I'm Not Going To Love You Forever (Just FYI)

Honey, I have to tell you something. Can you turn the music down? It’s serious. Okay, now sit down. Are you ready? Okay.

I’m going to hate you one day. I’m going to despise every fiber of your being. I’ll wince when you touch me in the foyer after a long day at work. I’ll lose desire for your penis, your arms, your teeth, your earlobes. I’m going to stop believing everything you tell me. I’m going to draw the blinds, take a nap, and never wake up again. And there is nothing you can do about it. Not a damn thing.

Please don’t cry. It’s not today! I don’t hate you yet. In fact, I still love you. I don’t wince in the foyer at your touch, not even a little bit, and I’m still very much enamored with your genitalia. But it was the funniest thing really. The other day, when we were lying in bed, I felt a cold chill rush through my body and that’s when I knew this wasn’t forever with a capital F. I felt this cold chill in my last relationship. It’s my body’s way of telling my heart to bulk up because heartbreak is on its way.

I think it’s going to be your fault though. Your actions will be the reason why I’ll eventually hate you. I know that you’re a cold man. It didn’t seem like it when we first met but the more I look around inside of you, I realize just how chilly you are. It’s a quiet emotional distance, hard to pinpoint, which makes it all the more difficult to fix. It’s the way you turn away from me in bed five minutes too early, or fail to notice when I’m upset with you. I don’t think you understand people. Or maybe you understand them all too well and don’t care to know more.

You’re still crying but I almost feel like they’re crocodile tears. You don’t know what to do with me when I’m here. You only know what to do when I’m gone. If you could spoon on a long-distance phone call, you wouldn’t turn away from me five minutes early. You’re more comfortable loving me at a distance, when I’m contained, but you seem flustered when I try to give myself all of you.

Oh, what a terrible thing this all is! I shouldn’t have told you. I acknowledge that was a little screwed up of me, but then again, I’m screwed up! After all, I picked you, didn’t I? Granted, you’re better than the last one. You’re not openly terrible but the similarities are unavoidable. I picked the wrong person to love again. I continued the cycle. I still feel comfortable loving people more than they love me back. Fabulous! The good news is, I guess, that I’ll get over you and move on.

When I hate you, you’re going to finally love me. That’s how these things usually work, right? I pull away after getting no response, which makes you attentive all of a sudden. Well, guess what? No thanks. When I hate you, you’re not allowed to touch me or want me or talk to me. You have an all-access pass to me now and you don’t even use it, so I’m revoking your membership. Bye-bye.

I’ll enjoy hating you. When I do, it will mean that I love myself a little bit more. So just let me do that. Let me love myself.

Phew. I feel so much better telling you this. Wanna do Thai for dinner? TC mark

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.


More From Thought Catalog

  • http://cathyespiritu.wordpress.com/ Cathy

    It’s sad isn’t it? Hating that one person we once thought we can’t live without.

  • Rachel

    The only thing sadder than hating them is feeling absolutely nothing towards them.

    • Myjohnsonis12incheslong

      this reminds me of a poem i wrote in ninth grade- it was called “The only thing sadder than hating them is feeling absolutely nothing towards them” – those were some dark times. 

  • Devi

    Great piece – it’s crazy the universality of feelings, emotions and situations. This could be a materialization of my subconscious thoughts. Love it Ryan!

  • http://twitter.com/scruzz Shawn

    I was a bit iffy at the beginning… it sounded incredibly self-centered and flippant. It wasn’t until the end that I realized you’re basically ripping my thoughts straight my mind.

    Though I still think that declaring someone to not be “Forever” is pretty selfish, it’s really being self-centered in the right kind of way; as you’ve mentioned, it’s a step to a better love of self.

    ” You have an all-access pass to me now and you don’t even use it, so I’m revoking your membership. Bye-bye.” <— My new mantra.

    • Emailio Addresstevez

      you go girl!

      • http://twitter.com/scruzz Shawn

        Thanks sisterfriend!!!!!!!!!!!!1111

  • Myjohnsonis12incheslong

    Jeez, will you guys lighten up? You’re all like 22 year olds living in Brooklyn and blacking out on PBR every night, waking up at noon, and blogging (when not eating delicious foods made with artisinal ingrediants) – what’s with all the existential angst? Didn’t you move from wisconson or whereever the fuck you’re from to get away from all that and just be amazing? Besides everyone knows love can be restored to any relationship with the simple addition of a young hairless asian man with delicate hands, soft, flowing hair, and a svelte figure. ANY relationship. BOO YAH!

    • guest


  • Guest

    Never related so thoroughly to a thought catalog post. Are you in my brain?

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=553623063 Deb Hwan

    The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.

    • Mitch

      Right, but how are you supposed to get “indifference” tattooed on your knuckles? 

      • Guestropod

        so true

    • em

      The correct punctuation in your comment is not a comma; it’s a semicolon.

  • Emallthetime

    This is ridiculous, honestly some of these post are beyond abysmal and all indescribably whinny. Perhaps reflective and even thoughtful, but most of the posts are just whinny journal entries. Not loving some one forever only translate to hate as a result of immaturity.

    • whinnyon


  • albert

    So cynical.

  • Ellie Higginbottom

    I recently told my old haunt that I wouldn’t leave my boyfriend for him to have a wonderful, genius writer lovechild and, then, get married because I know what forever looks like. That’s what I said. I don’t know if I meant it, but it sounded good.

  • http://twitter.com/iamsubmerged Jordana Bevan

    This was an important thing to write, but it’s too colloquial and jokey. It kinda seems like you try to make all these serious topics into jokes instead of actually dealing with them. Meh. But I like it. And it’s obvi relevant: valentine’s dai <33

  • http://www.facebook.com/black.moon.ghost.girl Moon Temple

    This is scary

  • sgi

    This article was awkward for me to read for two reasons. One, because of the tone of the article (Oh I’m so angsty and beautiful, JK love me 4-eva) and two, because of the grammar/syntax/something I can’t put my finger on. Specifically –> “Oh, what a terrible thing this all is!”?!?! Do people really talk like that? 

    I wanted to like this post, I really did, because it’s relatable… But I just can’t. The execution ruined it for me. 

    • http://www.facebook.com/akoroknai Andrea Koroknai

      it was also a little mean and insensitive, but there is a great deal of truth in it…unfortunately

  • sugarxnspice

    You speak from my heart, Ryan.

  • shamed

    kind of painful to accept that you may be right about loving yourself a little more when you begin to enjoy hating someone, but thats a new kind of low, right? 

  • KC

    Old Ryan come back please! New Ryan is annoying.

  • Kait

    Are you ever going to be funny again?

  • You sound really douchey

    In your boyfriend’s defense, it’s probably hard for anyone to love you while your head is so far up your own ass. You can’t ask other people to love you unconditionally, while you openly use them as an emotional crutch, only to cast them aside once your needs are filled, and then say you hate them because they just didn’t appreciate you enough, or some other self-righteous emo bullshit. Ugh, every article of yours that I read just makes me want to punch you in the face for being such a narcissist. Your problems are fucking miniscule, and your whining is far from poetic, get over yourself.

  • J.S. Archie

    Seeing the barrage of comments left by those above, I feel compelled to discharge my own round amidst the chaos of cannon fire. I thought this article was humorous and clever. Being neither a English or sociology major, I discount myself able to speak aptly on how this article delves into those two subjects, on any level other than basic. However, as your average reader, I found this article to be a witty portrayal of what people in relationships must often feel and never say. I felt the execution of its composition was very appropriate for the subject and style of the topic and character. I have never come across the particular subject matter so cannily written. If not original, it was definitely creative. In a nutshell, I liked it and kudos to the author.

  • Sarah

    I understand what you’re saying, but do you think some of it is in your head? How long have you been with this person? You sound a lot like how I think, but its a negative way to live life. If you give people a chance, it will turn out a whole lot better for you. I’m in a long distance relationship now, as well, and I sometimes think that’s the reason why I feel like my boyfriend is distant and detached and sometimes insensitive. It takes a good two years of being together in person to make a good relationship. Just give it a shot.

  • http://theointhecity1.blogspot.com/ Theo

    Not that it is necessarily a healthy way to do relationships, but I’ve been there. 
    “I’ll enjoy hating you. When I do, it will mean that I love myself a little bit more. So just let me do that. Let me love myself.”

  • Britney

    I enjoyed reading this in a somewhat masochistic way. I’ve been there with a lot of guys, and I’ve seen something similar with my current boyfriend. I don’t think it’ll end quite that way, though, so– I don’t know. I love the last part. Thank you for writing this.

  • Thought Catalog

    Reblogged this on toosexyformedia and commented:
    I love this blog:

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    […] I'm Not Going To Love You Forever (Just FYI) | Thought Catalog http://thoughtcatalog.com/Honey, I have to tell you something. Can you turn the music down? It's serious. Okay, now sit down. Are you ready? Okay. I'm going to hate you one day. I'm going to despise every fiber of your being. I'll wince when you touch … […]

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