1. Chronic misunderstandings
People misunderstanding each other and having a general lack of communication are the bread and butter of TV and film. Someone assumes something or mishears a conversation and all of a sudden we have a conflict that fuels an entire episode or movie. This might’ve been more plausible in the ’60s and ’70s when people communicated mostly via smoke signals but it’s not possible in 2012. With texting, Twitter, and Facebook, there are no misunderstandings. We always know EXACTLY what’s going on. Any confusion can simply be cleared up via text or seeing where someone’s checked in on FourSquare. We no longer have the LUXURY to be misunderstood.
2. The dorky girl getting the hot guy in high school
Listen, I’m a firm believer in thinking that someone is NEVER out of your league. Unless you’re a homeless person trying to bone Brad Pitt, you can pretty much have sex with whoever you want if you put your mind to it. High school, however, is a different story. There are dating rules everyone must abide by, one of them being that the jock will never date the resident art freak. He won’t just develop a conscience overnight and realize that the geeky girl will be a total babe in 2.5 years and is actually a lot cooler than his cheerleading girlfriend. No way, it’s their job to reject people who are less popular and preserve the antiquated social order. So, yeah, I call major BS on something like Samantha Baker and Jake Ryan getting together at the end of Sixteen Candles. First of all, if this were real life, Jake Ryan would’ve been a total dick. In the movie, he’s portrayed as being over the whole popularity thing, secretly sensitive and so misunderstood. Um, no. The real Jake Ryan would’ve been a misogynistic bully that laughed in the face of a girl like Molly Ringwald. Second of all, he wouldn’t have just pawned off his hot blonde girlfriend on Anthony Michael Hall to get with Sam. If this were college, maybe the two would’ve met in their English Literature class and bonded over some dopey author. Sam would think to herself, “This guy is legitimately retarded but after being a social outcast for so long, I deserve to date someone dumb and hot.” And Jake would’ve been down because Sam seems smart and pretty, the kind of girl he should marry or whatever. It would work then but it wouldn’t have worked in high school.
3. People never having money problems
Unless a movie is specifically about the hardships of poverty, money is NEVER factored into a movie or TV show’s plot. Everyone just has a lot of it! They have a great job and a nice apartment. They’re comfortably bohemian bougie. They can afford a dream kitchen with expensive appliances and have a luxurious bed because they make a good salary as someone who, um, does something vague in a chic, well-lit office.
4. People get in terrible accidents and survive unscathed
Maybe this is a sensitive topic for me, seeing as how I was just CLIPPED by a speeding car and almost died, but I’m so tired of Hollywood showing people get hit by buses and cars and surviving only with a scratch and a hilarious neck brace. If this were real life, they would be dead as a doornail! Like dead instantly. No funny brace on their body, just them being featured in a coffin. End scene/life.
5. Your life’s progress can be measured by an inspiring montage
I wonder if my life would seem more exciting if it received the occasional montage. Set to the uplifting song “Perfect Day” by Hoku, it would be a series of shots of me laughing in the park with my friends, hanging out on a stoop, laughing at some joke in a crowded restaurant, getting food out of someone’s teeth and then dry humping them in my bedroom, crying in my living room, attending a kickboxing class and, finally, staring at the Statue Of Liberty. Wouldn’t that make my life seem cool? I typically prefer real life to movies but I wouldn’t turn down the occasional life montage.