Thought Catalog

Best Ways To Blow Your Paycheck

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This series is brought to you by TurboTax Federal Free Edition.

1. A new bed

When I was younger, one of the things I yearned for the most was a bed like my parents. Having a luxurious queen or king-size bed seemed to me like the ultimate sign of adulthood. While I slept on a cheap twin bed until I was a sophomore in college, my mom and and dad rested their heads on beds that felt like clouds. Although I’ve since upgraded to a full, I still don’t quite feel like I have a Mom And Dad Bed yet. In fact I’m positive I don’t. My bed is a veritable brokedown palace. It squeaks all the time and feels like it’s going to cave, which is why I’m determined to buy a new one. It will probably cost me more than just a single paycheck but splurging on a nice bed seems totally worth it. Think about it. We spend 33% of our lives in bed, so don’t we owe it to ourselves to make it as comfy as possible? Blow five paychecks and get the bougie bed of your dreams. No one will judge you for it. On the contrary, they’ll be jealous and want to have sleepovers with you ASAP.

2. Go on a weekend trip

We always say we want to get away for a long weekend but we never do. Perhaps going on That Big Trip is not within your financial grasp quite yet but going on a weekend getaway certainly is. Cut corners by eating at home/starving yourself for a few weeks, and you’ll be able to blow your paycheck on a nice little sojourn to Whereverville. These weekends are crucial to your mental health but they’re also investments into your precious memory bank. Honestly, how many nights have you gotten wasted and accidentally spent 200 bucks on drinks, food, and cab fare? If you split the costs with a group of friends, going away for the weekend could you set back as much as one night of shame does.

3. An amazing pair of jeans

Whenever I go shopping for a pair of new jeans, the day usually ends with me sobbing in the dressing room. Is there any other kind of clothing that has the ability to make your body look so revolting? On the flip side, is there any other piece of clothing that can make your body look so damn good?! Finding the perfect pair of jeans is an endless quest for some people and if you’re lucky enough to stumble upon them, be prepared to pay the asking price. Because a great pair of jeans is worth practically any amount of money. You’ll wear them every day until they’re in tatters, and then you’ll spend the rest of your life paying to get them repaired. You don’t ever let them leave you. They’re a precious investment.

4. Expensive concert tickets to see your favorite band

Ordinarily, I hate going to concerts but I WILL pay top dollar to see a band I truly love. Spending money on front row tickets to see a band who has left an indelible mark on your life is worth every penny. As corny as it sounds, you will have a night that you won’t forget. You might even cry! (I almost cried when I saw Mazzy Star. No shame. MUSIC IS REAL.)

5. A massage

For some reason, people have this idea that a massage costs nothing below $200. It’s an unfathomable luxury, something you would never get for yourself because it’s out of your reach. But, hi, did you know that a lot of 60-minute massages only cost like $40? Sure you might not get that fancy cucumber water and a robe but you will get an hour of ecstasy. The best part about getting a massage is how you feel afterward. You’re totally out of it and feel like you’ve been hit by a tranquilizer dart. Someone could tell you that your childhood dog was just hit by a car and you’d be like “All dogs go to heaven, babe!” and keep walking. Ditch any preconceived notions you have about this so-called bougie self-indulgent activity and just get a cheap massage. It’s worth it. TC mark

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More From Thought Catalog

  • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

    I like blowing the majority of it in a savings account.  And I’m a scientist, so that’s a pretty big check.  High five!

    • Enfield

      Scientist—>Big Check lol

      • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

        Well, scientist for a pharmaceutical company…I should correct myself.  I’m not doing research, sadly, which is my love…I had to give that up because of the lack of a paycheck.  Yes, researchers think I’m working for Satan himself.

  • http://twitter.com/RaymondRoman Raymond Roman

    Funny thing is I’ve recently done 2 out of 5 of these —  #2 Go on a weekend trip and #3 Amazing Pair of Jeans.

  • GUEST

    If this piece weren’t sponsored by TurboTax, it would’ve read:

    1. Drugs

    2. Drugs

    3. Drugs

    4. Drugs

    5. Drugs

    …or maybe that’s just me, projecting. Spend your paychecks on drugs, guys.

  • macgyver51

    This is pretty much the list I would make… At age 15.

  • Anonymous

    Co-sign ALL of these, especially #1. That was my first purchase when I moved to NY.

  • Annabeth Bonney

    My great grandmother lived in excellent health until she was 97. She attributed her longevity to frequent massages and whole milk. She, however, never wore jeans. In fact, I’m not sure she wore pants at all… oh, southern women.

    I think you’re on to something here Ryan!

  • Anonymous

    FUCKIN YES. I completely agree. 

  • Adamcrittenden

    Haiku #11

    You know I’m a hooker
    so I’ll leave you
    for pine trees and a smile.

  • http://twitter.com/fapfapmofo The Bitchrake

    5 paycheques on a bed is a lot. My Queen bed cost me just over 2 paycheques (at the time) and I wasn’t making very much. No way would I have spent nearly $1800 on a bed.

  • Anonymous

    It’s my life ambition to own a Caesar size bed.  Treat yourself Ryan!

  • blob

    Sponsored by TurboTax? Seriously, Ryan?

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