Thought Catalog

Ten Things I've Learned From Watching Pretentious Indie Films

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  1. Pretty girls are really depressed. Like all the time. It’s a strange phenomenon and we must start giving it as much attention as humanly possible. PEOPLE ARE IGNORING THE SAD PRETTY GIRL EPIDEMIC AND IT MUST END NOW. Oh, how will we ever make them happier though? We don’t even know why they’re depressed in the first place. We just understand that they like to lie in bathtubs (even when it’s their wedding day), wear flowing dresses, and sleep on the grass, in the shower, or on a football field. It’s truly terrifying.
  2. When people joke about the Internet or make any reference to the present day, it’s very funny.
  3. If you want to let someone know that you like them, you should act mildly autistic. Instead of actually talking to your crush, pass notes back and forth. Be like, “I’m sorry. I have laryngitis!” and do a scribbly unhappy face to get sympathy. The other person will think this is endearing and decide to marry you in a cornfield while holding a ukelele.
  4. You’re not allowed to act mad or show any display of emotion that can’t be conveyed in a quirky half-smile.
  5. Are you feeling too lazy to say anything meaningful? No worries! Just play “Sea Of Love” by Cat Power and walk around a park with a sour expression on your face. It’s basically the same thing. No, wait, it’s better.
  6. Gay people are NOT a big deal. And you know what?! I’m so tired of the stereotypes. Sometimes gay guys can fall in love and behave like normal people. I know it’s a controversial idea but I don’t care because that’s what indie filmmaking is all about! To challenge these preconceived notions of sexuality. Judo chop!
  7. Everyone in the whole world is white, cultured and lives in New York or LA. Unless they’re poor. In which case, they might not be white and they probably live in a war torn country somewhere. I mean, IDK. Wait, what was the question again?
  8. Terrible things happen to good people and it’s terrible. Here’s a five minute shot of them swimming in a lake.
  9. Did you know that people live in small towns and have their own life struggles? No? Well, that’s embarrassing for you. Go watch an indie movie or something. Get cultured.
  10. Sometimes people fall out of love for no reason. Like there’s no infidelity or some evil person trying to break up the relationship. Life happens, you get older, and you just drift apart. No, I know. It’s crazy. TC mark

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    • Anon

      I don’t think you know what pretentious means.

      P.S 2deep4u

    • Hazel

      What movie has ‘Sea of Love’ and depicts aimless park-wandering?

      • guestie

        juno?

    • memelord

      “If you want to let someone know that you like them, you should act mildly autistic. Instead of actually talking to your crush, pass notes back and forth.”

      um this is unironically good advice

    • MP9090909

      “Everyone in the whole world is white, cultured and lives in New York or
      LA. Unless they’re poor. In which case, they might not be white and they
      probably live in a war torn country somewhere. I mean, IDK. Wait, what
      was the question again?”

      The most accurate statement.

    • Kmozy87

      I thought of all of this stuff before you did. 

    • http://twitter.com/ShinyAndrea alkthatcher

      Someone should do a roundup of his references here. What movies is he talking about in each number. Go!

    • Miles Vine

      seems you’ve mistaken “bad” for “indie”

      • coco

        they’re not exactly mutually exclusive

    • A-W

      Judo-Chop!

    • Hawkes

      I didn’t read the author’s name before reading this piece and by the time I got to number 3 I knew it was you, Ryan. Nail on head again! x

    • Anonymous

      i feel like this is a pretty tired trope already. and i wouldn’t lump ‘beginners’ into this category of stereotypical ‘indie’ films (which i assume you are with the ‘i have laryngitis sad face’ reference. 

    • Sophia

      #10 is so (500) Days of Summer. yes? no?

      • Nora R

        felt like Blue Valentine.

    • Oitextosoi

      Whisper words of wisdom.

    • Sarah

      How long did it take you to write this half-assed pedestrian article? I love TC, but this is like a fourteen-year-old’s take on “pretentious indie films.”

      • GB

        U mad?

    • Joanna

      #1 is definitely melancholia

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Hannah-Moire/100002582319456 Hannah Moire

        Could also been the Virgin Suicides

    • AraGzz

      Dandelion!

    • Amélie

      This genuinely made me laugh. You also could’ve pointed out the fact that people have some sort of filter stuck on their eyes that makes eveything look golden and sun struck (especially while lazing under a willow tree or aimlessly strolling down a forest path). It’s like a biological holga photoshop effect or something. Wish I could get that.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Christopher-Fischer/100002422942546 Christopher Fischer

      Either I don’t get your references/irony this time or for the first time we’re not on the same page. Not that something is wrong with that, just saying…

      In my opinion Melancholia isn’t an indie movie but I still like it very much…

      I think Beginners is a beautiful flick, maybe my favourite of  2011.

      At least the hetero-parts are amazing, can’t really say something about the gay plot…

    • s.

      oh ryan, you’re such a fucking hipster.

       there’s nothing you can do about it, btw…

    • guest

      While these are mildly amusing and truthful observations, they lack any real depth. This is the TC equivalent of LOLCATS. No, Ryan, you can not haz mai cheezburger. 

    • guesty testy

      I must ask, why the hell is this tagged under “Gay Culture?” There was only one reference to the LGBT community, which was as shallow as a petri dish. An author being gay doesn’t make an article part of gay culture, no more than Kanye West being black means all his fans are black, too. In fact I’m pretty sure his concerts are more white than Wilco concerts. It’s like saying my bed is a human being because for a small fraction of a day, a human (sometimes two…) lies on it. 

      • Jackj70

        I doubt wilco has a more diverse crowd than Kanye.

    • Elana1

      I’m sorry, this is not well-written and makes little sense…

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