What Happened To Winter?

Um, you guys, where’s winter? It’s March 1st already and we’ve only seen snow once (maybe twice if you count Halloween which was weird) in New York City. This will have been my fifth winter here and to say it’s been a mild one is an understatement. It doesn’t exist! Winter just decided to not show up this year. Maybe it couldn’t deal with New Yorkers and their incessant complaining, so it gave us a break. I mean, do you even remember last winter? I looked like the final shot of Jack Nicholson in The Shining for three months! As someone who grew up in a Southern California beach town practically licking the sun, it’s not easy for me to navigate cold weather. I always underdress (yes, I’m that fool wearing shorts in 60 degree weather and dining al fresco), my sexy psoriasis breaks out on my cheeks, and I never want to leave my apartment. What I loathe the most about winter actually is the constant undressing and redressing whenever you go somewhere. And hooking up with someone? Ha! Just give me thirty minutes to de-mummify myself. We’ll see where your erection is at after I spend ten minutes getting off my boots.

All of that being said, I’m sort of bummed that we didn’t get to have a winter this year. It felt unnatural not having to use my winter coats and trudge through the snow every day in perpetual fear of eating crap. I missed drinking whiskey and eating lots of soup to keep warm. I missed having an excuse to stay in with friends because the weather was terrifying. Most of all, I missed having an excuse to eat like Kirstie Alley for a few months. When the weather’s nice, there’s no reason you should be eating lasagna every night.

Honestly, I couldn’t even enjoy the nice weather without worrying about how we were going to eventually pay for it. Because trust me, we will. Climate change is here and it’s not screwing around. This winter exemplifies that. While everyone else was delighting in their good fortune of having a 60 degree day in the middle of February, I was FREAKING OUT about the implications. If the weather’s like this now, does that mean we’re going to be having random snowstorms in the middle of summer? We can’t just be getting out of a winter this year. It’s going to bite us in the ass at some point. It has to, right?

It’s not over yet. We still have a good six weeks left to get completely screwed by the weather gods. With my luck, it will start hailing the second I publish this post. Snow will drop like boulders and crush all of the skinny people on Bedford. It will be absolute chaos!

Or not. The weather could continue being inoffensive and shy. Then the season will officially change and our memories will turn into pudding. We’ll forget that New York could ever get so cold until next year rolls around and we find ourselves up shit creek without a paddle. Years later, we’ll be sitting in some restaurant uptown holding a dog for no reason and talking about That One Winter. That One Winter where nothing happened, nothing at all. And we’ll laugh until we start to wheeze and choke and possibly grab for an oxygen mask, and that will be that. Sigh.TC mark

image – Herry Lawford

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.


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  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    bro… new york review: global warming~

  • Alice

    Either we’ll get freak snowstorms in July or it’s going to be hotter than the sun in the summer…

  • http://twitter.com/rinacaparras Rina Caparras

    … my country never had winter. 

  • Kelsiemarshall

    Try living in Utah where we are supposed to have the greatest snow on earth . . . yesterday was our second real snowfall. I know, I know, snow bum problems. 

  • Hannah

    It’s snowing buckets in Western Mass, right on the first of March. Fucking stay inoffensive and shy goddamn it!

  • Great Author

    Good job of working your erection into the first paragraph. 

  • Christylynne

    I’m pretty sure the winter you’re supposed to have gotten, has been hiding here in Alaska since halloween. Seriously, I’d love to know what asphalt actually looks like. Haven’t seen it since then. Over 5 feet of snow and counting….

  • http://kelianaya.com Keli Anaya

    Whatever winter. Spring spring spring! Scorching summer, too.

  • Bridget

    “Years later, we’ll be sitting in some restaurant uptown holding a dog for no reason and talking about That One Winter”this part killed me and I have no idea why. 

  • bkny

    umm 5 years? you’re not a new yorker.

  • Funny

    It’s funny how there are more awareness about global warming in Asia then here.  We’re like shitting and doesn’t even care where it’s going to.  Irresponsible bastards.

  • Zan

    you weren’t/aren’t FREAKING OUT. you’re being a quirk and writing a blog, capitalizing. you’re good for no angry reason, granted i’m angry for no good reason. APPLAUSE & apologies.

  • http://twitter.com/rohainahassan Rohaina Hassan

    It’s actually due to the max/min pattern of the sun spots and energy released by the sun. And, this upcoming summer season… there will be a higher number of hurricanes, sadly. Its all because of the heat and energy stored down below at the equatorial region. Sooooooo basically, all the northwest winds are coming in and warming up the areas… All the cold is going up north. Just google sunspot energy.. But, I do love this.

    • Cotton Diddly

      Look at the big brain on Brad!

  • Pbam

    Ryan, you must keep writing! Never stop! Never sleep, just keep writing  please!

  • Guest

    why not use your blogging/writing powers to raise climate change and global warming issues? you know, put your online fame to good use? :-) since a lot of people read your works anyway.

  • Katherine

    The southern hemisphere has been paying for it — while New York was busy not having a winter, Sydney was busy not having a summer. :/

  • no summer in da south

    um hey we didn’t even get a summer this year in new zealand, well in total we got like a few weeks or something. I’d rather no winter than no summer!!!!

    • XAmj

      I guess we kinda got their Winter down here

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