How To Be A Single Woman In A Mainstream Rom-Com

Have a weird, random dream job that would only exist in a Hollywood script. You’re a product tester of…products, or a “GLAMOROUS” dog walker, or a super chic editor of Chic Magazine located in Loveless Metropolitan City, U.S.A. Your job is your life. In the office, you’re an assertive smart woman but at home, when no one is looking, you open a bottle of wine and become The Sad Wine-Drinking Single Woman. It’s all so terrible. You really feel sympathy watching the fun, sassy career woman dissolve into mush when there’s no hard, throbbing penis greeting her at the door. “Wait, YOU don’t have it all? I’m so confused. The KT Turnstall song and the DVF dress you wore to work today indicated otherwise. Now, I’m interested…”

Have a quirky single sexually-active best friend who drinks a lot and tells you to go out and find a man, dammit! Sometimes she even talks about penises really loud when you’re at brunch and everyone stares. OMG, she’s so inappropriate and wild but, like, don’t you just love her? She’s the funny kooky friend everyone loves to be around! Whenever you get invited to dinner parties, the host asks you, “Can you bring your crazy friend? SHE’S SO FUNNY!” So you do. You bring her and she livens up the whole evening with her antics. These women are married, which means they’re boring and have no zest for life (Incidentally, the goal of this film is for you to join them and be happily married and boring too but whatevs!), so when this free-spirit energy comes barreling through a home where love and monogamy lives, it’s a special treat for everyone! “Look at her, girls! She’s single and saying funny things!”

Be smarter than the average woman. In case you didn’t already know, the average woman is a retarded psycho. They fall for womanizing jerks and get cruelly dumped but it’s okay because they’re nuts and sort of deserve it. Not you though! You’re smarter than that! When you meet your love interest — the womanizing player — you let him know that you’re not one of the slutty, stupid girls he’s used to sleeping with. You’re on to his game! You won’t be won over that easily. Wait, he has amazing eyes though. And you’re so tired of being alone. Maybe one date with a misogynistic jerk won’t hurt. Farewell bottle of wine…

This is when you stop being the strong, single independent woman and start to lose your mind. You put on a good front there for a second, showing this man that you were smarter than all the other girls, but now that you’re developing a crush, you’ve become One Of Them. Some may diagnose you with a case of schizophrenia or bipolar disorder, but nope! You’re just a girl who’s falling in love! Do the following things to show that you’re happy: Dance embarrassingly along to hip-hop in your kitchen alone while in your underwear, gesticulate wildly, call your crazy friend for advice, widen your eyes repeatedly, talk very fast, become a spaz and fall (hilariously) down the stairs, and start to question every aspect of the relationship and/ or yourself. Take down your ratty ponytail (YOU WERE SO UGLY BEFORE WHEN YOU WERE SINGLE, OMG) and get glam.

Tame the misogynistic jerk into a nice guy with only slight misogynistic tendencies. After all, you can’t change a man completely. Now you just find his sexism to be super endearing. Have his male bro friends tease him for becoming whipped. When a man becomes tender and sweet, he is humiliated by everyone around him. It’s really weird and #dark. You celebrate men for mistreating women and condemn them when they change their ways. Um, k.

Have a moment when the man’s whole credibility goes into question. He’s lying to you about something. Maybe he’s actually your ex-boyfriend from high school who’s been made unrecognizable with plastic surgery? Or maybe he’s a Mormon? IDK. Regain your power for a moment and dump him.

Get back together four scenes later after a lot of begging and pleading. All of the misunderstandings are cleared up with some paper-thin excuse, or maybe you’ve just been tasered and your memory has been erased. Whatever the reason, you get back together and suddenly revert back to the powerful woman you were in the beginning but with a boyfriend. Because women can have it all! Because of feminism! Because of… wait, where’s your glass of wine? Can someone put on that song “Hot In Herre”? Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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image – The Ugly Truth

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

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