How To Freak Someone Out

Go to a house party where you know no one and start telling people your name is Ursula and that you do tarot. People will look confused but eventually ask you to read their cards because they’re NARCISSISTS. Agree to do so and bring out the Death card. Tell them that this means they’ll either die a horrible death OR end up on reality TV. Watch as a crowd of girls scrunch up their nose in haughty disbelief and whisper to each other “SHE’S WEIRD. Let’s get some jungle juice and scram!”

Whenever your boyfriend/girlfriend leaves the room to go to the bathroom, start sending them a frantic series of texts:

6:21pm: Babe, are you peeing? Babe, I miss you.
6:21pm: Babe, do you want a beer? I can get you a beer, babe.
6:22pm: What are you doing in there? If you’re pooping, we’re not having sex tonight.
6:22pm: I feel distant…
6:23pm: Are you cheating on me?! Who is it?! Are you screwing them in the bathroom?
6:23pm: I’m sorry I’m acting crazy. I just miss you so much. Please respond…
6:24pm: We’re over.
6:24pm: Come back.

Go up to someone and tell them that you like their aura. Tickle their face with a feather and walk away.

At lunch, take out a bag of coke and ask people if they want any. When no one says anything back, say “MORE FOR ME THEN! NOM NOM NOM NOM.”

Whenever a complete stranger writes something mean about you on the Internet, just write back “hon? what’s wrong? r u ok? honey? miss ya. want to see ya. should i cum over?” (I HAVE NEVER DONE THIS.)

Start off a sentence with “That reminds me of the time I was molested.” Or “Have I told you about my last abortion?” Or my personal favorite: “I wish they would just bring back Everybody Loves Raymond!”

Write on your enemies’ Facebook wall: “Isn’t it weird how we hate each other IRL but we’re friends on this thing? LOL!”

Make out with a stranger at the bar and be like “I didn’t expect to meet the love of my life tonight. Simply amazing…”

When the barista at your coffee shop asks how your day is going, tell them that you’ve cried three times already and you might start again right now. Then ask for their number.

Tell your mother that you wore nothing but a t-shirt and shorts in 40 degree weather today. She will legit have a heart attack. TC mark

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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  • Gary

    Please Ryan, just stop!

    • Ryan O'Connell

      hon??? is that u? cum here

      • thetruth

        Nice one Ryan, I guess that college degree was worth it. You can now write witty comments on this website. Well done.

  • Anonymous

    Hm, “interesting” thoughts you have. Ryan? What’s wrong? R u okay? Honey?

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=612928768 Samie Rose

    The last one. I liked it. The rest. Meh.

  • Lo

    i don’t know if anyone ever told you this, but god, dude, quality > quantity.

    jesus christ.

  • http://twitter.com/tannnyaya Tanya Salyers

    by the “(I HAVE NEVER DONE THIS)”, do you mean that you’ve done everything else?!

  • Erica

    ryan, you are just hilarious.  i love it. 

  • DD_8630

    This isn’t even funny, it’s just random words strung together in the guise of an ‘intelligent’ thought..

  • Anonymous

    I put a little too much faith in the weather being like it was yesterday and went outside in a dress and cardigan WITHOUT tights for the first time this year.  Oooh the bewildered stares I got from the practical coat wearers.  

  • Tali

    stop it. 

  • Sus

    I’m sensing only certain people can really relate to and appreciate Ryan’s posts. I happen to be one of them. If you do not like his posts, then just don’t read them. Simple as that.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_5WQXSSKAMOU4WCHKCWYMUKKKNU Aladin Sane

    Hmmm…it’s gonna be a long weekend. BWAH HA HA H AH AH  HA WIPEOUT

  • Jack

    OMG RYAN EVERYTIME YOU HAVE ME LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THANKS FOR TH LAUGHS KEEP EM COMING BUDDY!!!

  • bro

    LOLLL  I wish I had the guts to do all of  that

  • sage14

    Ryan, be mine. You are HILARIOUS
    For those who don’t find Ryan’s posts funny/true, there is a simple solution: stop reading them/commenting on them!

    • thetruth

      I think he’s funny but some of these articles are a waste. He could be doing better things with his time. I think.

    • guest

      Really? Stop reading posts because there is a possibility they are not well written? And critical commentary is just as important as praise so if you like his stuff, then great go ahead and show your approval. However, those who don’t like his stuff have a right to post their dissatisfaction, too.

  • Dammit

    I’ve always wanted to do the Facebook thing but never had the guts to.

  • thetruth

    you went to college for this? what a pointless article try writing something useful.

    • A-W

      I must  be constantly productive now, because I went to college? OOPS

      but furreal thanks for the useful commentary truth.

    • Ian

      “hon? what’s wrong? r u ok? honey? miss ya. want to see ya. should i cum over?”

  • Bealtaine

    I laughed and wanted to write some thing mean so Ryan could have the chance to write  this “hon? what’s wrong? r u ok? honey? miss ya. want to see ya. should i cum over?”

  • LG

    This did make me giggle… nice work

  • alaes

    one to add : text a random number “I hid the body…. now what?” the best response I’ve received is “find a fork and dig in, then get some baggies and put what you don’t eat in the freezer” hahah

  • guest

    This was so bad. Neither funny nor well written. Please Ryan, either learn to write better or just stop posting stuff here.

  • m.j. corey

    LOL @ writing on the fb enemy’s wall, now i wanna 

  • Guest

    What’s with all the haters?! This is funny lol!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Alyssa-Merwin/526538056 Alyssa Merwin

    These are all AWFUL ideas. Not funny at all. 

  • ZanyXani

    This is quite funny. Someone should have an imaginary friend. Now THAT would be funny.

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