A Recap Of The Oscars: Starring Angelina Jolie's Starving Right Leg

The Oscars are a night of glamour, glitz, and utter boredom. I was particularly dreading them this year since most of my favorites got snubbed (Shailene Woodley in The Descendants, Albert Brooks in Drive, Ryan Gosling’s body in Crazy Stupid Love). But, as they say, the show must go on, so I plopped down on my couch with approximately 3.5 orders of nachos from San Loco and waited to see what steaming pile of crap Hollywood was going to deliver tonight.

Let’s first start off with the LOL that is E! Red Carpet fashion criticism. Where do they get these people and why are they considered to be an authority on fashion? I love Kelly Osbourne (even more so when she was a bit chunky and on SO MANY PAINKILLERS) but I have no respect for Giuliana Rancic, who hasn’t eaten since she had her mother’s breast milk, and that weird 11-year-old girl from Modern Family who somehow snuck on the panel. At one point, there was also some fashion stylist critiquing Oscar looks who looked like she had just finished having sex with her drug dealer before going to the show. I mean, are you kidding me? A fashion stylist who looks like hell run over twice is almost worse than a bald hairdresser.

There were two amazing moments that occurred during the pre-Oscars Red Carpet. One was watching all of the skinny bitches struggle to give criticism to Melissa McCarthy’s dress without simply saying, “OMG, SHE’S FAT!” The other funny moment was when Sasha Baron Cohen came dressed in character from his latest movie as The Dictator and accidentally/ on purpose spilled ashes all over Ryan “I’ll Give BJS for Christmas” Seacrest’s Burberry suit. Oh my god, homegirl was not having ANY OF IT. Off-camera I’m sure there was a lot of violent sobbing and finger snaps.

Anyway, on to the show. Billy Crystal emerged from his coffin for one night to tell nice, inoffensive jokes. You know what? I liked him. I think Billy Crystal should unfreeze his body more often and join the living. He seems like a good guy. The opening jokes were fine and dandy like cotton candy. However, I couldn’t help but wonder where the Academy left the bodies of Anne Hathaway and James Franco. In my mind, I imagined them being tied up in a broom closet somewhere next to Carrot Top and Gretchen Mol with their Oscar invites being put through the shredder. Sad.

So the first few nominations don’t really matter. They’re all silly categories like “Best Usage Of A Gust Of Wind” and “Best Crying In A Kitchen Scene With Your Maid Who Has Now Been Humanized.” That movie Hugo won a bunch of awards in the beginning and I haven’t even seen it, so bye.

Oh, oh! Octavia Spencer won Best Supporting Actress for her role in The Help, which was special and amazing because black actresses seldom get recognized by the Academy. Let’s hope, however that the next time a black actress wins an Oscar, it’s not for a role that’s so heavily tied in with the color of her skin.

Next up, Angelina Jolie went on stage looking like a couture skeleton to present some award and people didn’t seem to find anything wrong with it. Her arms seemed like they could blow away at any moment and everyone was just too busy getting turned on by her malnourished right leg to notice. Okay, this kind of stuff makes me angry. Melissa McCarthy goes to the Oscars and no one knows what to say about her because she’s fat, so they just offer up criticism like “Oh, gee. I wish she just wore something more, um, structured.” This translates to “I wish she would lose 150 pounds and look fabulous in a dress!” Meanwhile, people are going crazy over how Angelina Jolie looks even though her body is starting to look more and more like the baby orphans she adopts every day from a third-world country. Ugh, I can’t.

I don’t really know what happened after that. After seeing Angelina’s body, I’m sure I ate 20 more nachos though. Oh! Christopher Plummer won Best Supporting Actor for Beginners, which made so, so happy! That film was by no means perfect but Christopher Plummer did an amazing job. So yay!

Okay, on to the important stuff. Natalie Portman presented the award for Best Actor and it was really weird because she somehow won! She opened up the envelope and said, “And the award goes… to me! Natalie Portman! And everyone didn’t question it. They just laughed and cried. At some point, Madonna snuck up behind Elton John and threw a bucket of her own urine on him. It was nice.

Meryl Streep won for Best Actress, which was just terrible! Who even likes this Meryl Streep person anyway? She sounds insufferable! Stop putting in her movies. Stop it right now!

The Best Picture went to The Artist because it’s a foreign silent film. It had won the Oscar already when it was just a little turd of an idea. They actually originally titled it “The Best Picture” but there were issues with the copyright.

So yeah! That was it! A big slice of American pie! Did you guys watch it and like it? Even though I hadn’t seen most of the movies, it was still nice to see celebrities get moved to tears and stuff. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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