5 TV Shows That Will Make You Feel Like A Normal Well-Adjusted Person

1. My Strange Addiction

God bless A & E for continuing to bring the most insane people into our lives each week. On My Strange Addiction, we get to meet people who are addicted to their gargantuan breasts, tentacle-like toenails, and my personal favorite, their  car! Did you guys see that episode? A guy is in a legit serious relationship with his car. Like he has sex with it and everything. Woof! Talk about a bad lay. The car doesn’t do anything. It just sits there. Har, har, har, har! No, but seriously, can you believe people like this even exist?! My strange addiction (crying in dressing rooms) pales in comparison to these people’s. I take solace in knowing that I will NEVER have sex with a car. (Unless someone gave me $100,000 dollars. In which case, all bets are off.)

2. Intervention

While on the subject of A & E and addiction, how could I not mention my beloved Intervention?! If you’ve ever woken up after a bender and thought to yourself “Gee, maybe I should stop drinking and/or doing drugs!”, just have an Intervention marathon. After watching people guzzle mouthwash, smoke crack in an alleyway, and pass out in a sewage pipe, you’ll breathe a sigh of relief and be like, “JK, I’m fine!” (Am I the only one who drinks wine while watching this show?)

3. The Kandi Factory

The Kandi Factory was an hour and half special that aired on Bravo this week. I know your ass didn’t watch it because GCB was on at the same time but you must! Kandi Burruss—relevant reality star, irrelevant songwriter, current sex toy maker—picked two wannabe singers and put them through one week of pop star boot camp. After they each recorded a song Kandi had written for them,  learned “complex” choreography and got a makeover, they performed their song to a live audience of hired extras. Whoever performed their song the best got to release their single, record a music video, and have bigger delusions of grandeur! Look, the premise of this special is inherently flawed. Throughout the whole show, Kandi and her team of “professionals” tell their proteges “DO YOU WANT THIS BAD ENOUGH? BECAUSE AFTER THIS, YOU’RE GOING TO BE A STAR!” And of course the two singers (one of whom can’t sing a single note, the other is simply adequate) start crying and screaming “I want this more than anything! This is going to change my life!” Um, newsflash. It’s a special on Bravo starring Kandi Burruss. It’s not going to change anything. Maybe you’ll get recognized by a gay guy while working at a yogurt shop but that’s it. Because if Kandi Burruss can’t make herself into a star, how is she ever going to make you into one? Watching these deluded hopefuls made me feel thankful to be grounded in reality. I know that the only way you can become famous today is by releasing a sex tape or writing a book about white women with lots of feelings. I plan to do both.

4. Toddlers & Tiaras

Watch an episode of Toddlers & Tiaras, call your mother and tell her the following: “Mom, I know I was a bitch to you in high school. And that you used to get drunk sometimes and pass out in the potted plants. But I just want to say thank you for never making me participate in pageants. I want to say thank you for never making me dress like a 35-year-old hooker in a room full of pedophiles. Thank you for letting me eat whatever I wanted. And thank you for letting me pee my pants till the age of ten.”

5. The Hills

I watch The Hills and beyond being grateful for my well-adjusted personality, I’m thankful for being able to speak words that…eventually come out of my mouth. I’m thankful for being able to have an engaging conversation with my friends at lunch. I mean, did these girls just give each other blank stares for six years?! I don’t get it. They actually were incapable of having meaningful dialogue with each other. Whenever you thought the conversation was going somewhere, they’d be drowned out by a Paramore song and the episode would end. If I had to sit through a lunch where my friends just went “You look pretty! I love your bracelet! Yeah….so….” I would scream bloody murder and run into oncoming traffic. And that’s saying a lot, considering I’ve already been hit by a car. TC mark

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Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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More From Thought Catalog

  • Yamuna

    ” the only way you can become famous today is by releasing a sex tape or writing a book about white women with lots of feelings. I plan to do both.” I love you Ryan. This is brilliant. I’ve never laughed harder. :) 

  • http://twitter.com/PatrishCee Patricia Capiral

    spot on with The Hills. Very good call hahaha

  • Anonymous

    wait this was really funny 

  • salt salt n pepa

    Kandi Burress is hardly an irrelevant songwriter.  Although I guess to a 25 year old hipster, she is. 

  • Diana

    I would just like to say I love everything you write and actually talk about your stuff all the time. (The letter to Snooki’s baby? lolllll) I usually come off accidentally as a hipster, though, because I end up getting blank stares and have to say “ohhh..you’ve never read Thought Catalog..? never mind..”

  • Guest

    you forgot about Shameless.. that show is fucked beyond all belief 

  • Einstein

    As America’s dumbest man, I loved this post. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

    Queer as Folk….and Glee.

  • Strong Island

    I’d like to add any reality show that features New Jersey.

    ie. The Jersey Shore, Jerseylicious, Glam Fairy, etc, etc. 

    These awful programs full of orange-faced people make it exceedingly important that I correct people when they say that I’m from Jersey.

    Nay nay, boo boo. I’m from Long Island. (So sad.)

    • Guest

      Most of the people on those shows are from Long Island or Staten Island, so your point lacks merit. 

  • Sophia

    aaaah so true about Toddlers and Tiaras. that show genuinely freaks me out.

  • Guestropod

    I would have sex with a car for like… a pack of cigarettes.  Won’t hurt me none.  

  • Pinion

    I don’t watch TV but this was hilarious. I’m not sure why, though. I suppose because someone’s mother passing out in some potted plants is just the best. 

  • http://twitter.com/SongUpInMyHead Jenny Williamson

    “A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila.” And yet I couldn’t stop watching.

  • A-W

     The Hills is basically my meditation. Watching Lauren Conrad raise her eyebrows and drink iced beverages is oddly centering.

  • http://twitter.com/tannnyaya Tanya Salyers

    I preferred Laguna…seemed there was a little more depth ;)

  • Nick

    For those of you, and Ryan, who find #1 as creepy and fascinating as I do, check out Cronenberg’s “Crash” (1996). It’s about a bunch of crazy horny Canadians who have car-crash fetishes. Super weird movie but arguably  better than that 2004 mess with Sandra Bullock.

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