1. People who can dance
The only thing I accomplish on the dance floor is scaring everyone who’s in a five mile radius of me. I’m not a black swan. Hell, I’m not even a Jessica Simpson. I can’t dance for crap which feels practically sinful for a gay dude. We apparently L-O-V-E to dance. We hit the floor and dance until the club shuts down and/or we run out of drugs! (JK!) Except for me, of course. I just stand in the corner until I’ve consumed enough alcohol to shut down my liver. Then I mosey on over to my friends who can dance and do this halfhearted wobbly thing that looks like a dying glitter rainbow. It sucks. If someone asks me to dance, I just scream and attempt to moonwalk out of there. When I see people effortlessly shaking their ass I get so jealous and sad. Why couldn’t I blessed with good moves? The only dance parties I have are in the privacy of my room and even those probably terrify the neighbors.
2. People who have a lot of sex. Like a lot of it.
A few of my friends have a lot of sex. They go on dates with new people every week and are always sleeping with SOMEONE. They’re so blase about it that they don’t even feel the need to mention it. It’s just expected that they’re always having sex. With me, however, it’s the opposite. When I get lucky, I have to make a (private) Facebook event invitation for all of my friends that says, “The “Ryan O’Connell Had Sex Last Night” Brunch.” Are you attending because I NEED to talk about it. Okay, I’m 75% kidding about that but still. I’m fascinated and envious of people who always manage to have healthy amounts of sex. I want to know how they do it but I also just want them to go far away from me so I can stop feeling bad about myself.
3. People who are always in a relationship
This is obviously an extension of that last type of person. But on the real, how do people manage to jump from relationship to relationship so seamlessly? They tell you things like “The longest I’ve ever been single is like a month!” and you examine them, hoping to unearth some secret to their success but you can’t. In fact the “always in a relationship” person is usually only medium-cute but they clearly have something that attracts long-term relationships. Getting a BF/GF has always been super easy for them and they can’t understand anything different. I know I shouldn’t feel insecure about this. Usually these people are insecure themselves and can’t stand being alone. But whatever. Emotionally, I’m devastated by their ability to get into relationships like it ain’t no thang.
Oh, you grew up really wealthy with summer homes? You’re family friends with the Kennedy’s? Cool, my parents have no friends. We barely had a year-round home, let alone a summer one. But I’m really happy that guys go to Maine every summer and have family reunions and stuff. I’m glad that your mom wears Isabel Marant and you have Christmas dinner at The Four Seasons. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m meeting my inadequacies for dinner at Red Lobster.
5. People who are invited to “cool kid” parties
To be fair, these people are usually douchebags with a capital D. Seriously, 80% of the time I hang out with someone who’s a stupid It Girl (it’s happened like twice), I’m always shocked by how dull they are. They just sit there blank faced, talking about their ex-boyfriend drama or whether or not someone can get coke and I’m just like “Can you go back to the Internet? I like you better there.” But I can’t help but be a little jealous when peers of mine are friends with super cool writers and musicians while I’m just at home listening to shoegaze in the bathtub for the millionth time. HOW DO I BREAK IN TO THIS CROWD? Does it involve leaving my apartment? Because I just don’t know how I feel about that…