otherwise want to make out with.

  • Beea_73

    People!!!Listen up! Flossing is very important. My sister is a dentist and she said that if you have to choose between flossing and brushing, you should choose flossing. Brushing is a very superficial process that only makes you think that your teeth have no bacteria on them. But the real bacteria is between teeth, where brushing cannot get to. That bacteria between teeth stinks!!! Start flossing people!!!!

    • http://www.about.me/tanyasalyers Tanya Salyers

      Stop yelling at us!!

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_VYDVROKY4PUBOKUHB3QF42FH2Y Paul S

      The only flossing I do is in my butt – TONS of bacteria in there, which stinks even more!!!

  • http://www.about.me/tanyasalyers Tanya Salyers

    I have had Freedom on my night stand for a year now…haven’t made it past the first five pages. 

    • Kate

      Ugh don’t bother.

  • Deney Stygstra


  • Reader

    1Q84 – How can it be a bestseller when no one reads anymore, especially a 900 page novel?  I have the Franzen on my list

  • A-W

    Liquiteria’s lemonade is perfect. But  it’s weird when you realize Ryan O’Connell is your neighbor…

  • Anon

    I like Ryan O’Connell’s pieces so much more now that I can imagine his voice/facial expressions/hand gestures as he says these things

  • Anonymous

    Flossing is AMAZING. Keep at it for like a week and you’ll get a lightbulb (not #dark anymore!) and be like ‘OH I get it this is terrific!’ and then you’ll floss forever.

  • #dark

    after reading the comments here I bought some floss and decided today would be the day I start flossing, well until my gums started to bleed and I decided tomorrow would be the day I start flossing…

  • http://summerslowrunner.wordpress.com/ Summer

    I actually love the feeling of bleeding gums and the pain from flossing after not having done it for a while. Hurts so good. Especially to use mouthwash afterwards. INTENSE. Mouth feels so clean and sparkly afterwards. I’m going to floss tonight just because of this article! 

  • Rebecca W

    Frank O’Hara! Read the Frank O’Hara.

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