I’ve talked before about my need to look amazing when I feel like utter crap. Focusing on my appearance actually helps improve my mood because “WHEN YOU LOOK GOOD, YOU FEEL GOOD!” This school of thought also applies to when I’m hungover. Even when I’m in my #darkest post-alcohol shame spiral, I still manage to get my face/ body together and leave the house looking semi-presentable. Here are my tips on how to avoid looking like Jocelyn Wildenstein after a night out.
1. Do a five-minute exfoliating mask
Yeah, that’s right. This piece just got that gay. It’s doing poppers with Demi Moore and l-o-v-i-n-g it. Okay, so let me explain myself. I never cared about anything beauty-related until I started reading Cat Marnell’s posts on xoJane and was like, “Oh, I get it. Beauty products can make you feel and look amazing!” Some of them can anyway. Most of them are actually just overpriced and don’t do anything but Cat’s recommendations have never let me down. My favorite thing she ever introduced me to was the Renée Rouleau Triple Berry Smoothing Peel. It’s this mask that looks and smells like jam, and you rub it all over your face for five to ten minutes, wash it off, and have brand new glowing skin. Ew, writing about beauty products sounds so cheesy but it’s true! Your skin glows! This stuff is super expensive (I asked for it for Christmas and my parents were just like “Uh, okay, Gay Son…) but it lasts forever and it will take your face from “Natasha Lyonne hanging out in Beth Israel” to amazingness. And it only takes ten minutes!
Not only will showering bring you back to life, you can also do the rest of your beauty stuff in there. If you just did the exfoliating mask, you should lather on some daily skin cleanser from Cetaphil. You guys, I did not know how amazing Cetaphil was until two chic dykes in Paris (what is my life?) insisted I start using it. They were right. It moisturizes your skin to perfection and it’s super cheap. Oh and PS. Gwyneth Paltrow is a fan. After that, wash your hair you sicko and maybe masturbate if you have time. A hungover masturbating sesh can sometimes be more important than five exfoliating masks.
You probably won’t have time for this but if you do, I highly recommend it. When I shave, I immediately believe that I’ve tricked the masses into thinking I’m not hungover. How could I be?! Hungover people don’t think to shave the morning after a bender. They’re too busy trying not to puke in a trashcan on the way to work.
4. Wear nice shoes
Look, I don’t care if you want to wear a hoodie with some ripped jeans. That’s fine. Sloppy clothes can be chic, as we know already. Just promise me you’ll wear nice shoes. Maybe a little boot guy? You can seriously get away with wearing a stained t-shirt and jeans. Just don’t wear open-toed sandals, kitten heels, moccasins, etc. Then people will know that you’re in a bad place.
5. Wear a clean scent
Complete your look with a spritz of a very clean perfume. You don’t want it to be overpowering since you might get nauseous. I’m going to be very “WASPy Grandma named Muffy” right now but you should check out
Orange Blossom by Jo Malone. It’s simple and refined. You just smell like you ran through an orange orchard. This one is pretty pricey too but just go to Saks with a foam pillow hidden inside your shirt and just wait until the saleslady asks how far along you are. When you tell her you’re not pregnant, she’ll feel so guilty that she’ll throw in 10,000 samples of the perfume. Trust me. It works.
Ta-daw! You just kicked your hangover’s ass. Now you can walk into work being like, “I’m so hungover. I just rolled out of bed!” And people will be like, “What? You look and smell amazing!” I love lying to people about that kind of stuff. Is that weird?