Thought Catalog

15 More Things You Should Do Before You Turn 30

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  1. Enter a friend’s nice apartment, clutch their wrist and whisper “How much do you pay if you don’t mind me asking?”
  2. Catch up over lunch with an old friend from high school and actually consider taking the fork and gouging your eyes out. Picture yourself with one of your eyes dangling out of your skull and telling your friend, “Well, it’s been real but I’m blind now so I gotta go. Please don’t contact me ever again.”
  3. Date someone for four months and forget that it ever happened until one day you find an old shirt of theirs in your dresser. Think to yourself, “Oh yeah. That guy.”
  4. Quit drinking. Quit carbs. Quit unhealthy foods. Quit bad friends. And then pick them all up again. Repeat these cycles until you know how to drink, know how to eat, and know who to love. Or turn 30. Whichever comes first.
  5. Go to a party after you graduate college and answer questions about your career. Tell people that you’re freelancing and then excuse yourself to go to the bathroom and silently weep.
  6. Move cities, move apartments, move countries. Tell your friends “I just need to get away.  I’m not healthy here.” Realize it’s expensive to find your happiness. Do yoga instead.
  7. Respond to a lame text with a simple “k.” so they know you’re pissed and not going to take it anymore!
  8. Go into an Internet blackout for eight hours on a Saturday, and come to and see the following tabs open on your computer: Friday Night Lights on Netflix, your ex’s Facebook, a Seamless web order for Indian food, A Google search of “What does it sound like when doves cry?”, and 50 photos of you making “twentysomething dead eyes” taken on Photobooth.
  9. Ask someone “What sign are you?” and when they tell you, respond with “Yeah. I have no idea what that means actually. I just know my sign and Scorpios.”
  10. Tell 5 people about the weird cool dream you had last night and ask surprised when they run away from you screaming.
  11. Miss your mom and dad soooooooo much. Ignore all their phone calls.
  12. When your peers tell you any good news about their career or relationship,  smile widely and say “I’m sorry. I have to go. I just got shot in the stomach and there’s blood everywhere LOL. Call me?”
  13. Consider marrying someone for health insurance.
  14. Think you always need to lose five pounds. Maybe ten if it’s after winter and you realize you have to show your body again.
  15. Still try to die before you turn 30. Almost succeed when you exhale too much smoke after falling asleep drunk while cooking pasta. TC mark
image – Selena N. B. H.
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15 More Things You Should Do Before You Turn 30 is cataloged in , , , , , , , , ,
  • Anonymous

    Can’t tell if joking or…?

  • HOLDIT

    For the love of God, Ryan. Stop.

    • http://twitter.com/kelvin_lee Kelvin Lee

      Oh whatever, this is just mean-spirited heckling. If you want it to “stop” don’t read it. I don’t disagree with you but every pageview and comment is a vote that this is what you’re willing to read.

  • Shanesscribs

    It’s very sarcastically calling a lot of people out on what tends to happen in a lot of our 20’s.

    • OIC

      Oh.

    • Anonymous

      I couldn’t tell without the sarcastic tag.

      • Katy

        Sarcasm is lost on people who can’t understand it.

      • Anonymous

        Case and point.

  • Meghan Cline

    #11 – spot on.

  • Sophia

    “Quit drinking. Quit carbs. Quit unhealthy foods. Quit bad friends. And then pick them all up again. Repeat these cycles until you know how to drink, know how to eat, and know who to love.” this is pretty much the story of my life.

  • http://twitter.com/jemmehlee Jamie ❤ 。◕

    I’ve considered marrying someone for money. LOL /shameonme

  • Guest

    “Respond to a lame text with a simple “k.” so they know you’re pissed and not going to take it anymore!” Yup. Did that one last night!

  • btst

    Move cities, move apartments, move countries. Tell your friends “I just
    need to get away.  I’m not healthy here.” Realize it’s expensive to find
    your happiness. Do yoga instead. HAHAH guiiiilty :/

  • http://www.facebook.com/sgodsted Samantha Godsted

    You saved my life Ryan.

  • Anonymous

    I have so much to catch up on.

  • http://twitter.com/marisasaystweet MarisaSays

    I got so much of this out of the way before I was 25.

  • Goldglass

    I only know my sign (cancer) and Aries. And omg is it volatile.

  • Anlon

    16. Stare at cute girl-butts in the American Apparel ads on Thought Catalog, and wonder what the models are like in person.

  • Supahhcool

    Or maybe the first one should have just been called “30 Things You Should Do Before You Turn 30.”

  • Anonymous

    You really had to throw #6 back in my face, didn’t you Ryan? 
    I’m still paying for Venice Beach and London.

  • Anonymous

    “Miss your mom and dad soooooooo much. Ignore all their phone calls.”

    Oh god. It hurts.

  • Anna

    twentysomething dead eyes

  • http://twitter.com/CourtneyCrowley Courtney Crowley

    “Scorpio huh? Hoping you’d say that.”
    For the love of God, that does not mean I want to have sex with you.

  • MARYJANEHOMO

    #16 smoke a j and read Ryan’s articles

  • Waicool

    guess how old i am and express your answer as a list

  • Domininka Kryzeviciute

    #4 and #6 couldn’t agree more

  • http://mackschats.wordpress.com/2013/04/17/twenty-something-ramblings/ Twenty Something Ramblings | mackschats
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