1. My Strange Addiction
God bless A & E for continuing to bring the most insane people into our lives each week. On My Strange Addiction, we get to meet people who are addicted to their gargantuan breasts, tentacle-like toenails, and my personal favorite, their car! Did you guys see that episode? A guy is in a legit serious relationship with his car. Like he has sex with it and everything. Woof! Talk about a bad lay. The car doesn’t do anything. It just sits there. Har, har, har, har! No, but seriously, can you believe people like this even exist?! My strange addiction (crying in dressing rooms) pales in comparison to these people’s. I take solace in knowing that I will NEVER have sex with a car. (Unless someone gave me $100,000 dollars. In which case, all bets are off.)
While on the subject of A & E and addiction, how could I not mention my beloved Intervention?! If you’ve ever woken up after a bender and thought to yourself “Gee, maybe I should stop drinking and/or doing drugs!”, just have an Intervention marathon. After watching people guzzle mouthwash, smoke crack in an alleyway, and pass out in a sewage pipe, you’ll breathe a sigh of relief and be like, “JK, I’m fine!” (Am I the only one who drinks wine while watching this show?)
3. The Kandi Factory
The Kandi Factory was an hour and half special that aired on Bravo this week. I know your ass didn’t watch it because GCB was on at the same time but you must! Kandi Burruss—relevant reality star, irrelevant songwriter, current sex toy maker—picked two wannabe singers and put them through one week of pop star boot camp. After they each recorded a song Kandi had written for them, learned “complex” choreography and got a makeover, they performed their song to a live audience of hired extras. Whoever performed their song the best got to release their single, record a music video, and have bigger delusions of grandeur! Look, the premise of this special is inherently flawed. Throughout the whole show, Kandi and her team of “professionals” tell their proteges “DO YOU WANT THIS BAD ENOUGH? BECAUSE AFTER THIS, YOU’RE GOING TO BE A STAR!” And of course the two singers (one of whom can’t sing a single note, the other is simply adequate) start crying and screaming “I want this more than anything! This is going to change my life!” Um, newsflash. It’s a special on Bravo starring Kandi Burruss. It’s not going to change anything. Maybe you’ll get recognized by a gay guy while working at a yogurt shop but that’s it. Because if Kandi Burruss can’t make herself into a star, how is she ever going to make you into one? Watching these deluded hopefuls made me feel thankful to be grounded in reality. I know that the only way you can become famous today is by releasing a sex tape or writing a book about white women with lots of feelings. I plan to do both.
4. Toddlers & Tiaras
Watch an episode of Toddlers & Tiaras, call your mother and tell her the following: “Mom, I know I was a bitch to you in high school. And that you used to get drunk sometimes and pass out in the potted plants. But I just want to say thank you for never making me participate in pageants. I want to say thank you for never making me dress like a 35-year-old hooker in a room full of pedophiles. Thank you for letting me eat whatever I wanted. And thank you for letting me pee my pants till the age of ten.”
5. The Hills
I watch The Hills and beyond being grateful for my well-adjusted personality, I’m thankful for being able to speak words that…eventually come out of my mouth. I’m thankful for being able to have an engaging conversation with my friends at lunch. I mean, did these girls just give each other blank stares for six years?! I don’t get it. They actually were incapable of having meaningful dialogue with each other. Whenever you thought the conversation was going somewhere, they’d be drowned out by a Paramore song and the episode would end. If I had to sit through a lunch where my friends just went “You look pretty! I love your bracelet! Yeah….so….” I would scream bloody murder and run into oncoming traffic. And that’s saying a lot, considering I’ve already been hit by a car.