Go to a house party where you know no one and start telling people your name is Ursula and that you do tarot. People will look confused but eventually ask you to read their cards because they’re NARCISSISTS. Agree to do so and bring out the Death card. Tell them that this means they’ll either die a horrible death OR end up on reality TV. Watch as a crowd of girls scrunch up their nose in haughty disbelief and whisper to each other “SHE’S WEIRD. Let’s get some jungle juice and scram!”
Whenever your boyfriend/girlfriend leaves the room to go to the bathroom, start sending them a frantic series of texts:
6:21pm: Babe, are you peeing? Babe, I miss you.
6:21pm: Babe, do you want a beer? I can get you a beer, babe.
6:22pm: What are you doing in there? If you’re pooping, we’re not having sex tonight.
6:22pm: I feel distant…
6:23pm: Are you cheating on me?! Who is it?! Are you screwing them in the bathroom?
6:23pm: I’m sorry I’m acting crazy. I just miss you so much. Please respond…
6:24pm: We’re over.
6:24pm: Come back.
Go up to someone and tell them that you like their aura. Tickle their face with a feather and walk away.
At lunch, take out a bag of coke and ask people if they want any. When no one says anything back, say “MORE FOR ME THEN! NOM NOM NOM NOM.”
Whenever a complete stranger writes something mean about you on the Internet, just write back “hon? what’s wrong? r u ok? honey? miss ya. want to see ya. should i cum over?” (I HAVE NEVER DONE THIS.)
Start off a sentence with “That reminds me of the time I was molested.” Or “Have I told you about my last abortion?” Or my personal favorite: “I wish they would just bring back Everybody Loves Raymond!”
Write on your enemies’ Facebook wall: “Isn’t it weird how we hate each other IRL but we’re friends on this thing? LOL!”
Make out with a stranger at the bar and be like “I didn’t expect to meet the love of my life tonight. Simply amazing…”
When the barista at your coffee shop asks how your day is going, tell them that you’ve cried three times already and you might start again right now. Then ask for their number.
Tell your mother that you wore nothing but a t-shirt and shorts in 40 degree weather today. She will legit have a heart attack.