A Recap Of The Oscars: Starring Angelina Jolie's Starving Right Leg

The Oscars are a night of glamour, glitz, and utter boredom. I was particularly dreading them this year since most of my favorites got snubbed (Shailene Woodley in The Descendants, Albert Brooks in Drive, Ryan Gosling’s body in Crazy Stupid Love). But, as they say, the show must go on, so I plopped down on my couch with approximately 3.5 orders of nachos from San Loco and waited to see what steaming pile of crap Hollywood was going to deliver tonight.

Let’s first start off with the LOL that is E! Red Carpet fashion criticism. Where do they get these people and why are they considered to be an authority on fashion? I love Kelly Osbourne (even more so when she was a bit chunky and on SO MANY PAINKILLERS) but I have no respect for Giuliana Rancic, who hasn’t eaten since she had her mother’s breast milk, and that weird 11-year-old girl from Modern Family who somehow snuck on the panel. At one point, there was also some fashion stylist critiquing Oscar looks who looked like she had just finished having sex with her drug dealer before going to the show. I mean, are you kidding me? A fashion stylist who looks like hell run over twice is almost worse than a bald hairdresser.

There were two amazing moments that occurred during the pre-Oscars Red Carpet. One was watching all of the skinny bitches struggle to give criticism to Melissa McCarthy’s dress without simply saying, “OMG, SHE’S FAT!” The other funny moment was when Sasha Baron Cohen came dressed in character from his latest movie as The Dictator and accidentally/ on purpose spilled ashes all over Ryan “I’ll Give BJS for Christmas” Seacrest’s Burberry suit. Oh my god, homegirl was not having ANY OF IT. Off-camera I’m sure there was a lot of violent sobbing and finger snaps.

Anyway, on to the show. Billy Crystal emerged from his coffin for one night to tell nice, inoffensive jokes. You know what? I liked him. I think Billy Crystal should unfreeze his body more often and join the living. He seems like a good guy. The opening jokes were fine and dandy like cotton candy. However, I couldn’t help but wonder where the Academy left the bodies of Anne Hathaway and James Franco. In my mind, I imagined them being tied up in a broom closet somewhere next to Carrot Top and Gretchen Mol with their Oscar invites being put through the shredder. Sad.

So the first few nominations don’t really matter. They’re all silly categories like “Best Usage Of A Gust Of Wind” and “Best Crying In A Kitchen Scene With Your Maid Who Has Now Been Humanized.” That movie Hugo won a bunch of awards in the beginning and I haven’t even seen it, so bye.

Oh, oh! Octavia Spencer won Best Supporting Actress for her role in The Help, which was special and amazing because black actresses seldom get recognized by the Academy. Let’s hope, however that the next time a black actress wins an Oscar, it’s not for a role that’s so heavily tied in with the color of her skin.

Next up, Angelina Jolie went on stage looking like a couture skeleton to present some award and people didn’t seem to find anything wrong with it. Her arms seemed like they could blow away at any moment and everyone was just too busy getting turned on by her malnourished right leg to notice. Okay, this kind of stuff makes me angry. Melissa McCarthy goes to the Oscars and no one knows what to say about her because she’s fat, so they just offer up criticism like “Oh, gee. I wish she just wore something more, um, structured.” This translates to “I wish she would lose 150 pounds and look fabulous in a dress!” Meanwhile, people are going crazy over how Angelina Jolie looks even though her body is starting to look more and more like the baby orphans she adopts every day from a third-world country. Ugh, I can’t.

I don’t really know what happened after that. After seeing Angelina’s body, I’m sure I ate 20 more nachos though. Oh! Christopher Plummer won Best Supporting Actor for Beginners, which made so, so happy! That film was by no means perfect but Christopher Plummer did an amazing job. So yay!

Okay, on to the important stuff. Natalie Portman presented the award for Best Actor and it was really weird because she somehow won! She opened up the envelope and said, “And the award goes… to me! Natalie Portman! And everyone didn’t question it. They just laughed and cried. At some point, Madonna snuck up behind Elton John and threw a bucket of her own urine on him. It was nice.

Meryl Streep won for Best Actress, which was just terrible! Who even likes this Meryl Streep person anyway? She sounds insufferable! Stop putting in her movies. Stop it right now!

The Best Picture went to The Artist because it’s a foreign silent film. It had won the Oscar already when it was just a little turd of an idea. They actually originally titled it “The Best Picture” but there were issues with the copyright.

So yeah! That was it! A big slice of American pie! Did you guys watch it and like it? Even though I hadn’t seen most of the movies, it was still nice to see celebrities get moved to tears and stuff. TC mark

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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  • JEReich

    I got drunk from a drinking game that involved a drank every time someone uttered the words, “humbled,” “generous,” “thank you,” and “Hugo.”  Also whenever someone in the room called Glenn Close a “handsome woman.”

    • JEReich

      Also, this is the funniest recap I’ll probably read for the Oscars 2012.  Ryan O’Connell FTW.

  • http://twitter.com/laurajaynemart laura jayne martin

    San Loco!  The nachos from El Camion Cantina just totally  got robbed.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003197905700 Alix Harvey

    The Angelina Jolie commentary was the best. I don’t know why everyone on facebook and tumblr though she looked so hot.

  • wh

    Not sure the Guiliana Rancic comment was warranted, considering she’s been going through breast cancer the last few months…

  • Ally

    What about Colin Firth totally stealing the spotlight from the Best Actress nominees? “I was gay. We were happy.” He gets my vote!

  • A.

    If you look at Angelina from 2009 she looks to be the same exact weight. 

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1580441990 Kim Brobeck Hill

      Well then she’s looked like hell for over 2 years now.

      • Melissa

        she’s fucking disgusting.

      • brittany

        jesus christ thought catalog is ONTD now i see

        stop berating famous women’s bodies and do something else instead

  • Anonymous

    “I’m sure there was a lot of violent sobbing and finger snaps.” <——- HAHAHHAHAHAH

  • http://twitter.com/Neue_Wolf JenniOsagie

    “Let’s hope, however that the next time a black actress wins an Oscar, it’s not for a role that’s so heavily tied in with the color of her skin.”
    WORD. Thanks for bringing this up, Ryan. 

    • Ellen

      OMG! Drop the racial suffrage crap and just admit that this actress did a good job. Stop thinking like your in the civil war era and be in the here and now. Did you know that when applying for a job and it’s between a white person with high creditably and a black person with mediocre credibly, they will choose the black person because they are the minority. It is VERY HARD to be a white person in this day and age. There are hardly any programs for us anymore because all the money goes to minority programs. White people are turned down all the time because they are white. When I fill in applications for whatever reason, I actually make it a point to NOT expose my race, because the person evaluating that application well see what you put and will immediately put a judgement on you. So – in conclusion, white people suffer just as much as black people do. You want equality so bad, but when you make the comment that you made, you actually put yourself in a lower position. You are self-hurting yourself. This country cannot move forward if most of it’s population is stuck in the past.  

      • guest

        “It is VERY HARD to be a white person in this day and age.”

        This is so stupid, I can’t even.

      • Anonymous

        I don’t even know where to begin with this… so here’s a picture of a rabbit with a pancake on it’s head.

  • http://twitter.com/tannnyaya Tanya Salyers

    yikes, Ryan…have some respect for Guiliana Rancic…

  • http://profiles.google.com/hdshearburn Holley Shearburn

    total bore snore. but i would like to put michelle williams in my purse and carry her cute lil self around with me every day. 

  • Anonymous

    the E fashion critics were um, the worst thing I’ve ever seen. so embarrassing. I love when old non-actors win oscars for the first time. watching a person who has spent their youth and beauty toiling in a dirty office getting their ideas stomped on finally sparkle in the spotlight, winning an oscar…brought tears to my eyes

    also, I saw the artist one night because there was nothing else out. I hadn’t heard of it, and when I left the theatre my jaw was hanging open and my body was tingling…the truest feel good movie I’ve ever seen. can’t help it.

  • Ccotter955

    No comment on the circus number? I’m surprised…

  • Eric V

    please get off your pedestal. it’s not flattering.

  • berna fett

    What if Angelina’s leg was a fake decoy leg, like the one Anne Hathaway’s character had to use in Princess Diaries 2 in order to ride a horse sideways?

    • Skylar

       lol wut

  • farmore

    Um so I’m in India and we didn’t have any of the usual E! people. They showed Nina Garcia, Tim Gunn and Louise Roe? What?

    • Guest

      They were the hosts of the ABC red carpet special, not the E! one.

      • farmore

        Ah, that makes sense.  That’s all they showed here – it was fairly alright because well, Tim Gunn. Nina was wearing JPG. 

  • Abdcf

    Giuliana Rancic is so thin because she just finished chemo, asshole. Making fun of breast cancer survivors is cool, though. Actually, not at all.

    • Lolly27

      Actually, she’s always been that thin, and she didn’t have chemo, she did a double mastectomy in order to avoid having to do chemo.

  • runheatherrun

    Angelina is disgusting! Her shoulder is so disproportionately large compared to her emancipated bicep. I mean when your elbow is larger than your forearm and bicep combined you need to eat a sandwich. Seriously, why is the media completely ignoring the fact that she looks like an auschwitz survivor?

    That being said, no love for Meryl? Really?? She is the nicest, most genuine and talented person in the field of acting. She is so lovely in person and actually holds a conversation with mere mortals. She focuses on you like your the only person in the room. On top of that she is the greatest actor in our lifetime, possibly ever. I can’t tolerate any negativity associated with the likes of her. Just my two cents.

  • Runheatherrun

    Angelina is disgusting! Her shoulder is so disproportionately large compared to her emancipated bicep. I mean when your elbow is larger than your forearm and bicep combined you need to eat a sandwich. Seriously, why is the media completely ignoring the fact that she looks like an auschwitz survivor?

    That being said, no love for Meryl? Really?? She is the nicest, most genuine and talented person in the field of acting. She is so lovely in person and actually holds a conversation with mere mortals. She focuses on you like your the only person in the room. On top of that she is the greatest actor in our lifetime, possibly ever. I can’t tolerate any negativity associated with the likes of her. Just my two cents.

    • umm

       I think he was being sarcastic when he was talking about Meryl Streep.

  • Awwjeah

    This is probably one of the worst articles available on TC

  • Dori.S

    To be fair to black people… there is something called ‘Black Awards’ which whites can’t enter… pretty sure she’d win a lot in those… not sure though, I mean, let’s point out the differences between the races more by having separate awards for the different races! Jackie Chan will win a lot in the ‘Yellow Awards’ I mean… this huge big deal for a black woman winning an award… when they do it every day in the ‘Black Awards’. oh well. still making a big deal over winning something from a white person.

    • Ellen

      THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! I am so tired about hearing this racial oppressed bullshit. It’s the 2012’s. I would like to think that our country has evolved since the civil war. There are SO MANY programs and award institutions that honor you because of the color of your skin. When I read this article and came across that section, I immediately thought, “racism.” The only people who are contributing to modern day racism is the very people who bitch about suffering from it. If you stop living in the past and put your best foot forward, maybe the country can move in more forward direction. Very backwards thinking, this author of this article is. 

      • Concerned

        Your response is confusing. The author of this post was mentioning that this particular black actress was acknowledged for a role that had a lot to do with race as The Help focused on racial inequality and race relations.  No one is bitching about suffering from “modern day racism” rather they are pointing out that there is an underrepresentation of all races at these award shows. Then to see that an actresses work is only acknowledged in a role that is about being both black and female, takes away from the fact that they are just an actress giving a great performance as a character. In particular, black women are underrepresented in Hollywood and popular film and media. Their roles are often limited and many times their portrayal is stereotypical. Moving forward means making space for all races in all roles and recognizing when there is widespread (whether intentional or not) discrepancy. It’s not about racism, it’s about equality. 

  • brizzie

    Why is there so much hate for this article? It’s not supposed to be taken seriously, personally I thought it was hilarious!

  • Alex

    blackface is unoffensive? lolwut?

  • Melly792

    Guilliana is skinny but give her a break, the woman is dealing with breast cancer. Come on

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