15 Things You Should Do Before You Turn 30

  1. Blame everything on bad luck, poor timing, and a rotten economy. It’s currently your generation which means you have complete license to talk about how screwed you are and how nothing is ever your fault! Act fast now because by the time you turn 30, the tides will have shifted and you’ll no longer have the luxury to blame all your problems on being in a post grad funk or lack of job opportunities. You’ve had eight years, dammit!
  2. Date someone who most likely hates you. Dating someone who might actually hate you is super chic when you’re just starting to figure things/ yourself out. (Just make sure they have a big dick and occasionally buy you dinner.)
  3. Cry in Whole Foods. Because life is hard! Life is a $7.00 organic grass-fed glass of Kombucha.
  4. Read The Secret. And believe it because you are very fragile right now.
  5. See a shrink and put it on your credit card. And tell your therapist things like this: “This one time my mom wouldn’t drive me to Target to buy the new Strokes CD and I think that’s why I have intimacy issues, to be honest. I’ve never told her but I think we both know.”
  6. Bump your elbow and take three Vicodin in the middle of the afternoon. Because it just hurts so bad honey….
  7. Scream at someone In Da Club! Point fingers, throw drinks and scream “YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID!” to a stranger who has done nothing wrong.
  8. Go to places that have a long line, intimidating bouncers, and a list you most definitely aren’t on. Being in your 20s means going to a douchey hip club at least once and doing coke with that chick from The Ring. Trust me.
  9. Go to Europe. And tell everyone for the next eight years about how it changed your life and how you’re definitely going to move there someday.
  10. Do something sexually that totally shocks you. So you can have a story to tell at brunch for the next 5 years.
  11. Deal with an asshole boss. Who is approximately four months younger than you.
  12. Tell people that you’re in a really good place.
  13. Tell people that you’re in a really bad place.
  14. Tell people that you’re confused as to what place you’re in.
  15. Try to die before you turn 30. Fail miserably. TC mark

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.


More From Thought Catalog

  • Eman

    What the hell kind of a list is this? I came in here actually expecting something good. 

    • Nishant

      Yeah. This is becoming just a random whatever blog now.

    • Jordan

       Your standard Ryan O’Connell stuff.

  • Craig

    Ditto, Eman.

  • YellowBanana

    sounds like your 20s sucked…

  • meh


  • Js11871

    omglol I’ve been ‘moving to Europe’ for five years now :|

  • Alx

    loved every word of this…. definitely put a cynical smile on my face. 

  • liz

    i’m on #15 lol … i think i’m giving up on it though… life is good :)

  • guest

    You should actually move to Europe. I don’t regret it. 

  • Michael_bucciero

    im 25, done most of these already. feel like I’ve achieved something for once.

  • Clitty McLabia

    Kill yourself before your 30! 

  • Courtney


  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_VYDVROKY4PUBOKUHB3QF42FH2Y Paul S

    Where’s the “sarcasm” tag?

  • http://www.facebook.com/TM4RT Trent Marshall


    • Dls

      That’s the only list we needed.

      1. Yolo.

  • Tabitha

    Okay, I know this is a joke list, but I actually REALLY want to do #7…

  • Girl

    Weird. #16 – Cut back on the coke.

  • Anna

    Feign ironic indifference as to whether you get hit by a car and die on any given day

  • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

    I’ve audited Whole Foods in Providence back in my undergrad days working for RGIS.  I got to see the stock room.  You fools shopping there…if  only knew.  Unrelated, I earned the nickname “catnip” that day. 

    • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

       By the way, what the hell is with you fuckers and brunch?  Get your lazy
      ass out of bed, have breakfast and lunch…and a nice snack between the

  • http://matadornetwork.com/ Carlo Alcos

    I came in here expecting to find some earnest list, but was pleasantly surprised by this. Entertaining.

  • DB

    Number 9 is entirely plagiarized from “Stuff White People Like”  

    • annie

      still the truest one on the list

    • Anonymous

      I don’t like when people throw around the word “plagiarized” for something very obvious that two people could definitely have thought of.

      • Ryan O'Connell


      • Anonymous


  • http://artfeedsmia.blogspot.com/ mia nguyen

    Adding this to the bucket list.


    What about: smoke weed with your lovers ??

  • Adamcrittenden

    Haiku #?

    Someone told me I should
    drink uncontrollably and write
    about it. I failed/succeeded.

  • Supahhcool

    One day, I am going to make an epic math problem including all of the numbers from Ryan’s article titles. 

  • http://jcpart.co.uk/ Jordan

    i’ve done almost everything on this list. awesome. except #4. i will not fucking read the Secret.

  • Heycat

    Ryns’ creativity is losing steam… blhablabh

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000228502515 Sara Hankins

      thats way harsh, ty…

blog comments powered by Disqus