Why We Shouldn't Be So Judgmental When It Comes To Dating

Face it, we’re just a bunch of judgmental divas when it comes to looking for a mate, aren’t we? Now, when we try online dating, we X people out of our lives before they ever enter them. It could be for something as simple as revealing that your favorite book is The Secret or that, when it comes to music, you like everything but country. One wrong move and you’re gone! Poof! On to other bigger and better people!

This is all done in order to help narrow your search down but sometimes I feel like we let it hurt us more than help. We’re given free rein to have as many dealbreakers as we want. One misstep and someone is withdrawn from consideration. Why? Because we believe that there are SO many other options. So many other user profiles that could better fit your interests. So, yeah, let’s discard the “everything but country” guy. We can afford it! Why not?!

More and more, it seems like we’re getting in our own way when it comes to finding a BF/GF. Online dating, in particular, allows you to meet a wide array of people and have new experiences but instead, we freak out and create arbitrary rules to prevent us from actually liking someone. It’s hard to admit that maybe you’re the problem, you’re the one who is keeping yourself curled up with Netflix on a Saturday night. “WHO ME? Well, I’m sorry if I don’t want to go on a date with someone who quotes the Dalai Lama!” Well, who does make the cut? Someone who likes “cool” bands and posts hazy pictures of themselves riding bikes, and has a heightened sense of self-awareness? Someone exactly like you? Boring. The fun thing about dating different people is trying on unique dynamics. Go on a date with the Dali Lama person! Why not? What do you have to lose? Being interested in carbon copies of yourself is obviously not getting you anywhere. For a long time, I thought that if a boy liked The Smiths it meant that we were, like, soul mates or something. And guess what?! I was wrong! Crappy people can love The Smiths just as much as I do!

I’m not suggesting something as extreme as going on a date with a diehard Christian if you’re an atheist. What I’m saying is that you should keep an open mind. The last person I would want to be with is another writer who is just like me, likes the same music, tells the same jokes. I want someone whose strengths are my weaknesses and vice versa. Someone I can have common ground with but also still learn a lot from. That’s something we often forget — differences can often be just as important as similarities. With online dating, we’re given a buffet of people and we need to stop sticking to what we know. Sometimes you meet the best kind of people when you let yourself be uncomfortable and take a risk. I’ve formed strong bonds with people I would’ve never expected to because I took off my Judge Judy glasses for a sec and let myself be open-minded.

The next time someone reaches out to you for a date online, take a second to see what they’re all about before you’re just like “Ew. Weird font choice and likes The Fray?!! Goodbye!” Say “yes” to someone you would’ve said “no” to and see what happens. Honestly, you have nothing to lose. And if they turn out to be a creep, you can take solace in knowing that you’re always right as you curl up to another Saturday night Netflix k-hole. TC mark

image – Masahiro Hayata

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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  • http://twitter.com/evelyne_perry Evelyne

    Ryan O’Connell, get out of my brain. You’re just amazing, and everything you say is spot-on.

    • Sela

      So true, I’ve been on both ends of the spectrum: dating someone I had loades of stuff in common with and someone I would’ve never considered being with too. Both relationships were such an eye-opener for me. But I totally agree with you, Ryan.

  • Myra

    You read my mind.

  • http://www.facebook.com/akoroknai Andrea Koroknai

    this is great, and i must say i wholeheartedly agree. in the age of “dump the motherfucker already” and “just not into you” which all of course make valid points, but i think some people go overboard and become judgemental instead of just being assertive and having standards

    “For a long time, I thought that if a boy liked The Smiths it meant that we were, like, soul mates or something. And guess what?! I was wrong! 

     i found that out the hard way as well, it wasn’t the Smiths:) but you get the point

  • drewhouse

    after seeing this, my friend, a current dating website user, felt it necessary to clarify the body-type descriptions for dating site: 
    ”Athletic
    & toned” =
    I’ve broken a sweat at some point in the last year

    ”Slender” = flat/tomboyish

    “About average” = cottage cheese (2% milkfat) in not-wonderful areas

    “Curvy” / “I’ll tell you later” = yowzaa! / 4% cottage cheese all-too-prevalent

    “A few extra pounds” = ideal date is movie / couch / salted-cured meats
    such as corned beef and pastrami…or greasy asian food…or fried fish of some
    sort / ben & jerry’s pint (which she may or may not share)

    • jlawsoul

      you’re a dick

    • http://www.facebook.com/akoroknai Andrea Koroknai

      this is exactly the kind of judgemental behavior he’s talking about, in fact, you’re already judging without even having seen the person, way to go

  • Anonymous

    Totally true. People always assume the grass is always greener somewhere else, especially in this age of immediate gratification and twitteresque short attention spans.

    Their loss.

  • Oscar

    You spelled ‘dalai’ wrong the second time, and there I would never date you!

  • angel

    Does ‘Netflix k-hole’ have an entry in urban dictionary yet?

  • Sophia

    this is so true! and it goes for real-life dating just as much as for online dating. just because a guy dresses strangely, or listens to music that isn’t really your style doesn’t mean he isn’t perfectly wonderful on the inside, which is what counts.

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