A Few Ways To Say "I Hate You"

Delete someone off your Facebook. I’ve never done this before but apparently it’s all the rage these days. Once you remove someone from Facebook, you’re basically saying “You’re dead to me. You don’t get to look at my vacation photos from Aspen, Colorado. You don’t get to lurk who I’m dating. You will NEVER know when I’m loving the weather, hating the weather, or feeling “meh” about the weather. You lost those privileges when you became a jerk!” Um, I don’t know about you guys but if someone deleted me off their Facebook I would be overjoyed. In what bizarre world is this seen as a punishment? Go ahead. Delete me! (Creepy Tragic Girl From High School, you can stay.)

Don’t invite someone to a party where you’ll take millions of pictures and post them all over the Internet. Nothing says “Screw you!” like an IRL party that’s promoted heavily online. You can be even way harsh Tai and write captions underneath the photos that read “ME AND MY BEST FRIENDS ALL IN ONE ROOM. BEST NIGHT EVER.” You’ll probably get some passive-agressive comment from the person you neglected to invite that says “Sounds like a fun party…” But whatever. All’s fair in love and PaRtYInG.

Tell someone they look healthy. Or ask them if they’ve lost weight. It’s the ultimate backhanded compliment. At first, they’ll be like “Oh my god, I look skinny!” Then the smile will fade and they’ll start to wonder if that means you thought they were fat. To me, telling someone they look healthy is worse though. A family friend once said that to me and I ran down the street screaming and crying, pulling fistfuls of my hair out.

Never save someone’s number in your phone. Get texts from them that ask what you’re doing tonight and respond “Who’s this? New phone…” You’ll invariably get a text back that’s like “Um, hello! It’s so-and-so!” They’re offended. They know you don’t have a new phone. You just didn’t want to save their number because that would mean that they existed and mattered. (Note: I actually do this all the time. Not because I don’t like the person but because I’m the laziest human being alive. Sometimes it’s because I hate them though.)

Introduce yourself to someone who you’ve already met. Okay, I DO NOT condone this behavior but if you really want to let someone know that you don’t care about them, this is the way to do it. As someone who suffers from an undiagnosed case of face blindness, I’m guilty of doing this so many times. But it’s not because I don’t like the person! It’s because it takes me 45 seconds to remember who the hell they are. Before I get a chance to focus, they scoff at me and are like “Um, we’ve met!”, leaving me to feel like a giant asshole. Because people actually do this kind of stuff on purpose! They’re evil and give us folk who suffer from face blindness a bad rep! I’m not an asshole, I swear. I just have brain damage. TC mark

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

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  • steph

    way harsh Tai. – brilliant reference! i actually heard cher’s voice when reading it

  • m.j. corey

    this was hilarious and 2 tru 

  • dal

    Guilty of all of the above. And I loved every second.

  • h-may

    ” To me, telling someone they look healthy is worse though. A family friend once said that to me and I ran down the street screaming and crying, pulling fistfuls of my hair out.”
    I really wish you would stop asserting yourself as the voice of twenty-something America, because when you write stuff like this you kind of imply that we’re all as batshit insane as you are.
    And it won’t do to hide behind the whole “BUT IRONYYYY” deal. PROTIP: If you didn’t do such a good job writing ironically that the reader could tell, then you didn’t write ironically.

    • Anonymous

      Pretty sure Ryan isn’t claiming to be the voice of the youth, but whatever. Hate away if you so choose.

      • Betoknee

        what the hell are you even trying to say? Ryan is the shit either way- we should delete you off this comment page-HA!

  • http://twitter.com/PatrishCee Patricia Capiral

    i fucking LOVE you ryan

  • Anonymous

    Oops…I’m 5 for 5 and never considered how others might think me mean. I’m a horrible biznatch. 

  • justsayin.

    you sound very immature for a 25 year old.

  • Sara

    Oh my god once I did that- introduced myself to this girl I met. Because I simply forgot! She didn’t talk!!! Anyway she wa super upset, understandably if someone did that to me I’d be cut. Now its become a running joke betweeny friends because I always seem to forget her name. I can remember it now… For some reason I always think its Steph.. Hmm

  • Guest

    Ryan, you’re THE BEST.

  • Sarah

    I haven’t even finished this yet because the second I saw the Clueless reference, I momentarily blacked out from joy and when I came to, I was writing this comment.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1672472627 Amrita Tapadia

    My personal favourite – Deleting them from facebook and pretending that I don’t have their numbers saved in my contacts list 

    Always works wonders!! :D 

  • hrfe

    I once had a girl straight up tell me she hated me so I unfriended her on Facebook (after like a month). We have talked exactly once since then and she spent the majority of the time badgering me about why I did that cause it was so mean and uncalled for… um, hello?

    • Guest

      give her a reason to hate you.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=506498512 Leah Cox

    I have “delete people from facebook” days every so often.
    People from school who sent friend requests. People who didn’t give a fuck about me and visa versa.
    It’s amazing the amount of people who will send yet another friend request despite being deleted.

  • http://twitter.com/gypzAndy AndreaCarmona

    LMAO! Genius! Love it. 

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